New Moon
by AlwaysJasper'sGirl
Summary: This is my second story. Basically just my own version of New Moon using my character Timberlee as a replacement of Bella.
1. Preface

New Moon

Preface

Life is a strange thing. One of the best days of my near-seventeen years of life was turned to hell with one word. _No. _And one of the most terrifying, horrible days of my life was turned good with that same word. _No. _Only difference was the mouth the word came from. His the first, and mine the second. Everything else was the same, as different as we both knew it was.


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter One

It was the first Sunday of summer. There was no sun to keep my mood from falling. The thunder was ten times louder than I'd ever heard it in the tiny town of Forks, Washington.

It was nine in the morning. I chose not to sleep in though. My dad, Charlie, had agreed to let me redesign the dining room, which we never used. I decided it was time we started spending more time together with my seventeenth birthday less than two weeks away. A dining room that wasn't a wreck would probably help. And it did pass time.

My boyfriend was Edward Cullen. He was taking me to Olympia to find some new plates, a new table without thirteen year old drawings in Crayon on it, and matching chairs. Edward was picking me up any minute.

We hadn't been dating very long, but the change he brought out in me was so obvious. Dad noticed how I wore colors Edward liked on me--black and blue mostly. I also dressed more femininely. I was almost always smiling. I was happy with Edward there and he always was. Dad moved curfew from ten to eleven, but I guessed his trust was put in me not to do anything stupid--not Edward.

We were always together. I liked it that way. Before school ended, he would pick me up in the morning, walk me from class to class--though he had only been in two of them--he would drive me home where we did our homework, talked, watched movies, or whatever came to mind. We went on ten hour walks on the weekends after Dr. Carlisle Cullen, Edward's adopted father, gave me a clear bill of health after I broke my leg, several ribs, and I also had Mono at the time. On our walks, Edward would walk human speed with me until I grew tired. Then he would put me on his back and take me to some beautiful place I'd never seen before. They were all in Forks or just outside the small town, but they seemed unreal. Like the kinds of places found in fairy tales and fictional stories.

At night, Edward would come in through my window, hum me to sleep while I laid in his arms. I would sleep and he would watch me. He called me "Ma Vie", meaning my life in French. I remembered those words that he spoke not a month before. _You are my life now. _And I remembered how he called me his perfectly blossomed rose. It had been something he told me before and now I had it tattooed on my lower back. He was my everything and he said I was his life.

Edward arrived and parked behind my burgundy Acura RL. Plus my 1983 Chevy pickup, which was still covered in mud from one of our last adventures. It had been one of the few dry--but not sunny--days since I moved to Forks that February. We found an old dirt road outside town and Edward suggested I try to push my truck to go a hundred miles an hour, the fastest I'd ever gone in any car. My biggest worry was having my engine blow up. But I did it anyway because I knew he would save me before anything happened. He was constantly saving me in one way or another, which brought a whole new meaning to the phrase "Knight in Shining Armor."

I had already taken the measurements of the dining room twice to be sure, so we left right away. Edward was a vampire and he was obsessed with speed. So the trip to Olympia flew by. I found out his secret in April, and I knew how much he wanted to blend into the human world around him. He was always with me now, which made it easier somehow. I knew how much he thirsted for my blood, but he loved me too much to lose control. He was truly my Knight in Shining Armor.

His pale white skin was as hard as rock. He was stronger than anyone I'd met before--except maybe his adopted brother Emmett. I knew the secret now. I knew several more details. On our walks, I asked for one more detailed explanation to add to my list. I knew how Edward sparkled like a million diamonds were embedded in his skin when he was in the sunlight, which made Forks the perfect place for him to live--it was almost completely sunless.

"So how old are you?" I asked as Edward parked between the furniture store and my favorite department store in Olympia.

"Seventeen," he answered, but he knew what I meant. He enjoyed seeing my reaction when he twisted the meaning of my questions.

"How long have you been seventeen?" I tried again.

"A while."

I rolled my eyes. "When were you born?"

Edward grinned because there was no way to twist that question really. He thought it was funny how long it took me to get to the right question, and it was in a way. "As a human, in 1901. As a vampire, in 1918," he answered, putting his arm around my waist. His tough had always been ice-cold, but it wasn't so bad anymore. I was somehow used to it. Or maybe I was colder too now that I had a run in with vampire venom. But not Edward's or his family's. Another vampire named James, who was now dead.

Most of my questions about vampires and so on were about Edward's unique talent of mind reading or how to kill a vampire. I considered six of the seven Cullens my family, and Rosalie--the seventh--wasn't so bad anymore. She could get through a visit without glaring at me. After my run in with James, when I was in the hospital, and Edward was trying to explain what happened, Rosalie announced that she had been mean to me, which caused me to break down and run away. It was a lie, but a good one that was entirely believable. But I knew seven different vampires, and I wanted to know what would happen to me if another vampire came after me. I wanted to know how much it took to kill one. Edward never gave me specifics and I was unconscious when James was killed, but I knew it took a lot. That made me feel a little less worried about the Cullens being hurt. But Edward never told me it was impossible to kill one because it was possible. So some of that fear remained.

We entered the furniture store first. We were immediately the center of attention and I knew why. Edward was _gorgeous. _Inhumanly, unworldly beautiful. Tall, muscular, pale with bronze hair, and topaz eyes--he went hunting that morning while I was getting ready to go. I was shorter than him, slim, no extraordinary beauty or features, though Edward told me a hundred plus times how much he loved my green eyes. Me being with Edward looked strange physically when he could have chosen from so many girls who were more beautiful. But Edward and I went well together, our characters mixing for the perfect combination.

One of the young, female employees ran forward. "Hi, can I help you find anything?" she asked Edward. As usual, I was ignored. Edward's charm and beauty was just as irresistible with me on his arm.

"No, but thank you," I said, trying to sound pleasant, but it didn't work. I hated when girls flirted with Edward, especially while I was there. My presence only scared a few of them off. But I, more than anyone else, knew how beautiful he was. I couldn't _blame _them, but I could still despise them for it. And I did.

"Let me know if you need any help," the girl said.

Edward kept an arm around me all the time. His reflexes were fast enough to catch me if I tripped, even if he didn't have an arm around me all the time. He chose to keep his arm around my waist anyway. I smiled up at him as we walked towards the small display of tables. I knew what I wanted for the dining room exactly. Dad gave me a thousand dollars, but I secretly planned to spend some money out of my massive bank account too. It was the only way I could get what I wanted.

Edward's talent of mind reading had one exception--me. But I told him what I wanted the night before when he was in my room. I wanted an oak table. Antiques were probably too much unless we could find a garage sale with one, but a dark oak finish was the one big requirement. Matching chairs was another.

It took two hours to decide on a table. Whenever I was sure I had decided, Edward would point another one out just to see my reaction. He loved it when I got mad. I wasn't truly angry. But annoyed. So two hours were wasted. After we paid for everything, arranged the delivery, and son on, Edward and I walked towards the door. On the way though, he stopped at the beds. He laid down with a grin. I laughed at how relaxed he looked and laid down next to him. He hugged my shoulders and I rested my hand on his shoulder, like I usually did. It was like the perfect height, the perfect length, just perfect for my head to rest on.

"You know, I've never given you a tour of my house," he pointed out. I had been to his house multiple times, but I was never given an official tour. Probably because there were things that revealed their secret and I didn't know before. "You should come over later. Esme loves cooking and we don't eat."

I smiled. Esme Cullen was darling! She was sweet and had so much life in her. Red hair, which gave her an excuse for her pale, vampire skin. She loved me, which she constantly reminded me whenever we saw each other. Whenever I came over, she fixed me plates and plates of food, which I could never eat all of. She reminded me a lot of my dear mother, Nancy. Only Mom couldn't cook. But both Esme and Mom were extremely loving. Mom was obsessed with every detail of my relationship with Edward. She cried for days after she got the picture album I sent her from my prom. She cried because she was sad she hadn't been there, because I looked pretty, because I was so grown up, because I looked happier than I'd ever been before--and I was. She cried because Edward looked good, because it was my first prom, because I'd actually danced-even though I had been standing on Edward's feet. Even because she thought it was sad I had a broken leg.

Edward ran his fingers along my arm lightly. I glanced up at him with a smile. The way he touched me always gave me butterflies. It made my heart pound. Edward loved that. It always made him laugh how easily he took my breath away.

"How long have you been married?" a sweet voice asked, and I forced myself to look away from Edward's face. It was an old lady, probably about eighty years old.

"Oh, we're not," I told her with a smile.

"Really? I haven't seen a young couple look at each other like that for forty years. How long have you been together?"

"Since late February," Edward answered, squeezing my hand. "She just moved here the second week of February."

"So romantic! So few young couples really love each other anymore. But I can tell you do. I used to look at my late husband that way. May he rest in peace. He was very romantic. The boys who really know how to sweet talk the girls always get the best one. None of that nonsense now. I'm talking real sweet talk," she continued. It was strange... Unexpected. "Well, the best advice I can give you is to use the heads God gave you and not screw things up."

Edward and I smiled at each other as she walked away, then burst into laughter when we were sure she couldn't hear. I covered my face in embarrassment and he kissed my forehead, still chuckling. He helped me off the bed then. I pulled my shirt down and we left the store to go clothes shopping--not that I needed anymore clothes. I watched Edward shift through the shelves. He always enjoyed finding me a ton of unneeded clothes to buy me. "I have a trust fund, ya know?" I called out. "You don't have to pay for anything."

Edward laughed. He knew I was trying to convince him not to pay for anything. I hated when he spent money on me. "I want to. How much is your trust fund worth anyway?"

I shrugged. "Few million," I answered distantly. "My biological father invented games. He made tons of money, tons of games too. Left all the money to me, stuck it in a huge bank account that piled up with interest. And I have my money from modeling too."

Edward nodded. "You going back to Los Angeles anytime this summer?" We spent more time staring at each other and talking about vampires than anything else. We hardly even knew what the other planned for summer--or if they had plans. But that wasn't necessarily important because I was sure we would spend the entire summer together. Every moment, every time I blinked my eyes, I knew he would be there.

Mom, her new husband Ted, and my younger brother Michael all lived in LA, not to mention some of my closest friends. Visiting them was something I had to do. And I wanted Edward to come, but I knew that wasn't possible. Not unless the sun would disappear for a few days, but I knew the LA sun a little too well--I was raised there most of my life.

"Not for more than two weeks," I answered as we headed towards the dressing room. "I'd miss you like hell if I was gone any longer than that. And I'd miss you a ton in two weeks anyway."

"I could..." Edward said thoughtfully. I yanked the dressing room door open again, waiting for him to continue. Already, I had my hopes up. "Well, I could go if I stayed out of the sun. I could stay inside if we could come up with a billion excuses not to go to the beach and so on. I would like to meet your friends. You talk about them more and more lately. Do you miss them that much?"

I nodded, but he couldn't see because I had closed the dressing room door and locked it already. "More than that," I answered, slipping out of my jeans. "I don't know why, but I have like these... seizures I guess. Just everyone once in a while, I start missing them a ton. But they're getting really bad. I miss Phoebe especially."

"I can tell. Your voice changes whenever you say her name, you know?"

"She helped me figure you out. The genius she is! She told me to ask your enemy about you. I asked Jacob Black because he was the only enemy I knew of. He told me about the treaty, but not much else. Probably just being over protective. I researched online a ton and finally found the answer. All because Phoebe suggested that I should ask your enemy," I explained, smiling at the memory.

"Ah! The internet--good for anything."

I laughed, looking at my reflection in the mirror. I wore a pair of red skinny jeans Edward picked out and a black tank top with a guitar on the front. "I really wish I would have figured it out sooner though. It would have saved you--and me--a lot of pain and trouble," I continued as I stepped out of the dressing room to show Edward.

He smiled at me through the mirror, my back to his front. He caressed my abs lightly. "You look great!" he told me.

"You along with Alice are making me a shopping addict," I muttered, and Edward laughed.

"Good thing you have a few million left in your trust fund, huh?"

"More once my dad's given the lethal injection," I replied quietly. "He has another billion or something in his bank account. I get all of it. Nice of him after he killed twelve of my friends, huh? And countless others."

Edward could hear the disgust in my voice. Anyone could. But from one of our late night conversations, he also knew how much I was dreading the day when my biological father would be executed for his crimes. In his case, money couldn't save him. I knew he deserved death. I wanted him to die, but his death was only a few years away if his appeals exhausted by that time and if he didn't manage to seek out some deal with the district attorney. I couldn't decide if I wanted to meet him or not. Edward knew about my debate. I wanted to meet him because he created me, because he was my blood. But I didn't want to because I didn't want to speak to the man who destroyed the life of twelve of my friends and so many more. I _needed _to know him because it would help me know myself, but I didn't need to know him because he had wanted to kill me, _tried _to kill me. He didn't deserve to know me. But my too-kind nature somehow found pity for him through my hatred, and I continued my debate.

"You could decide once you're there if you want to _talk _to him or not," Edward suggested. "I think you'd feel better after you talked to him though."

I nodded thoughtfully. Probably. _If _I didn't break down and completely lose it, yell at him, scream out all the horrible things I thought about him. I groaned, leaning back against Edward. "Maybe just before he's executed, but I'd probably kill him."

I felt Edward smile. He always shifted slightly whenever he did. He knew my temper and how much I meant every word I said. "We should fly down sometime. Charlie could order the tickets. Alice could tell us what the weather will be like for sure. We could stay at your mom's and throw a party so I could meet all your friends," he suggested.

I shook my head. "After meeting the biggest bastard alive, I could never go to a party," I replied. There were so many people in the world who had done things even worse, killed more people in worse ways. But he was the biggest bastard out of all of them because he had bred me. I had been adopted by the best parents in the world, Charlie and Nancy, but the fact that my blood was a killer's had always tormented me... until I found out Edward's secret. And then it wasn't so bad.

Edward proved, all the Cullens proved, that one didn't have to act like what they were. They all lived with society as humans. They fed off animal's blood, not people's. They made a choice not to be killers. And I made my decision never, ever to follow in my parents' footsteps. I would never murder anyone. Never.

On the way home, I had my knees up to my chest, arms hugging my legs. I wasn't even buckled. I trusted Edward's driving, so I didn't bother. "Is Carlisle the only reason you hunt animals?" I asked quietly, playing with the radio, which wasn't even on.

"He's part of the reason, but most of it--most of why I started living off animal's blood--was because I don't want to be a monster." He cupped the back of my neck. "And now you're my reason. I don't want you to see me as a monster."

"I don't," I told him quietly. "Never have. And I never will, Edward. I see you as a being, a person, who was put in a situation you didn't want and weren't prepared for. You're a good person!" I smiled at him. Now that I knew what he was, I had to reassure him often that I didn't see him as a monster. I saw him as my Edward--good from the inside out, respectful, trustworthy. He was my angel. I couldn't get by without him. The sunny days were the worst because those were the days Edward was gone. Other than that, he hunted while I was asleep or getting ready for school. And it was like he would never leave me. I loved that feeling of security he gave me.

Dad was home from work when we parked in front of the house. His police cruiser was covered in mud, which told me it ha dbeen a busy day. Edward and I carried my bags inside. They were many. "Wait, she just walked in," Dad said into the phone and switched on speaker. "Your mom."

"Hey, Mom! What's up?"

"Well, I got a call to day. They've been asking for you left and right, honey. They want you in another fashion show soon. It's a good opportunity and now that school's out... I was thinking like Victoria's Secret."

"Mom! No! I don't even think that's legal while I'm under aged. And I don't want to do any lingerie. Ever."

"Honey, they pay well! Are you saying no because you think Edward won't like it? Two years ago, you would have jumped at the opportunity. You didn't even take time to think about it. You're almost seventeen. You could be a Victoria's Secret model on your eighteen birthday, baby. Do you know how many girls want that so bad?"

"I don't need time to think about it, Ma. And, yes, Edward wouldn't like it, but that's not the only reason I'm saying no, okay?" I set my bags down quickly to give me free hands. "I don't want the whole world looking at my body, and I've gained weight since moving to Forks. I appreciate the offer, and it's a good chance, yes, but no. I'll do anything else. High fashion, Gap, commercial, that's fine. As long as I don't have to be gone from Forks for very long."

"Okay, fine. I also got a call from one of Ted's movie director friends. He wants to give you a lead roll. Shooting doesn't start until September. You could come up for six weeks to film it. I think you'd really like the part. It's like a mix of Mulan and Pirates of the Caribbean."

I rolled my eyes. Mom was intent on making me the most famous person alive. "Okay, I'll think about that one too. But that's gonna be really hard with school. I don't mind missing school, but six weeks is a long time."

"You could move home again. You could go to that junior college you've always wanted to go to. There are ways to work it out."

I sighed quietly enough so that she couldn't hear. She would go crazy if I decided to give up modeling. I loved it, and she knew I did. She knew my life had been based around my work schedule before. So I glanced at Edward apologetically. He still had to adjust to the crazy summer modeling stuff I was used to. "How about I come up for a few weekends every summer? You can pick the designers and the shows. No lingerie, no bikinis, or anything like that. Not even a tube top, okay?"

"Okay. I love you, baby."

I smiled, too happy to care that two days of my week every few weeks would be spent without Edward. No matter how short our separation was, it was like we hadn't seen each other in a year. And it made me realize that my love for Edward and his for me was truly unfathomable. It was real and I couldn't live without him.

And there were always ways so that Edward could be able to come to LA. I could work something out. "Anything else, Ma?" I asked because I could hear the excitement in her voice that went father than my planned weekend visits.

"Ted wants to sign a record deal with you!" Mom shouted out in a voice that made it seem like it was a secret she kept inside for a thousand years. "It would be like a rock deal too, your own style, your own music. You could record it at home or he even went as far as to find a recording studio in Seattle. He said your sound would be a huge hit. It's unique. You have a good voice too! That's it though. Music, modeling, movie, and music," she listed. Those were my three possible tickets to fame so far, though I wasn't exactly sure if she'd considered asking me to write a book yet. She was determined to make sure I was the most famous girl in Forks, and I already was because I was dating Edward Cullen! But she didn't believe that.

There was always the possibility that people would think Mom was pushing me to become famous for herself. But they were wrong. She pushed me because she knew how much I wanted fame. I wanted to be a model, an actress, and a singer. That had always been my dream. But my relationship with Edward was starting to change that part of me too.

Edward was a vampire. His struggle to stay on the animal blood only diet wasn't something anyone would want publicized and definitely not the fact that he was a vampire. His yellow eyes--which changed to black when he was thirsty--would be debated. Celebrity news shows would call in however many doctors they needed until they found one that could tell the world what Edward was. He never got any older and that was another clue. Pale skin, unworldly beauty, strength, and speed. He was a vampire, but he was a good one. I loved him for who he was, not _what _he was.

"So how's the dating life?" Mom asked, sounding a little too interested. "How's Edward?"

I smiled at Edward, who enjoyed pretending he wasn't there listening to every word. Me blushing was the best part for him, and the worst for me. "He's great, Ma. We just got back from Olympia. We went shopping."

"Is he there? Honey! Why didn't you say something, Edward?"

"Sorry," he said, grinning at me.

"Oh, well. I have to go now. I love you both." Another give minutes passed and Mom continued to tell us how much she missed us and how much she loved us. She was so attached and I knew it had been painful for her to agree to let me live in Forks still. But she had agreed, which only told me how much she wanted me to be happy. She knew I was happy with Edward. So she said one last goodbye and finally hung up.

Edward's strong arms around me, I felt safe. My guilt for leaving Mom wasn't so bad then. I knew why I left, and it seemed selfish to me, but she knew the reason too, and I knew she wouldn't have it any other way. My happiness--and my brother's--was the most important thing to her. She made the sacrifice and I continued to be with Edward Cullen, the gentle, caring, beautiful, loving, self-conscious _vampire. _A year ago, vampires were jokes in the movies, gross fictional characters. But the Cullens proved me wrong on that. Vampires were some of the best people on the earth when they chose to be.


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

I sat upstairs in my room, legs crossed under me and in my sweats and a tank top. My hair was in a ponytail, like it usually was when I was ready for bed. But I wasn't going to bed yet. Edward left only so Charlie wouldn't find out about our late night visits in my room. We weren't doing anything my dad wouldn't approve of, but he would get the wrong impression, then never forget about it. And Edward would get in trouble, more trouble than I would since he was older than me.

It was summer. Edward was obsessed with my sleeping patterns. He made sure I got at least seven hours of sleep a night, and he always hummed me to sleep, but his arms around me were usually enough anyway. I waited for him to arrive for another one of our conversations. We talked about so much, yet so little. No topic was off limits. We just didn't get very far. It was usually vampires. But these conversations were one of the best parts of my day, though there was many.

I looked around my room. This was home. I was comfortable there and happy--despite what I thought when I first moved to Forks. My far wall with my window was covered with pictures, notes, movie tickets, and so on. Pictures of myself and Edward mostly. Three notes from Edward--all simple, hardly able to be called love notes, but I had a whole box of letters from him. Most of the movies I had gone to with Jacob Black. I was able to get Edward and Jake to go to one together, but they hadn't gotten along, so there wasn't ever a second try. Not that I didn't try, but the old Quileute legends of werewolves and vampires wasn't as unreal as it sounded. I knew that now.

Edward was wiling to be decent with Jake because I asked him. I wanted them to be friends. Jake, however, insisted on being rude and mean to Edward. So I just did what I could to keep them from killing each other. There was the possiblilty that Jake would be hurt, but Edward was a vampire. He would be fine. Jacob and Alice, Edward's sister, were my two best friends in Forks.

Along with all my pictures, I had a huge poster of myself and Edward. Alice made it for us before a party when we first started dating. I had an entire wall of books. My bed, my dresser, a desk angled in the corner. Pictures covered the floor because I was running out of space. My room had never been clean exactly. And it was even worse now that I spent so much time with Edward and so little time at home with nothing to do.

Mom's suggestion of me modeling for Victoria's Secret had once been a dream to me. I wanted to for so long, but that was another thing Edward continued to change in me. I _belonged _to him. Forever. My dream didn't sound so appealing now. My body belonged to Edward, and that didn't bother me.

We only met months ago. But I could see myself with him for the rest of my life, forever even. Alice could see the future. That was her gift. She saw two things in my future--one my decision, on Edward's. She saw me as a vampire and she saw me married to Edward. Marriage had never really been in my plans really, not to a point where I had thought about who I would marry or where we would live. But I saw myself married at a young age, like my parents were. Edward wanted to get married, and he had already decided to marry me. I knew him well enough to know he would probably bribe me to marry him.

I didn't jump when Edward appeared at the end of my bed. I was used to him appearing out of nowhere by now. I smiled at him as he leaned over the end of my bed to kiss me. He put his freezing hand on my neck. I knew the blood pulsing through my veins tortured him, but he still loved me. I held my breath when he kissed me again. He was going father than usual.

I took a handful of his thick, curly hair. When I kissed him, he pulled away and I knew he thought he was out of line by going as far as he had... which was strange to me. Most would never have felt any guilt in making out with any girl. "I don't mind," I told him, leaning back against the head of my bed to give him his space. He was still a vampire and my sudden movements often bothered him, made his struggle not to kill me harder.

"I do," Edward replied, clearly beating himself up. "You wouldn't understand. You're so... tempting. I can't lose control with you and I'll go too far anyway if I start down that road."

I nodded. "No, I understand that part. But we were only kissing."

Edward grinned. "You're from the twenty-first century," he replied, touching my cheek softly. "What are you thinking about?"

"Marriage," I answered quietly. Honestly, even if I was reluctant. "And I wish I could fast forward in time to see what I have to do to convince you to change me now. Alice said she saw me as a vampire."

Edward nodded, but his grin had faded. He looked so serious. Not angry or annoyed. Just serious, like I was trying to tread some unknown waters in the ocean. "Can we not fight about that tonight? Please?" he whispered. "I don't want to see you like this. I can't ruin your life like this."

I looked away. He was pleading with me. So I moved on and looked back to his face. I laid down. I couldn't think of anything else besides becoming a vampire, but I didn't have to talk about it. So I was silent. Edward moved to his usual position behind me, pulling me along with him. Gently, but he was strong enough to pick me up without putting any energy into it. He always used my big feather pillow as a cushion while he laid, staring at me or at the ceiling. It was sort of his pillow. I used his chest as my pillow and wished so badly that Edward would make me a vampire now, but he refused.

I glanced at my clock. It was midnight. Sunday, May 24th, 2009. It was raining outside. My birthday was eleven days away, and then I would be seventeen. I would be the same age as Edward--one more year closer to my death, another day closer to the day I lost Edward... and the day he lost me. I could never, ever consider what it would feel like to leave the world now that I had Edward. I couldn't live with the fact that Edward had lived a hundred and eight years waiting for me. He explained how birthdays and Christmas weren't important as a vampire. He told me how years were like days to him. So he didn't have much time with me. No matter how I looked at it, there was no highlight, no good point. I was dying. He wasn't.

A hundred and eight years, and he would be lucky to have me for another eighty. I wondered if he would still love me when I looked old enough to be his grandmother. I didn't know why he loved me or how he could. I knew I was probably missing one key detail about why Edward hated being a vampire. I had to be if he would rather lose me forever than change me. He claimed that I had too much to live for. But what could I live for as a human that I couldn't as a vampire? Yes, I would struggle, but Edward would help me. Alice would too. They would tell me ways to make it easier, but I would have to become a vampire first. And Edward wouldn't do that. He wouldn't change me, but I wouldn't give in. I knew six other vampires who would help me.

"What are you thinking about how?" Edward asked, but his voice told me he had some idea.

"Vampires. Does your face change any?"

"The color of it, yes, and your eyes, but not the structure of your face," he explained quietly.

"So you always looked the same?" I asked, wondering how any human could possibly be that gorgeous. But he was. I smiled at the thought. "What color were your eyes?" Edward's eyes fascinated me. I couldn't imagine him with blue eyes or green. Or even brown--the normal color of brown. Not the kind they faded into when he was thirsty.

"Green," he answered. "Not as green as yours though."

"Why do you hate being a vampire? You're not a murderer. You only drink animal blood."

"I've killed before, Timberlee. I am a murderer. And if you knew the second you saw me that I was a vampire, would you have tried?"

I was silent. No, I wouldn't have even attempted to be friends with Edward if I knew, which made me glad it took so long for me to figure it out. But vampires were always like fictional monsters. Now I knew one and he wasn't a monster at all. I was able to know his character before I knew what he was. I loved him before I knew. And now I loved him even more because I knew. He was this monstrous creature, but he wasn't a monster himself. But I could never show him that.

Edward started humming my lullaby then. I loved it. So peaceful and just beautiful. It put me to sleep right away, but my sleep wasn't as it usually was when I was with Edward. Not deep and serene. It was horrible.

My dream was frightening. I was in a forest with Edward and I couldn't hear the words I knew he was speaking, but I knew he was hurting me more and more with each word. It didn't make sense thought--Edward couldn't hurt me. He wouldn't. I fell to my knees, sobbing. He disappeared and I removed the treasured ring he once gave me. I threw it after him, yelling out, "I trusted you" over and over.

I sat up. Edward looked at me in concern. I stared down at my hand, still trying to wake up. The beautiful ring was still on my finger. I closed my eyes and started to cry. I was in Edward's arms immediately. I'd never clung to anyone so tightly before. "Sh. It's all over. It was just a dream," he told me softly, wiping my tears away. But it was no use. More kept coming to replace them.

It took two hours of sobbing before I began to calm down. Edward held me even closer then, like he expected another rush of tears to come if I thought about it again. "Sorry," I said, feeling stupid for crying that long over a silly dream. Edward would never leave me if I was upset and he would never hurt me. I knew that. He told me so many times that he would never leave. I trusted him. I always would. "It was just a dream. I feel like such an idiot."

"Don't. You shouldn't. Do you want to tell me about it?" he asked gently, wiping away the last of my tears.

I shook my head. I would call Phoebe to talk to her. I didn't want Edward to think I doubted him because I didn't. The dream did suggest that somehow. I knew he wouldn't leave me. I knew he wouldn't hurt me. He wouldn't--not after what we'd been through. All my knowledge was against my dream, but it couldn't cancel out the horror I found in it. I knew it was just a stupid dream and I would never believe it could come true, but I was still afraid somehow. I could never forget it.

I sighed and relaxed in Edward's arms. I was exhausted, but I couldn't sleep in fear that my nightmare would return. I was still shaking. "Did I say anything in my sleep?" I asked, praying that I didn't. I'd never been one to talk in my sleep, but every once in a while...

Edward shook his head. "Why?"

"No reason. Trying to distract myself, I guess," I lied, closing my eyes. I didn't want to remember the dream, even though I knew I would never forget, but I put it out of my mind. I couldn't sleep anymore, so I listened to Edward hum my lullaby. He was trying to put me back to sleep, but for the first time, it didn't help at all. I could never sleep after that dream and I wouldn't sleep until I somehow forgot it. Until I forgot my fear that it would return.

I got up early to make Dad breakfast before he had to leave. It was six in the morning and Edward left to go hunting. Dad came downstairs to find me in the kitchen. He looked surprised to see me awake, but I smiled. "Still in school schedule mode," I explained, and it was partially true.

"You feeling okay? You look like you cried all night."

"I'm fine, Dad," I replied, handing him a stack of pancakes, sausage, eggs, bacon, toast, and a cup of orange juice to go with his coffee. By that time, Dad knew I went crazy cooking and cleaning when I had a lot on my mind. He knew immediately that I wasn't as fine as I said I was. I sat down across from him at the kitchen table with a bowl of cereal.

"Anything you want to talk about or anything?" Dad asked, raising an eyebrow as he studied his plate of food. "I realize it's not easy to talk to your old man about most stuff, but I'm here if you need to."

"I know." I sighed. "Joe is gonna be given his lethal injection whenever his appeals stop or whenever he runs out of ideas to stay alive for another few weeks or whatever. I guess you heard Mom talk about it, and my thoughts on the whole thing. I still can't decide and I have to. It's frustrating to say the last. And to edit the cuss words," I said, trying to lighten my mood.

Joe was my biological father. Dad was on the opposite side of the law, so he had his opinions. But he had agreed to let me decide for myself. He didn't realize how complicated that made things though. If he would have said no, I wouldn't have to decide. That would have saved me so much trouble! But he didn't. And Charlie rolled his eyes. Mostly at my comment about cussing. But his jaw was tight with anger at the mention of Joe. He hated him as much as I did. Maybe more because he knew all the tiny details. "If you met him, would you be doing it for yourself or for him?" It was a good question and he had reason to ask it. He knew how hard I tried to be nice to everyone.

I shrugged. "Not sure. Probably some of both."

"Honey, he doesn't deserve to know you. He wanted to kill you. But you deserve to know him, which is the only reason why I agreed to let you meet him if you made that decision. Only you know what's right. Search inside that head of yours and you'll find some kind of answer." Dad was generally the kind of person who rarely said a lot at once. He was quiet, a man of few words. But when he gave advice, it was good. Simple, and it made sense.

We finished breakfast together. Dad stood and kissed my head. "I'll see you later," he said, putting on his gun belt. "Breakfast was good. Ever thought of being a chef?"

I shook my head with a grin. "Have a nice day," I called as he left. My father was one of the people I swore I would never understand. He was a good parent. Overly protective maybe, but he saw murders and worse in his line of work. He had reasons to be that way, even if I really wished he wasn't so extreme sometimes.

Since February, my relationship with my dad had changed so much. I learned that I really loved him. He was the perfect father for someone like me. The longer I lived with him, the more I came to love Forks, not just because Edward was there though, even though that was one reason. Edward was there. Jacob was there. And Charlie wasn't so bad either. We got along better, too, and I realized it was mostly my fault we didn't get along from the start. I was trying to find reasons to be mad at him. But it was stupid of me. Since April, I had discovered that Dad was the best father ever, even if I didn't always like him. Story of every teenager's relationship with their parent at times.

I did the dishes and dressed quickly. It was raining, but it had slowed down some. It wasn't pouring anymore, but the thunder was louder than ever and I could hear it echo in the mountains far away. I had gotten used to the near constant downpour. I didn't mind it anymore and I tried not to miss sunny Los Angeles. It got easier in some ways, harder in others. Edward made it all worth it though.

I was upstairs replying the various emails from home when Edward returned, driving his silver Volvo this time. his face always looked so beautiful--even more so when he returned every morning. And I couldn't imagine myself with anyone else, even if the looks didn't fit perfectly.

He kissed my hand when I opened the front door to let him in. I laughed joyously, having forgotten about my dream completely. He was my Romeo, my Knight in Shining Armor, romantic, handsome prince. He was my hero. When I thought of young love before, I never would have thought of it as sincere, but it was for me and for Edward. We could get through anything and we would. As long as we had each other. That was all we needed, all we would ever need.

Edward invited me to his house since we were unable to manage it after our trip to Olympia yesterday. I left a note for Dad so he wouldn't worry and grabbed my camera and shoes from my room. Edward's house was gorgeous and just outside of Forks. I loved it there! His family was so funny, and it was hard to see them as a family, even though they were a very close one. Seven of the most different people possible coming together on one common ground. Their characters were all so different, but somehow, they mixed perfectly.

Alice was the tiny, pixie-like girl near my age. A pointed chin, short black hair that was spiked in every direction. Sweet, loving, my idea of the perfect sister. She considered me her "more-than-sister", and I didn't even know what that meant exactly, but I appreciated it just the same. Jasper was her mate. He was new to the diet, so he usually kept his distance from me--especially because he nearly attacked me once when he smelled my blood. But he was also my guardian once when I had a vampire named James after me. Jasper proved to have a sweet character, but he liked to stay a while away now that he was no longer guarding me.

Emmett was huge. He thought my clumsiness was hilarious and always made me give him a high-five. Then he would laugh at how far I had to reach up to hit his hand. He was the tallest of the Cullens, and the strongest. He was my idea of a big brother, the big brother I never had. Rosalie was the one Cullen who continued to dislike me, but she was nicer now. Still rude, but nicer. She was tall, blond, super model-ish. She was always with Emmett. From what I had observed, when she wasn't glaring at me, I could see she was nice deep down. Just angry. And I didn't know all the reasons, but I knew one: She was jealous of me.

Dr. Carlisle Cullen was extremely friendly. Firm when it came to staying together as a family, but he always did it in a gentle way somehow. Compassionate and wise beyond his years. At least his age. He was born before Edward actually, and he was only twenty three, but he had a lot of time to gain the knowledge he had. Esme was darling! She, more than the others, wanted to make sure Edward and I stayed together. I knew it was mostly because he had been alone so long while his siblings had their mates. He was the first vampire Carlisle created, but he hadn't found anyone before me. That was a... shocking realization, but it only made me love him more.

We reached the Cullen residence and I stepped out into the rain. Esme's smile was wider than ever. "Get a whiff of that. Here comes the human," Rosalie muttered in a musical voice. And annoyed voice. Disgusted even. Alice ran over to hug me while Jasper followed, then stopped a few feet away. Out of arm's reach. Emmett gave me his usual high-five, followed by his big belly laugh. Carlisle smiled at me, one arm around Esme. I glanced at Edward and saw his emarrassed look--he thought it was humiliating how his family was there to see every moment of our relationship and knew all the details exactly.

"I told them not to do this," he told me as we entered the kitchen. He sounded like he knew I would be overwhelmed, but I usually was when I went over to his house. Too many things for any human to observe at once. Too many people running around and appearing out of nowhere, but I saw the huge feast on the counter and laughed. It was just for me. That was usual though. Esme loved to cook!

"No, it's okay. It smells great!" I commented with a smile in Esme's direction.

Edward gave me a small smile, but I swore I saw a glare that flashed at Emmett so quickly that I couldn't be sure I'd actually seen it at all. "Um... I'm gonna take you on your official tour," he announced. He led me up a rounding staircase, which I had seen before. I'd been all over his house, just not giving time to observe all the details. We passed a cross I knew Carlisle's father had carved. It amazed me that anyone had kept it so nicely. I laughed at the five rows of graduation caps. I knew the Cullens repeated high school over and over, but I'd never given much thought to the decorations. "A small joke," Edward explained, his arm around me still. "The younger we start out in a new place, the longer we can stay."

I nodded in understanding. He showed me Carlisle's office and the bedrooms, which didn't have beds. We made it to Edward's room then. A plasma TV, an expensive stereo, rows and rows of CDs--ordered by year and artist. I glanced at Edward before I hit play on the remote. I listened for a few seconds. "Claude Debussy's 'Clair De Lune'," I said with my head cocked to one side and a smile on my face.

Edward grabbed my hand and pulled me closer. He knew my fears about dancing. He grinned at me though, waiting for any form of protest. I chewed on my lip for a moment. I didn't know if I should argue or if that would only make the situation worse. Instead, I wet my lips and shook my head. "I'm not afraid of you," I told him stubbornly.

Edward laughed, throwing his head back. Then he gave me my favorite crooked grin. "You really shouldn't have said that, ya know?" He slipped me onto his back and jumped out the open window in one, fluid motion. He didn't land on the ground though. He stopped on the side of a tree, gripping it with his strong hands as I tried to take in everything that was happening. "Hold on tight," he instructed with another grin and he sprinted up the tree. I would have screamed from my fear of heights, but I trusted him too much. Edward jumped from tree to tree, and he always found a taller one it seemed like.

Edward stopped once he reached the tallest tree in sight. He smiled, letting me climb off his back onto a stead branch. I climbed up three more branches to sit on the highest branch that I knew would support my weight. Edward stood on another so his head was only a few inches higher than mine. I knew he would catch me if I fell or slipped, no matter where he was standing. He kissed me. I closed my eyes. His lips ran along my jaw line, my collarbone, and then he returned to my lips. His cold touch didn't bother me anymore, even if it was still freezing. I smiled when our lips met again. Edward pushed my hair from my face easily. I looked around my surroundings while he watched only me. The river, the mountains, the green moss covering every surface. The fog wrapped itself around the trees in a gorgeous layer. The dark clouds in the distance, ready to steal the light coming from beneath lighter clouds. "These things just don't exist," I whispered.

"They do in my world," Edward replied. And I had no doubt of that. Gorgeous scenes where nothing compared to werewolves and vampires. I smiled at Edward, looking at the mountains. He leaned in again. I kissed him first, my hand in his long hair. This time, he didn't stop so soon. But he pulled back to meet my eyes. "You happy?"

I nodded. There were no words to describe how happy I was. We stood on the same tree--two hundred feet above the world. It was so beautiful, so serene. It seemed like it would never end--the way Edward made me feel. He just got better and better. When I was with him, I wasn't afraid of anything. Except two things.

One, I was afraid to grow older.

Two, I was afraid to lose him when I did grow older.

Growing old was always my gear. I didn't necessarily fear the wrinkles or the gray hair. I feared being forgotten once I was gone. I wanted to do something extraordinary in my life. And not just be a model or in a movie or become some music legend. I wanted to make a difference that mattered at the end of time. Mom once told me that, often, loving someone was the best difference anyone could make in their life. I loved Edward more than anything in the world and I would never lave him until the day I left this world.

Edward laughed, breaking into my thoughts. The sound was sudden and I would have jumped if his laugh wasn't so beautiful. "I'm standing on the tallest tree in the whole town, the whole forest, ready to catch you if you fall. And somehow, I feel human again for the first time in ninety years," he said. "Funny thing how that works, huh? How love works?"

I nodded. "I'm falling already," I told him. He looked confused and I laughed. "In love. And I keep falling. But nothing about love makes sense," I told him with a smile. It was one of my favorite songs by Leann Rimes. I met his eyes, gorgeous eyes, full of meaning. "Like a cloud full of rain shouldn't hang in the sky," I said, gesturing to the dark clouds in the distance. "Or ice shouldn't burn. I can stand when I'm falling, win when I'm losing. Something this strong shouldn't make me feel this weak. How you can touch my heart when you're holding my hand or a baby grand. How someone so perfect could fall for me." I knew the lyrics were out of order, but they were all true. I understood the song finally.

Edward spun me around so he could whisper something in my ear without me seeing him. I would have been afraid to lose my balance, but his touch on my hand alone kept me steady. He placed his other hand on my waist then. "How someone as perfect as you could fall for me," he said.

I laughed again. "I'm not perfect," I replied, and Edward scoffed. I looked over my shoulder at him. "Nothing about love makes sense," I repeated since that was one point we could both agree on.

"Especially a forbidden love," he muttered, looking at something mingled in the clouds. "A vampire in love with his pray. The lion and the lamb. But not just any lamb. My lamb."

"My lion," I said thoughtfully, my hand on the back of his neck. He kept his arms around me as I continued to look around. If there was ever a heaven on earth, I was in it. Unlike most assumed, money didn't matter. That was not the key to happiness. Looks and the past didn't matter. It was only the now that meant anything, the present. The present was the most important part of life.

Three more hours were spent on that tree branch, looking at the world move on without us. We observed that glory together. But mostly, we stared at each other while twisting our hands together, trying to memorize the feeling of the other's. Edward held me in his arms like a baby and jumped down. I laughed. There was no fear whatsoever inside of me. No worries at all. I could laugh in the face of fear when I was with Edward. It was refreshing.

We returned to Edward's room the same way we came--through the window. He set me on the floor and I could only smile at him. There were no words for what I felt. It wasn't like my other boyfriends. Edward was my first love. I knew that now and I would never doubt it. I never did.

A knock at the door made me jump and Edward only grinned at me. I was skittish because I couldn't hear the silent footsteps of vampires. It wasn't my fault. And I was looking at Edward's face anyway. Not for shadows under the door. Alice walked in before either of us answered, Jasper following stiffly. I smiled at him in sympathy and tried to do whatever I could not to make it harder. "We thought you were having Timberlee for dinner, and came to see if you would share," Alice joked. "Esme wants you to come eat before you fall over."

I smiled at the thought. I was amazed that I hadn't fallen over since I started dating Edward. Or at least not in his presence. If I did fall over, it wouldn't be from hungry. I would trip most likely and Edward would catch me no matter what. In so many ways. He always did.

Edward followed me downstairs at a human speed. Carlisle was reading at one end of the table. On the other end, Rosalie and Emmett were playing a game of cards. Esme handed me a plate of roast beef, asparagus, peas, and rice. Edward walked me to the table and I sat in his lap to eat, as I always did. Esme was an excellent cook--the best. Second only to Edward and that was only because I was biased.

"How can you eat that stuff?" Emmett assked, and I choked as I attempted to swallow while I laughed.

"It's good for her!" Esme exclaimed. "She's too thin."

Edward handed me a cup of water while I coughed. I was still laughing and Edward's reaction was too much like a reflex. It was slightly annoying to know that he was so prepared for me to fall over and die no matter what I did. My recovery was slow. Slightly confused, I handed Edward my fork when he asked for it. He flung a pea at Emmett behind Esme's back and Carlisle only glanced up from his book as if it happened all the time. I grinned, slumping back int Edward a little. He ducked behind me when Emmett started to get up, despite Rosalie's glare. I could only laugh. "Tiny little me. The vampire shield," I muttered.

Edward's laugh came out in a gust of sweet smelling breath. I finished two plates of food to please Esme, but I ate slowly and watched Emmett and Rosalie play cards, trying to ensure that I wouldn't feel too sick after. Alice and Jasper had disappeared somewhere, promising to return. They were a perfect couple. Whenever I saw them, it made me want to grab Edward and go for one of our all-day walks. Just to talk with him.

"Timberlee," I heard Alice call in her beautiful, soprano voice. She appeared next to Edward and took my hand. She pulled me out of Edward's lap. "We need to have a talk," she told me. "The way things are going now, I'll never get you away from Edward for ten minutes."

I laughed at Edward's glare and followed her upstairs. Jasper was reading in the corner when we entered their room. I smiled gently because I knew my presence alone would make it hard for him to concentrate on anything. "What do you want to talk about?" I asked Alice.

"Well, lots of things, but you probably have more questions than I do," Alice replied. "Vampire talk." She grinned at me.

I nodded, glancing at Jasper. He was pretending he didn't hear us, but I knew he did. Not that he was eavesdropping. It was just part of being a vampire. "Will Edward change me?" I asked Alice.

"I don't know. I can't see anything until he's made the decision. So far, he's too stubborn. He doesn't want you to be like us. But I know you're just as stubborn as he is. With me on your side, you've got the advantage."

"I just wish he would change me now. Or as a birthday present this year. But he refuses and he won't even listen to why I want to be a vampire. He thinks my reasoning is as bad as my priorities, I guess."

Alice squeezed my hand. "You don't know how hard it is for us. We struggle all the time, even now. Edward's trying to save you from the pain."

I nodded. I knew that! "I know. But I'm pretty sure the pain--or even the thought--of losing him would be worse."

Alice knew how I felt. I knew she did, even though she'd never been in my place. I learned so much about her as we talked, cross-legged on the floor. She didn't remember her human life, but she found out that James had changed her. That it was an accident, that she would have died if things hadn't gone the way they did. But she didn't seem to mind at all, and I was glad. My encounter with James caused her to find out the truth.

I returned downstairs later that night, arms linked with Alice. I couldn't help smiling at Edward. He jumped to his feet, took my hand in his. "We've been talking about you," he announced.

"Lovely," I muttered, glancing at Rosalie. "Nothing too horrible, I hope?"

"No, no. Emmett things he could beat you at chess."

"Oh, is that a challenge?" I asked Emmett. "What's the bet?"

Emmett grinned. "I love a competitive girl," he said, jumping up to get the chess board. "You win and I eat a whole plate of food. I win and you have to..."

"Listen to you brag about it," Alice finished. "If you win, you just don't have to eat." Emmett agreed to those terms, but I swore I caught another glare from Edward to Emmett ass I moved to help set up the chess board. I played against Emmett twice, Jasper once, Edward four times, and Carlisle once. It was exhausting, but the least experienced player--me--was undefeated until Esme suggested that Carlisle play against me. I played one more game against Edward and lost, but I figured out he was cheating afterwards. He'd asked Alice to look into the future to see my next move, and he would read her mind to find out what it was. Once I figured that out, I pretended to be angry and elbowed Edward in the ribs, which he probably couldn't even feel. But I actually thought it was funny how they were able to use their gifts to conspire against me.

Esme made me dinner of chicken enchiladas, which Emmett refused to eat, despite our bet. As I always did, I devoured them. Edward drove me home in silence, but it wasn't awkward or uneasy. It was peaceful and I knew he too was thinking about our day. But it was coming to an end. I could tell Edward was thirsty, and when we turned onto my street, I saw Billy Black's truck in the driveway and I knew Jacob was there since Billy couldn't drive. So Edward would leave and return some time in my sleep after he'd hunted some more. More than he did that morning.


	4. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

Edward didn't come that night. When I woke up, I felt a freezing touch on my throat and I knew it could only be one thing. I smiled, opening my eyes to see his face. Edward was bending over me, on his hands and knees. I reached my arms up around his neck and he kissed my throat again. I loved the way he did that. It told me how much he loved me, what he was willing to do for me. It was like he was telling me that he didn't mind being in pain as long as he was with me.

Edward ran his fingers along the blue veins in my arm. The sensation, not the cold touch of his skin, gave me goose bumps. I closed my eyes and Edward moved to my lips. I didn't move because I saw Edward's eyes were darker. He hadn't gone hunting that night. Or maybe he had planned to and something else came up. Edward seemed to be in an even better mood than usual, so I guessed nothing bad happened.

Edward's fingers traced the veins in my neck. Then he twisted his body so he was no longer over me, but beside me. I rolled over to look at his gorgeous face. He pushed my hair out of my face. "Good morning, beautiful," he said with a grin.

Beautiful, I doubted it so soon after I woke up. I knew Edward believed it though. He rubbed my arm softly and I rested my head on his shoulder. "I love how warm your skin is," he told me. "And how bright it is. It's not pale or dead cold."

I laughed, looking up at him. I'd always been pale. Not white like the Cullens, but pale. Edward grinned because he could guess what I was thinking. "I like your skin. It's cool, but at the same time, it's arm. I've always been warm, feverish almost. Your touch kind of cancels that out. I don't know if I got too much sun as a kid in LA or if I'm just... weird."

Edward raised an eyebrow. Then he smiled at me. "You have a reply for everything, don't you?"

"Oh, no, not everything. Most things though. If I had enough time, I'm sure I would be able to think of more replies. I wish I had a reply for everything."

"Such as?" Edward inquired. He somehow found an interesting topic in everything I said.

I breathed in the sweet smelling air around him. "Like once, Michael was six. I was seven. He came home from school one day and asked why one of his friend's dads kept hitting his friend. How do you explain that to anyone, but especially a six year old kid? How can you explain it without making it sound like it's the boy's fault?"

"What did you tell him?"

"I said that he was a bad person, but I was only seven myself. I didn't know the answer even. How could anyone give someone else an answer they don't have?"

Edward studied me, studied what he could see of my face with the angle it was at. "What happened to the kid?"

"He shot his father when he was nine. He's in jail."

Edward frowned. His face was as dark as mine. He knew the horrors I felt somehow. "I don't see how a father could do that to their child," he said finally, hugging me closer. "I couldn't imagine how horrible it would be for the child either. What kind of parent would do that to their own child? Give it life, just to abuse the life? And why? It doesn't make sense to me."

"Me neither. Do you like kids?"

Edward nodded. "Some of them."

I smiled at his tone of voice and looked into his eyes. "Do you want a big family then? If the kids are to your liking?"

"Not a big family, but I always saw myself with two or three," he answered. Somehow, that sounded strange to me. Edward with children was like a foreign country to me, space unexplored. It was one thing I couldn't imagine yet. "Do you want kids?"

I nodded into his chest. "No more than three though. I always wanted them close together, like me and Michael. And I wanted a boy first. I always wanted an older brother, but I saw myself with two boys, one girl. Even if I'm a tomboy and dating a vampire, I know I'd want a little girl to dress up eventually."

Edward smiled. Apparently, dating a vampire and him dating a human put us in a whole new category. I had thought so much about kids, but not so much about marriage. It seemed the other way around for my Edward. He was born in 1901 technically--as a human. Marriage had always been in his future, and he knew it for so long. I always planned to have kids, even if I never truly thought about it. I just always knew I would have a few kids.

"Dream family?" I inquired.

"Few kids, happily married, nice house close my family," he listened. Exactly what I thought it would be.

"Can vampires have children?" I asked, sitting up.

"Female vampires, no. But I could get you pregnant," he replied quietly. He sounded so uncomfortable. The conversation all my other boyfriends considered normal, and Edward sounded extremely embarrassed to talk about it. "But I'm not sure what species the child would be or if it would be closer to a human or a vampire."

I nodded in understanding. I allowed myself a smile. Poor Edward! He was so out of place in the year 2009. I was glad about the fact that he was mature, but I wasn't so glad that he was so awkward now and had to listen to people's thoughts. I let out a small breath, making sure it wasn't directed towards Edward. "So would Carlisle have kids of his own if Esme could?"

"Yeah, I think so, but they can't. Won't you miss out on kids if you become a vampire? Won't you be sad to be unable to have a family?"

"I can adopt," I replied. I was set on having a family of my own, but I wasn't about to give up on the idea of becoming a vampire. "Mom was never supposed to be able to have kids. That's why they adopted me, but she still had Michael. Miracles happen sometimes."

Edward frowned. He looked a little angry. Not the fury I'd seen in him before when I was in danger. Just anger that I wouldn't give in and that I kept hoping. "You're too optimistic. You'll realize some day that it's not so easy as wishing," he told me. He rubbed my back. "I've lived this long and I've met a lot of vampires. Carlisle's met even more, and neither of us have ever found a vampire who can have children. If you want kids, have them before you decide to become one of us."

I laughed, even though I knew it would make him even more angry. "I've already made that decision, Edward," I whispered. "What could I do to convince you to change me now?" I asked thoughtfully, more seriously. "I want to be frozen like this forever." I only added the last part because he was squeezing my waist. Softly, but with strength. His strength bottled inside of him.

"Marry me," he answered after a long pause. But with the pace he said it at, I knew he'd been thinking it all along. Ever since I asked.

"What?" I sat up so I could clearly see his face. "How can I marry you? I'm not even seventeen yet, and not even my mom would sign the papers to make that legal."

"I know, but after you're eighteen, if you marry me, I promise you'll be a vampire."

I was silent. I didn't know how to reply. How could I agree to marry him? But how could I not? I snuggled into Edward's side, thinking about what my wedding would be like. I remembered sitting in a coffee shop with my dear friend Phoebe, looking at magazines. While we were there, we looked at Bride's Magazine, and pointed out all the different dresses we liked. I must have made it to forty before the last page of the magazine. I knew that I didn't want to have a traditional, boring white wedding dress. I never wanted a traditional wedding. There had to be something special about it.

Edward kissed the top of my head. "You hungry?" he asked, but the growl of my stomach answered for me. "I'll go make you some pancakes."

"And coffee," I mumbled, rolling out of bed. I grabbed an old pair of baggy jeans from my dresser and a smile gray t-shirt. My showers seemed to grow shorter and shorter everyday when Edward was waiting for me. I couldn't help hurrying. Edward made my whole life tolerable. He was the reason I enjoyed Forks and the rainy days were the best. He was the reason why I never wanted to leave unless Edward was with me. He would have to leave sometime--he never got any older--and they couldn't really cover it up. So when he left, I hoped he would take me with him. A promise had never been made out loud. And that was one fear I had. How could I live without him?

I couldn't.

Edward handed me my plate of apple pancakes--he knew they were my favorite--when I sat down at the kitchen table. A cup of coffee was also waiting. He was thorough! He obviously knew I hadn't slept much that night because the coffee was black. I smiled. In a lot of ways, him being observant was good, but other times, it got a little frustrating. He knew all the signs of hunger, exhaustion, boredom, and so on, and it often interrupted our conversations. He also knew all the signs to announce when I was trying to hide it.

"So what are we doing today?" I asked.

"The new table's getting here today," Edward reminded me. "But once it is, I think we should go for a bike ride, enjoy the fresh air while it's warm."

"Okay, sounds find. You have a bike or do you have to borrow one?"

Edward grinned at my tone. He was fast enough without a bike and he had a car anyway. What use was a lousy bike? "I could buy one..."

"No. You can ride Michael's since Dad wouldn't be happy if you rode his. I can ride Dad's. It's better anyway." I giggled. "Michael's is a little rusted too. But you can handle it better than I could."

Edward nodded with a grin. He knew about my balance problems as well as coordination issues. He constantly caught me when I tripped. He would have insisted I ride the better bike anyway. So I ate and he helped me with the dishes. The table arrived before we made it to the back door to get the bikes out of the shed in the back yard. It took twenty minutes to get rid of the old table and replace it with my new table. Edward volunteered to get the bikes out while I polished it.

I grabbed my favorite pair of Vans and dashed out the front door to join Edward by the road. He'd adjusted Dad's seat to fit me perfectly. Luckily, Michael's bike was too big for him and it fit Edward perfectly. I mounted mine. Edward gave me a head start down the road and then he caught up to me easily. His athleticism was less than fair.

"So you like the outdoors a lot. You like hiking, riding bikes," Edward observed. He turned towards the center of Forks with so much ease I wanted to ram my bike into his just to see if I could make him fall over, but I followed.

"It's great with you! I'm not terrified I'll fall over and break my neck trying to do the simplest thing," I replied, slightly out of breath.

Edward grinned at me and I laughed joyously. We stopped at a small restaurant to get me some water and continued down the road. I sent a glare at Edward for not preparing me--Dad's cruiser was parked just down the street and he already saw us. We couldn't turn and avoid whatever inquiry he would give us.

I stopped, using my left foot and Edward's right hand to keep my balance. "Hey, Dad," I said, smiling. "Slow day? Come to look for speeders and kidnappers?"

Dad rolled his eyes. He hated my sarcasm. "Something like that. What're you two doing?"

"Just enjoying the nice weather. And I want to get into better shape if the rain will ever let up for a few days," I answered, deciding to have Edward be my personal trainer in that minute. "A new hobby other than reading," I explained quickly when Dad gave Edward a suspicious look. "Forks without paparazzi gives me more time to do things other than dodging photographers on a bad hair day."

"You could mow the lawn or get a job," Dad suggested, glaring at Edward. "Or both."

It was hard not to laugh. After all this time, Charlie was still trying to get me away from Edward. He should have seen it was impossible. I needed Edward to be happy. Without him, life didn't matter. I knew that now. But I bit back my laugh. "Anyone hiring?" I asked. Not because I wanted the money. I just wanted something to do. Edward couldn't be with me every second or Dad would go crazy and Edward had to take care of himself and vampire needs too.

"Mike's dad," Charlie answered, sounding pleased. "You should apply, honey. A good opportunity for work experience."

I nodded. Mike Newton was one of my friends from school. His family owned a sporting goods store outside of town. Not my top choice for a job that pays minimum wage--I had to put up with Mike--but it was something. "Sure. I'll stop by and pick up an application on the way home," I told Edward with a smile. Better to face Mike with Edward there. An evil plan, but a good one. "I'll be home... some time, okay? Not sure what we're doing after our bike ride, but I'll let you know." I glanced at Edward and he released his hand from my bike. His hand hadn't made it an inch away before I almost lost my balance and Dad had to catch me. I decided to pretend it didn't happen. "Bye, Dad."

Once we were far enough down the road, Edward smiled at the annoyed look on my face. "I don't mind him," he told me. Out of breath completely, I dismounted Dad's bike and walked beside it instead. Edward followed the move. "I understand how he feels actually. You're like a little kid still and I'm the first boyfriend he's met, so I might as well be your first. He feels like I'm stealing his little girl, and I guess I am in a lot of ways."

"No, I know. I understand that part. I don't trust him not to think certain things. He doesn't know you can hear him, so it's not his fault. I would just feel more comfortable if I knew what he was thinking, what you hear," I explained quietly, watching Edward's face the whole time--I trusted him to catch me if I tripped or if there was a car coming.

Edward smiled. "Don't worry about it, lamb. Most of his thoughts are more like, 'If he'--he being me--'does anything to hear, I swear I'll kill him.' But it's always 'if', so I think we're okay."

I laughed. Edward had this strange power to erase all my fears. I loved that. He was perfect and he knew exactly what to say, how to say it, and when to say it. That was extremely nice. Better than nice. Amazing! I had never met someone like that before. So my lion was my hero.

"Did you hear?" my friend Jessica asked, running over to join us.

I jumped, looking away from Edward's face. He steadied me with a hand on my arm and I wasn't even sure if I'd tripped or not. "No," I answered, but I couldn't be sure because I didn't even know what she was talking about.

"Remember those really weird animal attacks about a month ago? Nobody could find any evidence at all. They stopped, bot _now, _everyone keeps talking about these huge wolves. Mike heard a few campers talking about them in the store. You think they were the animals?"

"Uh... I dunno," I replied, but I did. I knew the animals before weren't wolves. They were actually vampires, but the thought of campers in Forks got me stuck, enough to make my lie convincing. Why anyone come to Forks for camping or hiking or anything else for that mater made no sense to me. Forks, Washington, was almost completely sunless. Almost five months of living there, and I could count the sunny days on one hand. I didn't mind though. Clouds meant I could see Edward--vampires couldn't come out in the sunlight because their skin sparkled like a thousand diamonds were embedded in their skin. Neither of my parents knew, but if they did, I knew they would see why I was so attached to Forks.

"It's so weird," Jessica continued. "Kind of scary. One guy said it was as big as a bear. Scary, huh?"

Not really. Not for me anyway. I knew Edward would protect me from anything, whether it was a bear or just an abnormally large wolf. But I nodded--my friendship with Jess was shaky because her boyfriend, Mike Newton, once liked me. And I'd been neglecting all my friends for the past month. All my time was spent with Edward. "Yeah, really scary. Hope they figure it out before anyone is hurt," I said, glancing at Edward, who remained silent. "No one's been hurt yet, right?"

"Two people have disappeared," Jessica answered.

I looked over at Edward, frowning. His look told me that he would explain later. I looked back to Jessica. "Scary," I whispered thoughtfully.

"Yeah, well, I'll see you around, Timberlee." Jessica hurried away.

A few minutes passed and we walked our bikes up another small hill. Then I stopped at a busy intersection, waiting for the road to clear of traffic. "Edward, is there another vampire here?" I whispered, breathless with anxiety. My last run in with vampires who drank human blood was still fresh in my mind, still as terrifying as it was then, even with Edward at my side. It wasn't that I didn't trust him. It was that vampires were monsters when they wanted to be, and so many chose to drink human blood.

"No. Don't worry about it, Ma Vie. We'll know if someone comes here." Edward touched my cheek lightly. "I'll protect you, no matter what I have to do. I promise."

I smiled and mounted Dad's bike again. We rode downhill two blocks to the Newton's Sporting Goods store. Edward stayed outside with the bikes. I only meant to take about five minutes to pick up the application, but it was one of the days Mike worked. He told me first hand about the wolves. He took another fifteen minutes to tell me the theories he'd come up with. He thought it was all for publicity from what I'd gathered between pleading glances towards Edward. Mike went as far as to explain why he believed that. Finally, I announced that I had to go and ran for my life.

Application tucked into my pocket, I hurried out to the bikes and Edward. He looked furious. Yet he didn't come in when I'd sent him the hundredth pleading look. "Not sure why Jessica puts up with him or why I do," he said quietly, his jaw clenched. I'd never seen him that angry before, except for when he was fighting James and one other time maybe. "Think you'll get the job?" he asked to change the subject, breaking into my thoughts.

The second incident I'd thought of when he was more angry--when he saved me from seven drunks in Port Angeles. But I smiled because I knew how much Edward wanted to be distracted from whatever he'd heard in Mike's mind. "Uh... I hope so," I replied. "Dad will be pleased if I do. Even if I only work one shift a week. And the money will head towards crossing out all the money I spent on the table. Not to mention all my other shopping habits," I mumbled, mounting Dad's bike again.

Edward smiled. He knew all about how much I loved shopping. He spent a ton of money on me too. I had come close to running out of room in my closet. But he never mentioned it. We started towards home then, back to my house at an easier pace than before.

With all the commotion about disappearances, I knew Charlie would be swamped at work eventually, whenever things got to him. He always worked overtime anyway. His job was his wife and children, even with me in Forks. It was summer, too, which meant the entire Forks High School was free to make trouble for him if they wanted. I could list twenty kids who probably would too! So before we put the bikes back into the shed, I pulled out the old, rusted, and smelly mower.

The backyard was smaller than most in the neighborhood, but the water flow was better, so it wasn't always swamped with mud and water. Edward mowed the backyard because it was bigger than the front. I mowed the front after insisting on it. He moved too fast. It made me dizzy to watch him gracefully mow the lawn without leaving any footprints or evidence that he was walking at all. It looked like he was floating on some invisible spot. Edward went inside while I finished up the last bit. When I walked inside, he had lemonade and watermelon ready for me, as well as chicken strips. I smiled, sitting on the counter. He flipped through the mail as I ate. As usual, there was several letters from colleges who wanted me to attend. Four this time. But my plan had always been to go to Yale.

"You applied for college yet?" Edward asked. "At all?"

"A few. Not Yale though, not yet. Applied for University of Alaska and Dartmouth though," I replied. But they were both colleges Edward said he was thinking about going to. He obviously noticed that. He looked up at me from the table. "I'll apply for Yale on a sunny day or a slow day at work if I get the job," I told him quickly. My voice sounded too defensive... Not good. "I want to make sure I can give it my full concentration."

Edward nodded, but I could see the sarcasm in how he raised his eyebrows. I did plan to aplly to Yale though! I would. There was only a ten percent acceptance rate though. I could easily deal with the thirty-five thousand a year with my trust fund, but there was never a Plan B after Yale. That was the only college I ever wanted to go to. "Oh, and I applied for Coe College in Iowa," I added. Iowa wasn't exactly the sunniest place in the world, but it wasn't in Alaska or a college Edward said he wanted to go to. "One of my friends goes there."

"Good," Edward said, more pleased. "So do you plan to go straight to college the fall after you graduate? Or are you going to wait?"

"Probably go right to college. I'll be eighteen by the time the semester at any college starts," I replied, and took a gulp of lemonade. Perfect! Not too sweet or too bitter. That was amusing to me because Edward didn't eat. He must have known I wasn't finished replying because he didn't say anything. "Mom wants me to apply for Stephen's College in Missouri too. It's an all girls school though. But she wanted me to look into the equestrian study program. Still, I'm out of practice."

"Have you been riding long?"

"Seven years before I came here," I answered. "By now, it'd kill me to sit on a horse for five minutes."

"Did you ride English or western?"

"English. I used to do three day eventing. I leased a horse for a while too, but as much as I enjoyed it, I don't think it would have lasted much longer. My modeling career would have taken all my time. Sort of glad to get rid of parts of the whole deal though," I mumbled.

Edward grinned. "Such as?"

"I hated some of the things paparazzi would yell out when I was with friends. I always knew a few who were extremely rude. Others were better. On top of that, I didn't realize how little privacy I had until I moved here and got some. In LA, if they saw us together, we'd be plastered on every magazine there is. They'd make up stories about me cheating, you cheating, you being abusive, me being the wrong girl for you, and so on. Edward, it's so weird, but I like my life here now. Modeling takes a lot more than I thought," I told him.

Edward made me pause. "You're the only girl for me," he said, then gestured for me to continue.

"With commercial modeling, you could spend all day on a set for one ad and they'll give you a hundred bucks. I got a lot more than most models. I was happy about that, but the more people knew my face, the more crowded I got. With high fashion, there's a lot more money. I got paid more with that too. It still takes a lot of time. The bigger the model, the later you arrive at the set or the show," I explained. "There's too many ways it takes energy out of you. Lots of stuff."

"Ah. I think I get the general idea now. Unless you wish to continue," Edward said.

I shook my head, trying not to grin because my mouth was full of chicken. It would be a horrible sight if I spit it out all over the floor because he was making me laugh. They were delicious! I swallowed without choking. "No, I'm happy out of that life," I replied with another smile. "Maybe when I do go home, now it won't be so crazy. My visits would be more peaceful."

Edward stood suddenly. He was in front of me with one step. I smiled, confused. He put his hands on my hips. "Will you forgive me if I can't keep my hands off you for a few seconds?" he asked with a grin. His lips were at my level for once, so he didn't have to bend down to reach my lips. I didn't reply. I wrapped my legs around him, ankles crossed. My arms around his neck, I could only wait for him. His grin widened, but his kiss was short. I leaned back against the cabinet, not bothering to hide my annoyance. "Sorry," he said, running his hands over my throat. "You're just really... sexy right now. I didn't think I could stop..."

I nodded, smiling proudly. Edward--modernized. That was the first time he'd ever said I was sexy. It sounded out of place and strange coming from him, but I still liked it. It impressed me that he adjusted so quickly, even if he wouldn't make out with me. He stopped long before I wanted him to. All the time.

We went to the living room. I turned on Mash, my favorite tv show. I grabbed a hard cover book from the floor and used it to rest the application on. I saw Edward's amused look and I was close enough to reading his mind. I could tell what he was thinking. "Nothing like having my agent get me a latte and make the phone calls, huh?" I said with a grin as I wrote down my name as neatly as possible.

Edward and I watched three episodes of Mash. When Dad came home, I was on the couch still. I was using Edward's legs as a pillow, my own legs hung over the arm of the couch. We were watching Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron. Dad hung up his gun belt by the door, like he always did. He looked exhausted, but I couldn't tell if it was from a crazy day or a boring day. "Hey, Dad!" I called, playing with the hair on the side of Edward's head while he grinned, trying not to look down at me.

"Hey, honey. Edward." _Wow! _I thought. He was even too tired to be mean to Edward. Edward's gentle smile told me there was nothing wrong though. He was just tired from work. "What've you been up to?" Dad asked, entering the living room. "Table looks nice."

"Thanks. Yeah, uh... Nothing. We've just been watching movies since we came back from our bike ride. How was work?"

"Fine. Thanks for mowing. Mind if I watch the game?"

I handed Dad the remote with an intentional stiffness. "Sure, whatever you want," I replied, rolling onto my side, then sitting up. "You can watch the game, Edward. I'm gonna make dinner. Anything specific you want, Dad?"

"Anything's fine." His usual reply.

I groaned in annoyance and hurried off to the kitchen. Edward followed minutes later to help me. I was glad. He was much better in the kitchen than I was. Even if I almost burnt the steaks staring at him. Dad heard us laughing and only glanced over his shoulder to see me bent over, clutching my stomach while Edward saved the steaks, also laughing. This was happiness in one small, situation. I wanted it to last forever.


	5. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

The temperature dropped that night. I woke, tangled in a blanket with Edward's arms wrapped around me. My thick blanket was the only thing that separated our skin, but I could still feel how cold he was. I smiled at the sound of rain pounding down on the roof. When I sat up, I could see the road was flooded with at least two inches of water. With the sky still pouring rain, I doubted that would change. I cleared my throat.

"I slept like a baby," I said, but Edward already knew that. He had gone hunting after Charlie made him leave. He came through my window an hour later. We talked and talked until I fell asleep. That was the first time he didn't insist I went to bed after my first yawn. Not that night.

Edward kissed my head. "You did," he said. He sounded distant, like there was a lot on his mind. Some kind of pain was there too. Not the kind of pain he felt when he was thirsty. Something inside. I didn't understand. It sounded like he was saying goodbye, but he was right there. He wasn't leaving. He could hear my heart beat and he could make it fast. He could hear my blood, smell it, and feel it, but he wanted to taste it. I knew he wouldn't. He had the strength to kill me, but instead, he was the most gentle person alive. He could read mines and I was the one exception to that power. He was a vampire. I was his pray. But he didn't drink my blood. He was perfect, and that sadness didn't belong in his voice.

"What're you thinking about, lamb?" he asked, trying to sound cheerful. He must have caught onto how I noticed his mood.

"You, me, us," I answered quietly, nestling into his chest. "I guess I can't believe you're here."

"I can leave," Edward mumbled. I could hear the small grin in his voice. It wasn't as wide as it usually was though... I tightened my hold on his waist anyway. I chewed on my bottom lip thoughtfully, waiting for him to continue. Since I moved to Forks, my bad habit of eating away at my lip wasn't so bad. Edward's presence helped my nervous habit, but I was starting it up again simply to help me think. I didn't understand what was going on. I wanted to know what he was thinking... Why he sounded... guilty.

Edward let out a sigh. He rubbed my back with his extremely strong hands. I closed my eyes with a smile and pushed myself up on my elbows. "And what're you thinking?" I inquired. He usually asked me that, but I needed to know why he sounded like that.

"Nothing important," he answered, but I could tell he wasn't telling the truth. Not that he was lying. He just wasn't telling the whole truth. There was something important on his mind. Very important. That was the only reason he would let anything get between us. I couldn't help noticing that he was more tense than usual. He didn't relax in my bed with me in his arms. Something was definitely wrong.

"So I see," I muttered, feeling annoyed. Why wouldn't he just tell me? "Anything you want to talk about? People say I'm a pretty good listener."

"Timmy, you're..." He sighed, and I could hear the frustration. He wasn't just frustrated though. He was furious with himself for something. I couldn't help him if he wasn't open. And he wasn't. "You'll always be my pray and I'll always be your predator," he said quietly. "Even now, I'm scared I'll lose control with you. The longer I'm with you, the easier it becomes, but I become thirsty more quickly too. It scares me that I have the strength to kill you. I don't know if I can control myself, even now."

"There's nothing wrong with being tempted. Don't you know how tempted I am to seduce you and make you go farther than you want to? Temptation isn't wrong, Edward. It's how you handle the temptation that matters."

"But my temptation could kill you. You don't know what that feels like."

"And living? By having a life, you'll die eventually. I've accepted that. No one knows when they'll die or how. I don't know what it feels like, no, but I could kill myself falling down the stairs. You don't know how strong you are unless you're tempted. And you've resisted this long, haven't you? It only gets easier."

"Vampires can't die. It's extremely hard to kill them. I couldn't live without you."

I nodded because I already knew vampires couldn't be killed easily. "But if the world had a beginning, it will have an ending too," I replied quietly. "Vampires won't be able to survive that."

Edward smiled sadly. He pulled me closer. Still tense. Something was still wrong. He wasn't telling me what was really on his mind. Something had happened. I didn't know what it was. "That's true, but still," he said quietly.

"You won't kill me. I know you won't. Or you would have already. And you don't know how strong you are." I saw him raise his eyebrows in question, like he didn't believe me, and I glared at him. "Not physically. I meant mentally. You're too damn stubborn to see it."

Edward nodded, playing with my hair. He usually would have smiled at that. Not even a twitch. "True, but sometimes it's too hard to think. I wish you weren't so delicious. I don't like having instincts that tell me to kill you."

"Would you love me if I wasn't delicious?" I asked thoughtfully.

Edward grinned then. Still sad, but at least he wasn't moping... "Maybe not, but I guess you suffer too. You sit, waiting for me to make a move, and I never do--not that I don't want to."

I laughed. "You can if you want," I said shyly.

Edward laughed and rolled over so he was leaning over me. He ran his fingers along my throat, then up to the sides of my face. One hand on my cheek, the other on my waist, gripping the side of my waist firmly. His lips ran over my arm to my collarbone, up my neck. It would have been so easy for him to dig his perfect teeth into my flesh and my life would have been over in seconds. He could have done it. It would have ended the burn in his throat. It would have hurt him in the end. He continued onto my lips. I put my hand on the back of his neck. I wasn't even close to being strong enough, but I tried to pull his lips to mine again. Edward followed my wimpy pull without any hesitation. He was grinning. I reached my hands up into his hair and that's when he stopped. I shrunk back shyly because I knew he thought we'd gone too far.

"See?" he inquired, laughing like I'd told some hilarious joke. Or like someone else told a joke and I didn't understand it. "You're disappointed."

I nodded honestly. "Because you give me a sample, but you won't give me the real thing," I replied. "Not exactly my favorite idea, but the sample was nice."

Edward shook his head, still grinning, and rolled off of me. "Beautiful, don't you want to wait until marriage?"

"Not to have a real kiss," I answered with a giggle. "Let's go out in the rain," I suggested, sitting up. Edward would never go on because he thought he needed to control how far things went since I was controlled by hormones. But it was mostly me. So I made a mental note not to go for Edward's hair or his shirt or anything else he might not like. "I feel like playing outside in the rain for a while."

Edward pinched my cheek lightly. "And get a horrible cold. I'll go make you breakfast."

"No, no, no! Let's go out for breakfast. I wanna walk because it's warmer. Supposed to reach like eighty or something, right?"

"Oh, eighty as opposed to the humidity of LA!"

I smacked his chest. "Write me a letter while I'm in the shower," I told him, and grabbed an outfit out of my closet. Edward grabbed one of my old notebooks and a pen. I laughed as I left my room. I could hear Dad snoring in his room. I rolled my eyes at the sound and locked the bathroom door.

When I returned to my room, Edward signed his letter. Secretively, he closed it before I could get a glance at how he began. He pulled me onto his lap and kissed my forehead. "You ready then?" he asked. Edward carried me downstairs to the front door. I slipped on a sweater and Edward put up the hood for me while I zipped it. We left a tiny note for Dad that he probably wouldn't even find.

We hurried out into the rain. As we walked, I kicked up the puddles. It was pouring and I could hardly see ten feet in front of me, not the beauty of Edward's face several inches to my side either, which was disappointing--I loved how he looked in the rain. I trusted Edward to keep me safe. His eyes were better than me anyway. "So where are we walking?" I asked since I had no planned destination when I suggested we take a walk.

"To turn in your application at the Newton's. I have it, don't worry. And then we can go wherever you want. Breakfast first though."

We walked at my pace, which must have been annoying for Edward when he could run so much faster. He kept his usual arm around me. No one else was out. Forks, Washington, was the worst place in the world to spend the summer in. The near constant clouds and downpour, the sunless sky, most would try to escape somewhere where the sun actually existed. But stores were packed of people who were trying to get out of the rain. The sidewalks were totally empty other than myself and Edward. Summer in Forks was a lot like any other season. Colder than LA summers, which was what I was used to, and wet. I didn't mind. On the sunny days, I could go to La Push and visit Jacob or go to Edward's house--driving myself on most days--or I could just lay in bed with my whole box of letters from Edward. I could stare at the poster of us on my ceiling. I could look at all the pictures o fus. Plus I had the smell of his feather pillow and the CDs he made me of the music he'd composed. That was enough to get me through one day. Possibly two or three. But we hadn't been apart that long for weeks. And the days we were apart were filled with phone calls and text messages, as well as a million thoughts of each other.

Edward came inside Newton's Sporting Goods with me this time--Mike was working again. "Oh, hey, Cullen," Mike called, but I knew they hated each other. "Timberlee, you look freezing." Fake concern, trying to show he was better than Edward. Ha! No. Never.

"No, I'm fine," I replied with a smile, looking through a stack of magazines. "I just came to drop off my job application."

"Oh, well, Mom's in the back. She could just interview you now. That'd save you another trip here. Just a minute. I'll go get her."

"Rude," I mumbled to Edward when Mike disappeared. Edward nodded with a grin.

"So what do you want for your birthday?"

"Nothing," I answered. "Nothing at all."

"You have to give me something. Some kind of idea. What do you want--books? A new car? Is it that embarrassing?"

I smacked his stomach. Always teasing me. I hated being given things. Especially when they were expensive, like Edward's usually were. "Fine." I smiled, my hand on his marble chest. "I want to be with you from six in the morning to midnight. I want to fall asleep in your arms and wake up in them," I answered. Edward seemed okay with that. He also seemed like he was having another one of those moments when he couldn't keep his hands off me. Which was what I was aiming for. Better get him in a great mood before I said the "big one".

"Anything else?" Edward inquired like he knew I wasn't finished.

I nodded. "I want you to change me," I whispered.

Edward rolled his eyes and shrugged out of my grasp. He was furious. "Answer's no."

I glared at him. "Why not?"

"Timberlee!" I jumped at turned to face Mike's mom with a smile. "I'm so glad I finally get to meet you. Your father's told me so much about you. You're just as beautiful as he said," she continued with the same smile. Annoying and over enthusiastic. Now I understood where Mike got it.

I returned the smile. "Thanks. This is my boyfriend, Edward Cullen." Rub it in Mike's face if he wants to be rude. That was probably an official declaration of war though...

"It's nice to meet you," Edward said politely with a stunning smile, but it sounded strained to me. Maybe Mike was being an idiot again in his thoughts or maybe Edward's original sadness was returning.

"And you. Timberlee, why don't you come back to the office to warm up? We have a fresh pot of coffee. The interview won't take long. Mr. Cullen and Mike can chat."

"Oh!" I exclaimed, trying to think of any reason why Edward didn't have to. "Um... Actually, we were about to go to breakfast," I said, leaning into Edward's side because I was losing my balance. Weighed down my soaking clothes, it was always nice to have a beautiful vampire to lean against. "Why don't you go on to the restaurant and I'll meet you there when I'm done."

Edward nodded and kissed me, but he was glaring at Mike. I couldn't help but notice that it was longer than usual and more intense without going too far. He was trying to smash Mike's ego completely. I smiled, watching him leave, trying not to burst into giggles. "Creep," Mike mumbled, and I followed Mrs. Newton into the office after sending a glare at Mike. He tried to look innocent. Didn't work.

Most of the interview was spent chit chatting about how the weather. Mrs. Newton talked about how the downpour had changed just slightly. My replies sounded stupid and unintelligent because I hadn't notice any change whatsoever. It wasn't important! I had been with Edward all morning and he wasn't as sad anymore.

A half hour later, I dashed full speed down two blocks, across the street, down another block to the tiny diner where Edward was waiting. I managed to do all of that in soaking clothes without tripping. Amazing! I sat across from him and took a huge gulp of water as he pushed it over. "Apparently, I missed the part where the rain turned to slush, then turned back to rain," I mumbled in annoyance, even though that wasn't what Mrs. Newton said. She claimed it was a drizzle, not slush. "Not sure how anyone in this town cane fascinate themselves with weather."

Edward grinned--he'd grown used to my heavy sarcasm. "So did they hire you on the spot or what?"

"They said they'd call me," I answered, taking another sip of water. It was a small victory for Dad. "Working a shift or two three days a week for seven bucks an hour, but hey, it's only a maybe. And it's a crappy job. Any job with Mike..."

"That it is, Beautiful," Edward replied with another grin as the waitress came over to take our order. Or rather mine. "Just some black coffee for me," Edward told her, but I knew the coffee was actually for me, not him.

"Raspberry nut pancakes," I told her with a smile. I looked back to Edward. "So what do you plan to do if I get the job? Gonna get one yourself?"

"No. I'll hunt then," he answered, glancing around. "We've been dating for... what? Three months or so? And people still stare. Wonder what makes us such an attraction. If I didn't already know all the gossip and secrets, I'd make my own newspaper. That'd be a good pass time. But it probably wouldn't answer why people stare like they do."

I laughed. "Three months isn't accurate though," I told him. "Fourteen weeks, not including our spring break incident. So two months, two weeks," I replied with a grin. Usually, it was Edward who had all the details. Not me. "And we're celebrities because you're gorgeous and I'm average. They don't understand the chemistry between us. And you should write your own paper."

"You're above average. Average would be shallow, vein, stupid. You're perfect." He grinned at me. "And look who's reading minds now," he mumbled.

I laughed, throwing my head back. "Ever considered being a comedian?"

"No. You're the only one that would laugh."

"Probably, but I'd pay fifty bucks to see you every night."

"I might have to take you up on that," Edward replied as the waitress returned with my food.

We talked. After I finished my pancakes, we stayed there and chatted about our favorite tv shows, our favorite composers, instruments, and genres. We went onto talk about what classes we were going to take our senior year so we'd be in all the same classes. Then Edward bought me a salad for lunch. With everyone whispering about us, I ate and Edward watched. I smiled when Dad walked in. "Hey, Dad," I greeted, a little annoyed.

Without invitation, he joined us at our table. "How long have you two been here?" Dad asked.

"Since breakfast," our waitress answered. "They've been talking. And they don't seem to mind the gossip. An adorable couple!" She touched my arm. "What'll you have, Chief?"

"The usual," Dad said. "Timberlee, you should spend time with Jake. I hear he's been having some friend trouble. He'd love your company."

I nodded because my mouth was full. I chewed and swallowed. "Sure, sure, I'll help him out however I can. Maybe he'll learn to be friends with Edward then." I understood that Jake absolutely hated Edward, but I could still hope. I honestly wanted them to be friends. Like best friends so I didn't have to be so paranoid that Jake was going to piss Edward off beyond return if we hung out.

Dad glared furiously at me, then Edward, and slammed his fist down on the table, which drew a few more looks. "Now I don't care what I have to do, how long I have to ground you, you're not going to push off Jake's friendship because you think you're in love."

"Dad, I was joking, I wasn't trying to push off anyone's friendship, and who are you to say if I'm in love or not?" I replied as calmly as a could, Edawrd squeezing my hand under the table.

"You may not have been trying to push him away, but you were. And it's the same thing with all your other friends. You've replaced them all with Eddie."

"Edward!" I corrected angrily. "And maybe Edward's better company," I muttered in disgust. That was true maybe, but I shouldn't have said it. I was angry and Dad was about to kill me. He loved Jake and I wasn't being the greatest friend, no. Dad knew what he said would make me mad, and he said it anyway. He should have expected me to explode.

"You're this close to getting grounded," Dad announced, holding his hands an inch apart. The only reason he would threaten to ground me was because he wanted me to listen or because he was really that concerned about Jake.

I bit my lip hard, squeezed Edward's hand as hard as I could--he was unaffected by it--and looked back to my salad. Being grounded meant no visits from Edward. So I kept my mouth shut. Charlie cleared his throat when he was sure he had my attention. "If you can find a balance between Edward and your friends, this won't be a problem," he said more calmly. "Just don't forget your friends."

"Okay, fine." I threw my fork down and stood, throwing my chair back into the wall in the process. I saw Edward toss down a couple bills to pay for my food. I heard Dad sigh. I didn't care. I walked back out into the rain and started towards home. I was furious. Sure, I was living under Charlie's roof, but couldn't he see that all I wanted was to be with Edward? That was all I needed to be happy. No friends. And I wanted friends, yes, and I didn't want to forget them. I just wanted to absorb every moment with Edward because he would live forever and I would die in the end. I wanted to give him the most memories possible.

Edward caught up to me easily. "What's wrong?" he asked quietly.

I shook my head. "I wish he would stay out of it sometimes," I replied. "Saying that I think I'm in love didn't help any."

Edward frowned. The pain from before had returned to his face. He looked worried, frustrated, and there was something else I couldn't read. I couldn't help the thought that he was still worried about hurting me, being tempted by my blood. Those were his instincts. He fought them every day when he survived off animal blood, and I was one of the things that held him to it. But I was also something tempting him to kill again. I glanced over at him. He looked as pale as ever, his face etched with worry and the pain I'd seen before. It couldn't be just my behavior in the diner. There was something else to cause his worry now, but we walked in silence. He didn't give me any answers. That was the first time I felt distant from Edward. We weren't so close on the walk home. He even left right after I was safely inside. I didn't understand and none of it made sense. It was like our first week of dating all over again--all secrets, no information.

I walked upstairs and cried for hours. I was too confused. I didn't know why Edward kept these things from me. I couldn't help believing I could somehow help whatever he was worrying about. Maybe all of it was my fault and he didn't want to hurt me.

For the first time, I cried and Edward wasn't there to hold me.


	6. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

My nightmare returned that night. Edward kept telling me no. He never said anything else but that one word. it cut into my heart like a thousand knives. I woke up and he wasn't there to wipe away my tears or scare away the monsters in my dream. But what happened when he was the monster? I'd never seen Edward Cullen as a monster, not ever. He was so gentle, so caring, but in the dream, that vision I had of him wasn't the same. He was a monster somehow. The fact that I saw him as a villain made me cry twice as hard.

The next night, I couldn't sleep. I could only pretend and wish Edward would come. He did. I wasn't sure if he knew I was awake. He had to! But he seemed to believe I was asleep as he bent over and kissed my head. He stroked my hair once, kissed me again, and straightened. "Please believe that I will always love you," he whispered quietly. A pained voice. More pained than ever before. It frightened me. I wanted to open my eyes and hug him. But I sensed a goodbye was coming. Something was wrong and he'd come to tell me something. He didn't know if I could hear him or not. I did though. I didn't understand why he was telling me that because I knew he would always love me. He proved that every day, even in our separation and our distance. Edward kissed my head again. Longer this time. His eyes were closed, his touch was cold, his breath was weak--he was struggling. With what? My heart beat fast and he sighed. "Nothing has changed," he promised me once more, and then he was gone.

I began to cry because I was so confused. I wanted to be enough for him. Enough to end his pain. And I couldn't be that. Why not?

My eyes were swollen when Edward came that morning. His shoulders sagged. In his eyes, I saw happiness dancing, trying to escape just to show me, I saw regret already. I hugged him only because I could tell he wanted it. No response though. He was stiff in my arms. It was like hugging a statue. He was cold enough and beautiful enough. I knew he noticed how I'd been crying. No mention of it. I saw how his hand twitched to wipe the remainder of tears and kiss the tear stains. He looked away from me, his face forced. "Can we take a walk?" he asked quietly, painfully. I didn't reply. I only followed him outside. He was three steps ahead of me as we walked into the forest at the end of my neighborhood.

We must have walked for hours. I sensed Edward was trying to get up the courage to do something. I could only follow, wait until he told me whatever he was going to. My toes were numb from the cold puddles and the mud. My hands were stuffed into my pockets to keep them warm. My cheeks were numb. My mind was frozen in fear of what was coming. I didn't understand this silence.

Edward stopped and I followed. I kept my distance because I sensed that was what he wanted. He hung his head for a moment, then shook it and turned with a fierce, lion-like spring. His instincts only took over like that at certain times. It frightened me more than the silence. And his eyes were dead. No life, no joy in seeing me. He met my eyes then. "I'm leaving," he announced, breathless and forced.

I frowned. "What? To go where? Why?" I asked. My first thought was that something had happened, someone had been killed.

"I'm not happy here, Timberlee. I'm not happy with you."

I shook my head, trying to clear the misty confusion clouding my mind. "Where are you going?" I asked when I'd found my breath again. It was like Edward had knocked it from me.

"Away," he answered. His eyes flickered and he looked away when I tried to meet them again. He was avoiding my eyes. Why?

I ran to him and grabbed his arm. "Take me with you," I said. The Edward I knew would never, ever leave without me. But the look on his face, in his topaz eyes, wasn't that of the Edward Cullen I'd known, and that confused me. The confusion I felt was worse than ever. Shaking my head didn't clear my head or change the look in Edward's eyes. It grew more forced, but more furious and more fierce.

"I'm going alone. My family and I are going," he replied. "I'm not taking you with me."

I shrunk back when I recognized the look in Edward's eyes. It was the look from my nightmares. But this wasn't a nightmare. I knew this was real, as painful and horrible as it was for me to realize that. "Why not?" I asked.

"I don't love you," Edward whispered. It sounded like he was trying to make the words sound firm, but he could only muster a whisper. He was contradicting what he'd said before. He'd promised that he'd always love me. Why was he lying now? Or why did he lie before? "You're not good for me," he continued quietly. "You're bad for me, very bad. I'm leaving. And when enough time goes by, it will be as if I never existed," he whispered and he began to lift his hand. I knew the Edward I once knew would have touched my cheek, but this Edward froze. He dropped his hand, forced it to fall to his side.

"But you do exist," I insisted--I couldn't think of anything else to say. I grabbed his arm before he could walk away. He didn't pull away, but he didn't turn to me either. His eyes were dead ahead, stubborn. "Take me with you," I pleaded quietly. "I'll do anything. Please, you have to take me with you. I have to be with you. I can't be without you and you'll take me with you, right?"

"No, I won't."

"But you said you loved me!" No need to mention the words he'd spoken in the night. "You promised you would always be here for me. Didn't you mean it? Don't you still love me?" I couldn't cry. This wasn't happening. It wasn't real. It was another nightmare. Edward would never leave me! I couldn't believe any of this was true. It wasn't true. Edward was just saying these things.

"No," Edward said fiercely. It was stronger than before. His courage was up now. "No, I don't love you." He shoved my hand off his arm, and he started to leave. Human pace at first, then I took my first step to follow and he sped up as fast as he could go. Shaky legs, a weak hardly there heartbeat, with the knowledge that I would never be able to catch him, I still followed. I ran after him as fast as I could, but it wasn't fast enough. There was no footprints, the leaves were undisturbed, and Edward was gone. The last memory I had of him was as _a monster_. He was a monster now, a whole new person, a whole new creature. He promised me that he would never hurt me. There was no physical pain from when he pushed my hand away. I was too numb from everything that had happened to feel it. I couldn't breathe. My heart had stopped and it wouldn't start again. I could run for a hundred years, but Edward would always run faster. He would always be a step ahead of me, never with me, ever again. He was gone. Life, love, meaning--over.

So I fell to my knees, unable to go further, not strong enough to push myself farther. The beautiful, treasured ruby ring on my finger suddenly hurt me. The ruby was like blood, my blood burning Edward's throat. Only it burnt my finger now. It was burning into the finger I always wore it on. I shook, waiting for the tears to start, praying they would come if it relieved a small portion of the pain I felt. When the tears came, no matter how many came, the pain only got worse because I knew Edward was getting further away from my grasp with every second.

I snatched the ring off my finger, not bothering to be gentle. The most treasured piece of jewelry I owned. It was part of me. I was used to it being on my finger. But I couldn't wear it. Not after Edward did this to me. I threw it as hard as I could into the distance where Edward's scent was fading.

"I trusted you!" I screamed out, not remembering my dream. I pushed my hair out of my eyes as the rain started to get heavier. I'd never been in so much pain before. There was no reason for him to leave. He offered none that made sense to me. Only contradictions. We never had a fight or any real conflict. I didn't even know when it had started. Edward never shared his thoughts with me. He listened to all my stories, watched me cry, held me when I did, wiped away the tears, but now... Now he was gone and it wasn't a nightmare. He was gone.

"I trusted you, Edward!" I yelled out again. But after yelling it a thousand times and he didn't hesitate--I could feel him getting farther--I couldn't even yell anymore. I wasn't strong enough to do anything. Not without Edward. He was the reason for my happiness, the reason I was alive. I couldn't think without him. I couldn't walk. I couldn't fight anymore, whether I was fighting to get to my feet or fighting to find some reason for this. Edward was gone and I knew it, there was no way to fight it. The pain was there, forever struck into my heart. It would never leave.

I covered my mouth to muffle the sobs. I rocked myself back and forth, trying to find one thing to fill the gap Edward had left. My whole life was empty because Edward had been the only reason for my life. He still was, and now I no longer had him with me. There was no reason to live.

"I loved you," I sobbed in disgust, staring at where Edward had disappeared. Past tense. _I loved. _Not _I love. _And the sobs broke through again, stronger than before. That sounded so wrong. It was wrong. I didn't know the depth of my pain, but had Edward hurt me so badly I stopped loving him? Could I ever stop? I closed my eyes. I felt as dead as Edward's eyes had looked. Like my heart would never pound again at the sound of Edward's laugh. It wouldn't beat again, as hard as I willed it to.

"I trusted you, and I loved you," I whispered again, and there was nothing else I could say. I had trusted Edward with my life. He'd saved it more than once. He was everything to me. I had jumped off a swing into his arms. He caught me and I laughed in the face of fear, but fear was nothing compared to the pain Edward inflicted. I'd trusted him. He broke my trust. Could someone break love too? If they could, I knew what it felt like.

I felt it there, right then as Edward went farther and farther. I didn't know what to think or do. It was a lie--all of it. He had to love me. I'd heard the sincerity, even if there was pain with it, that night when he came to my room. He'd kissed my head. He'd stroked my hair. He'd love me! I knew how much he thirsted for my blood. He had my wrist in his mouth before. He was sucking my blood. He'd told me over and over that my blood was the best he'd ever tasted. He struggled so much, but he continued to stay with me at night and he continued to love me then. No matter how much he despised himself for being a vampire, he wouldn't put himself through that. His family wouldn't allow him to torture himself unless there was a reason, like loving me, and his old fashioned nature wouldn't allow him to lie so long. I knew he did love me at some point, but he said he didn't. I couldn't help refusing to believe he was a liar, which left me to believe the conclusion that he didn't love me anymore.

And so the pain was there for the rest of my life, never to leave, never to end, never to cease, and never to be eased. There was only one cure for a pain like that. Edward. His arms around me, his protection, his love. But he wasn't coming back. The pain grew worse the farther he got. He didn't hesitate and he didn't turn back. He was gone. Forever.

I didn't even care if he heard me. "I trusted you!" I screamed out once more. All my strength was completely gone then. I was too weak. I couldn't fight the pain. I couldn't breathe it in. I couldn't accept it. I couldn't even wallow in it as hard as I tried to will myself to my feet, will myself to get up and go after him. He'd taken my strength, my heart, my life, my everything. What did I have left without him? There was nothing special about this place without him, nothing special about life. Nothing to live for, nothing to breathe for. What more could he have taken? I had nothing left.

And so I went numb from all feelings, all love, all truth, all common sense that screamed out there were other reasons for Edward to leave. I was gone because Edward had taken my life with him. I was never to go back to the girl I once was, never to go back to the girl I knew he loved. I was gone. Edward had taken me with him, but not in the way I needed.


	7. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

Time passes. Even if it feels like it never will. Even for me. I knew time was going on, but I didn't see how. Without Edward, it didn't make sense. He was what made the clocks move, what moved my heart constantly. My heart had shifted from the place where I'd been so happy because he was gone. Time passed, yes. But I couldn't feel it and I didn't know what to do with it. It was worse than death, because I was alive and I felt dead. My heartbeat was slow and hardly there. That was worse than it not beating at all. I knew what it felt like to be dead--my heart had stopped without explanation before. This was much worse. It hurt so badly I sowre I wouldn't make it through another breath, but it wasn't physical pain. Therefore, it wasn't bad enough to kill me unless the mental, emotional pain strangled me into doing something. It was bad enough to make me wish Edward had killed me.

My promise to never commit suicide could have broken and my pain would be over. But stupid me. I hoped Edward would come back. He never said he wouldn't. As much as he'd hurt me, I still hoped because, as Edward had told me so many times, I was just like a child. I hoped he would come back to me some day. No amount of time could erase what I felt. Time did not heal all wounds. No one could erase or obliterate what Edward had done, how much he'd changed me in what little time we had together. And so the happiest time of my life was destroyed with one word. _No. _Edward was gone and he wasn't coming back. He never hesitated. _He left. _

_What a stupid lamb, _I had said the day I found out Edward was a vampire. Stupid for loving a predator, stupid for trusting him, stupid for letting him leave, stupid for hoping he would come back. Just stupid.

No, not stupid. _In love. _Edward told me how he was the world's most dangerous predator. Everything about his face, his voice, his smell even invited humans in. It wasn't just that for me. It was his character, his heart, his gentle touch, his caring eyes. My feelings were genuine, as genuine as the pain I now felt, and everything that had happened screamed his feelings were mutual. Or they had once been. Could anyone fall out of love so quickly? Had Edward? The way he came to me, the way he promised nothing had changed, it shouted out that he loved me. So why did he go? Did I make him so unhappy?

But it happened so fast. We had been in my room, in my bed, and we were madly in love. He held me close and his eyes even danced when he saw me, even though I'd been crying. He was happy to see me, even in my depression. He wanted to help me. I could read all of that in the memory of what his eyes had looked like. Then he turned around the next day and left. It was wrong. The Edward I knew wouldn't have left me there, even if he was leaving. It was a cold desperate move, I could see that. It was cold outside, about to rain, and he was leaving. He left and the gentlemanly manner I once new was also gone.

There was so many questions and no answers. I couldn't go after him. The pain washed over me. I was in my own nightmare. But I hadn't seen it as a warning, not once. I saw it as a nightmare only because Edward had been there to chase away the monsters the first time. And so now I laid on the wet ground. I could only week, cry, hope, and pray. And when that wasn't enough, there was nothing I could do.

Some time passed. The rain came and went. The sun flickered in the sky for a few seconds, but only a few. Or so it seemed. I couldn't judge time by weather. I was trying to judge it by the speed Edward was moving. I knew he was still running or maybe driving now. Trapped between the feeling that time had stopped and the feeling that time was flying, there was nothing. I could only cry, only think of how Edward was getting further.

I could hear my name being called now, but it didn't matter. I knew it wasn't Edward. I didn't care. Even if I did, I was too weak to reply. I didn't want to be found because I knew whoever found me would take me home. Home was one place I never wanted to go again.

"Timberlee!" The voice was closer. Almost to me. I recognized it, but I couldn't place a name with it in my misery. One more time, and it was at my side. "Baby, what happened?"

It was Dad. He picked me up into his arms. "No!" I whispered, and I found the will to struggle out of his grasp. I fell to the ground, but there was no thought to the pain I felt from falling on my knee. Edward was my thought. My blood. He desired it. I wiped it away quickly--He was still there, even if he was distant. I was waiting for him to come running back to me now. I would always wait.

"Honey, you have to come home," Dad said. Gently, but firm and I could hear the worry.

"No, I have to find him and-and my ring," I managed, despite my weakness. The more I spoke, the more feverish I felt. "He'll come back. I can't leave or he won't be able to find me." A stupid thought! Forks was so small. He would be able to find me without a second of searching. I would never leave this place.

"Who, honey?" Dad's voice sounded so worried. I knew how horrible I must have looked because, normally, he would have been furious. "Who are you talking about?"

"Edward!" I exclaimed. "I have to find my ring."

"What ring?"

So now Charlie was in on it! He was trying to make me think I was crazy. He knew who I was talking about! Edward was the only person I'd ever talked about like that. He knew what ring I was talking about too! It was expensive, beautiful, and he'd watched me unwrap it. He'd watch Edward put it on my finger. The sterling silver, the genuine ruby. I always wore it. He knew what ring I was talking about!

But that made my fear worse. _When enough time passes, it will be as if I never existed. _Had enough time passed? How much time had gone by? I didn't know, but I knew I hadn't imagined Edward. The pictures, the letters, the late nights, the scar on my wrist from James' teeth, then Edward's. Everything, and the pain I now felt told me he was real. He wasn't a figure of my imagination. And if he was, I wouldn't feel the pain I did. Edward was real, and I would be dead before enough time had passed. I could never forget the happiest, safest, most rewarding months of my life.

"What ring?" Dad pressed, and he looked ready to slap me for not answering and not just coming willingly.

"The ring Edward gave me," I whispered, and a violent chill ran down my spine at the sound of his name. It was like his fingers ran along my back, but it wasn't

"Timberlee, come on, baby. Let's get you home," he said, and that time, I wasn't strong enough to fight. I could beg, plead, and fight no more. Charlie pulled me into his arms. His quick pace told me he was more worried than I thought. He carried me and more time passed, even when I didn't believe it and I wasn't even sure if I was imagining things now or not. How could time pass? Edward was gone! There was no reason for time to go on.

"I found her," Dad called after what seemed like hours. I looked up. Half of Forks was in my front yard. Except Edward, except Alice, Jasper, Emmett, Carlisle, Esme, and even Rosalie. Everyone but the people I wanted to see. More tears fell, even though my face was too cold to feel them fall. "Sam, go find the others. I've got you, honey."

"Edward!" I tried to call out, hoping he would emerge from the crowd somehow. He'd be there. He had to be. He couldn't leave. He didn't come, and the word was only a whisper. No one could hear it. I called it anyway.

"Sh, baby, don't try to talk right now," Dad instructed.

"Edward!" I called louder, and Dad set me on my bed. I somehow found the strength to reach for my feather pillow--Edward's pillow. It smelled just like him. My whole room did. I could tell he'd been here. It was too strong to be from his last visit. "Where is he?" I asked, and I was truly happy. He had to be here! Hiding. He was just not in my room yet. He was coming. Dad covered me up and shook his head. That was his answer that Edward wasn't there. I felt more tears coming, anger with them this time. "Where is he? What did you say to him? Why'd you make him go?" I demanded.

Dad looked shocked. "He wasn't here, baby," he said softly.

"Yes, he was! You made him leave."

Dad looked away this time. Another man walked in. "Doctor, I'm glad you're here."

"How long has she been missing?"

"Four days," Dad whispered, watching me glare at him furiously--I was still convinced this was Charlie's fault. Why else would Edward leave? "Will she be all right?"

The doctor I remembered from my childhood, but I didn't care about his name. He wasn't Carlisle, it didn't matter. And it never would. He examined me closely as I clung to Edward's pillow, breathing in the air that smelled just like him. And then the doctor turned to Dad some time later. "I don't know what you were expecting me to find, Chief Stone. No bruises, no cuts, no signs of internal damage. Her temperature is almost a hundred and six. She's delirious from the fever," I heard him tell Charlie quietly. Great! Another one in on it. They were trying to make me crazy. Fever, bull shit! "She's also exhausted. I doubt she's slept since before the search team was sent out."

I could see Dad's face through the haze. He frowned. He was only feet away, but it seemed so much farther. Like Edward had. I closed my eyes, but the tears fell anyway. The doctor sighed--it was much too loud to be Charlie. "The majority of the damage isn't physical, Charlie. Most of it's mental," the doctor concluded in the same quiet tone. The rest, I couldn't make out. I was trying to figure out what was different about my room. I couldn't. My eyes were too heavy. My mind was too tired, and I kept trying to figure out why Edward left. It didn't make sense!

The doctor must have sedated me because I knew I would never fall asleep on my own. I woke up slowly. The sedation made me feel even more dizzy. I knew where I was right away, but it still looked different. I rubbed my eyes until they were as clear as they would ever be. And then it hit me. I saw what was different about my room...

Edward was gone, and he took my memories with him! My poster of us, all my pictures, my letters, the guitar he'd given me, the CDs he'd made me, the clothes he'd bought me, the football helmet Emmett and Jasper had given me as a joke. Everything of Edward was gone...

I grabbed my iPod to see if I still had Edward's music on it. It was gone. It was deleted from iTunes too. It was all gone.

I covered my mouth because the tears couldn't be stop. I wanted the sobs to be silent. I snatched up my phone. Edward's number, all our texts, deleted. I threw it against the wall as hard as I could. I ripped the pillows, blankets, and sheets off my bed. Edward's scent swirled around me in a fury. I ran to my closet. I threw all the clothes on the floor. I took everything out of my dresser. I didn't know how long it would take. I didn't know _how much _it would take. I just kept going. My laptop, my iPod, my books, my lap, CDs, everything I could find, I threw it. And when there was nothing left, I threw myself down on the ground. I felt so dizzy and so weak. I didn't know why I did it. Anger, pain, some mixture of both, or something else? I knew I was searching for one possible thing Edward had left. I found nothing. I just did it. And it only took minutes to destroy my room. But I didn't find one thing of Edward, except his smell.

I rocked back and forth, mostly because I was shaking so hard. My hands on my stomach, I sat on my floor in the wreckage that was left of my room. I heard the cruiser come up the road. The slam of the door somehow broke me even more and I didn't know why--Edward never slammed the door like that. I ran to the bathroom and locked the door as fast as I could.

I barely made it. I threw up. I didn't know how when I hadn't had anything to eat. My sobs grew louder and more intense. I heard Dad's footsteps when he came to the top of the stairs. I knew he saw my room. "Honey?" he called, and knocked on the door.

Only my sobs answered. He knew I was alive at least. If anyone could call it that... Hardly living. Not alive. "Timberlee, what happened, sweetie? You okay?"

"No! Go away," I sobbed, holding my hair back. I couldn't be okay and I wouldn't lie about it. I couldn't. The anxiety, the sorrow was so bad I threw up. The butterflies in my stomach were the same as when I was with Edward, when he made me blush, but the feeling was so different. The ache wasn't good anymore. It kept getting worse, and I knew Edward was still traveling farther. I'd been asleep. I didn't know if he'd hesitated at all or not. That bothered me.

"Honey, open the door. We need to talk."

"What's there to talk about?" I demanded quietly.

Dad was silent as I threw up again. I heard his feet shuffle impatiently outside the locked door. Awkwardly too. "Timberlee, are you pregnant?" he asked. It sounded forced, almost like how Edward had sounded, and I couldn't answer. My sob became silent. "Did you sleep with him? Did he... rape you?"

"No!" I yelled, furious. He never hurt me, but I couldn't say that because the pain inside was worse than when I had been raped. But Dad didn't know that I'd been raped before. Edward knew. He would never do that to anyone.

"Did you sleep with him then? Did he leave you because you're pregnant?"

"I'm not pregnant!" I screamed. "I never slept with him."

"Open the door, honey."

I unlocked the door and Dad opened it. I was curled up on the floor, shaking. My stomach had settled enough to where I could lean against the wall instead of hovering over the toilet. I didn't have strength to sob anymore, so I leaned my head back, the tears still spilled over. I shook fiercely, even though the sobs had stopped finally. Dad didn't come in the bathroom. He stood in the door. "What happened?" he repeated quietly.

"Nothing. He just left," I whispered, trying to remain calm. I couldn't panic. There was an explanation. Somewhere. I just had to find it!

"I meant to your room," Dad said, showing the first signs of anger. "There's a hole in the wall."

"I don't care. It's just a wall."

"How is that going to help you? Destroying your room and acting like this? Do you really think this is the best way to handle it?

I stood up as fast as I could. I couldn't take Dad's lecture. Yes, Mom left him, but not like this. And their marriage wasn't going to last anyway. It wasn't built to last. Not like me and Edward. We had to be together. He still loved me. He had to. And I had to get away from everything. "I have to get out of here," I said. I didn't pause for more than a second. I grabbed my keys and started downstairs.

"Timberlee, you can't drive right now."

"Just leave me alone!"

Dad started after me. "Stop right there," he said firmly when I reached the door. But he was still on the stairs. I could make it if I ran for it and managed not to trip, which would be a miracle for me. "You're in hysterics. You're still waking up from sedation. You can't drive. It's not safe."

"I don't care!" I exclaimed. As I started down the front stairs, I heard Dad run after me. "Timberlee, wait a minute. Think about this," he said, trying to catch up to me. I wouldn't let him get to me. I had to go and no amount of hysteria or sedation could stop me. I broke into a sprint to get to my Acura. I locked the doors so he couldn't stop me. I turned the car in the ignition and sped down the road as fast as I could, kicking mud up behind me. I heard Charlie call my name. I couldn't go back though. I had to get away from all of it. Away from the memories, away from Edward's arms--strangling me now because they weren't there to hold me--away from suggestions that Edward had hurt me or done anything he wouldn't approve of. I saw Edward as a monster, but the suggestion from anyone else, and I couldn't stand it.

I never planned a destination when I left, but I definitely didn't expect to stop where I did--Edward's house. It was dark. The fact that it was there was another sign that I hadn't imagined Edward. He was real. His family was real. Our relationship was real. It was all real. As real as the pain I felt.

Unable to stop myself, I walked to the front door slowly, shakily, leaving my car running. I didn't know what I thought I would find inside besides pain and unimaginable truths that shouted Edward was really gone. I just wanted to feel something again. I wanted to feel that rush, to feel my heart pound. The front door was unlocked, so I walked inside. I wanted to run up to Edward's room and see him there. I wanted to ask him to dance, as much as I'd once hated dancing. The house smelled like the whole Cullen family, but the furniture was gone. All of it. The antique table Esme had loved so much, the couch Emmett always sat on, the stools at the open bar, even Edward's piano. They were like ghosts too, like the Cullens. Only these ghosts, there was no proof they ever existed. It hardly looked like the house I once knew anymore. It wasn't the house I knew--Edward was gone.

I trudged up the stairs. The violent shaking had returned and I wasn't to Edward's room yet. Part of me hoped to find him there. Like all the rest, his room was empty. The bookshelf where he previously kept his CDs was the only thing there. It wasn't full though. The carpet was as thick as I remembered. The window was opened. I walked to it, unable to stop myself. I closed my eyes, tears coming again. I was so scared to live without Edward. I wanted to jump out of this window so badly in the hope that Edward would catch me. He was gone. He wasn't waiting to catch me when I fell this time.

I ran out of the room, down the hall, down the stairs, and to the front door to get away from thos terrifying thoughts. I jumped into my car, still running--both of us. I floored the gas pedal. I needed to get away. I had to! I didn't care where I went or how I got there as long as I got away. I had to go now. Away from the memories, away from the pain, away. Fast and now.

Tears blurring my vision, I sped down the winding driveway as fast as I wanted to go. Ninety. But it wasn't fast enough. I couldn't move fast enough to get away from the thoughts of Edward. I couldn't run fast enough to catch him, and I couldn't drive fast enough to get away either. So I was trapped with only memories, and those weren't enough for me. I had to find a way out or a way to feel alive again.

I was speeding down the road finally. Edward loved speed. It made me feel closer to him, less like I would never find him or see him again. I could still see Edward's house, and I pushed my car harder. The groan of protest didn't stop me. I pushed it harder because it was a tiny sign that I was getting farther away from Edward's memories and closer to him, wherever he'd gone. The sickness was gone. Only memories were left. Along with my strength, my love, my everything, Edward took all of that, everything I loved, everything I'd once clung to. He took everything that mattered and left me with nothing. Couldn't he see that it would never be like he never existed? I would never recover. And I would never love again.

Not even driving over a hundred miles an hour was enough to make my heart pound again. Sobbing didn't relieve any of the pain. I didn't slow down as I turned the corner to go somewhere else. I refused to slow down. I needed to feel something again, something other than pain. Anything else. Fear, anger, anything. But not pain.

"Shit!" I yelled out. More out of frustration and the pain. I was trying to tell this new _object _inside me to leave. This object called pain. It wouldn't go, as hard as I pushed. No speed to could make me leave it behind. I was yelling at something that was there forever. It would never leave me. So I cursed again, at myself this time, pushing my car harder. I closed my eyes and when I opened them, I had to swerve to miss the car to prevent a head on collision. But wasn't that what I wanted--death? Yes. Death or Edward.


	8. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

I heard the beeping of the heart monitor. I still couldn't feel my heartbeat. Dead without Edward. That was how it would always be. I opened my eyes. They were cloudy and heavy. I saw the lights flash. I felt the same damn pain inside, but there was some on the outside too. My leg, my head, my back, my ribs, both arms, it all hurt. For a moment, I thought it was April again, right after we confronted James, but the thunder outside told me I was in Forks.

My vision slowly cleared, but it was never completely clear. It wasn't tears this time. Tubes in my arm, the heart monitor, blood and fluids being pumped into me. I tried to clear my throat, but it didn't work. I closed my eyes, trying to make out the different voices until I recognized one. Just one. It was Dad's. I wished it was Edward's. The old Edward would have been by my side, icing the shattered body with his cold skin to ease the pain. Edward wasn't there. He was gone. That hit me, as hard as it had the first time.

"How fast was she going?" Dad asked.

"At least a hundred miles an hour," another voice answered.

Dad sighed. A pause. "Was it... intentional?" Dad said, and I could tell his jaw was clenched. He didn't want to ask the question. I didn't want the answer to come because I had no idea what the voice would say.

"It's hard to tell for sure, but the witnesses said she only swerved to miss their car, Chief Stone. She's very lucky, even if she's hurt badly. She could have lost her life."

"How bad is she?" I realize this was Dad's first time hearing. He'd just learned of my accident--or was it an accident?

A pause, then the doctor--I assumed--cleared his throat. "Her leg is shattered in four places. Her hand, three ribs, and her arm, but they were all clean breaks. That's best. They'll heal quickly. She got a pretty bad concussion, but there's no bleeding and no fracture of the skull. She's got whiplash and hurt her back pretty badly. I imagine her back will be hard to live with for months, but at least it's not broken. Cuts, bruises are the most of it. Her face was so bloody that we didn't know who she was at first. She was conscious through the whole accident, and even when the ambulance arrived. She kept saying something. We couldn't understand it. Her face will be fine. No scars. And all the injuries will heal. At least physically. She's lucky she didn't lose her life. She's lucky she'll ever walk, much less walk in weeks."

"What was she saying? Any ideas?" Dad pressed.

"Several things. 'I need you' was one, but it was in French..." The doctor sounded strange. Confused. "And 'he's gone' most of all. She said something like... 'na vie' too..."

"Ma vie," Dad corrected softly. He glanced at me. He ran over when he saw I was awake again. I started crying. Edward used to call me that. _Ma Vie, my life_ in French. He couldn't call me that and not love me. "Sh, honey, it's all right," Dad told me quickly. "I'm just glad you're safe."

"No, it's not that," I sobbed. "It's Edward," I whispered, stronger than ever before. I was sure it was him!

"Edward's been gone for over a week," Dad told me. He looked at the doctor in concern.

"No! No. I was on my way back. He's the reason I'm alive now," I corrected. "He saved me again." It had to be Edward! Luck was against me. None of the evidence made sense. Edward stopping the car was the only explanation that made sense to me. It couldn't to Dad or the doctors, but they didn't know about Edward being a vampire. I knew, and I knew it had to be Edward. I closed my eyes as the memory slowly came back. I'd been speeding. As fast as I could. The car came over a turn, and I jerked my steering wheel to avoid it. I heard my name, like an angel calling me. No, better than angel. Only one person had that kind of voice. Edward. He'd called me "Ma Vie" again. I'd heard him call out "Don't do this" every time I almost faded from consciousness as the ambulance sirens approached me. He kept me alive, kept me awake. He'd stopped my car, and he'd held my hand through this. I remembered that! Edward wasn't gone.

"Who's Edward?" the doctor asked, walking over. I knew he thought there must have been another Edward.

"My boyfriend," I snapped.

"Ex boyfriend," Dad corrected. "He dumped her."

"Boyfriend," I retorted furiously. Even though, technically, he did dump me, he never said it. Until he did--and he wouldn't because I remembered how he'd left me--he was my boyfriend. He'd been by my side after I'd hit the tree or whatever I'd hit. But he wasn't in the hospital. He was still gone. He'd left again.

"Who else was hurt?" I asked.

"No one," the doctor answered.

"Timberlee, what the hell were you thinking--driving that fast?" Dad inquired.

I shook my head in confusion. Fake confusion. "I don't remember what you're taking about," I lied. "How fast was I going?"

"The amnesia is probably due to the concussion. It's only temporary," the doctor told me with a smile. "Chief, can I talk to you privately?" I watched them go, wishing Edward would run in as soon as they left. He didn't. They left only through the door. I could see Dad through the window and the blinds. "Have you considered counseling?" the doctor asked. "If she debates whether or not Edward Cullen is her boyfriend or ex boyfriend when the whole town knows the story, you should look into it. She's in a deep depression for sure. At least."

I saw Dad raise his eyebrows. He took several deep breaths. "No. No," he said firmly. Wow! I'd expected to be shipped off to a funny farm immediately. "She's been sedated for two days. She just woke up. I know she's done some crazy things and maybe she is depressed, but she hasn't even had a small amount of time to heal over the wounds yet. Physically and mentally. No. I'm not sending her away to be a guinea pig and to be treated like she's crazy."

"I'm not talking about a psychiatric hospital, Charlie." More gentle. First name basis. "I'm talking about counseling, someone to listen to how she feels."

Charlie shook his head again. He gave me a look as if to say "You'd better not make me regret this." "No. The last time I sent her to counseling, she got worse. She has her own ways of coping with things and talking to someone doesn't usually help. If I see signs she'll do anything, I'll look into it. I know my girl enough to know that she's too damn stubborn." I allowed myself a small smile. "She wouldn't let her depression have the satisfaction of winning."

The doctor nodded once and he left. Dad returned to my room. I started to fight the tears. He stood up for me. He hoped that I would move on. Charlie touched my cheek and that only made it harder--Edward used to do that. I held back the sobs this time, but only just.

"Timberlee, crying isn't a bad thing. Just let it out," Dad told me gently. "You'll feel better."

I shook my head, almost amused. Feeling better with Edward gone was just a joke to me. It was impossible. "No. I won't ever feel better. Not until Edward comes back," I whispered. He had to come back! "I can't feel better without him."

"When your mom left, I had to erase everything about you kids and her. Lock up your toys, close your bedroom doors, completely erase the memories. Once a few years had passed, the toys came out again. I didn't like it, but I handled it."

"That's different. Mom had a reason. It was horrible, but at least she told you the reason. Edward and I were laughing, enjoying life one day, in love the same day, and he'd kiss me in the most sincere way--to a point where my heart screamed it was true. He did love me. And then, the next day, he didn't love me anymore. He didn't give me any reason why he was leaving. He just didn't care anymore. And it wasn't just that he left, Dad. _He disappeared. _Completely, from all existence. His family too! I want to remember because he made me happy, but remembering makes it hurt more."

"There are other ways to find happiness."

I shook my head, too sad to find the strength to cry this time. "No. Not without Edward. Not for me." I sighed deeply and wiped away the tears. No wonder Dad thought I was pregnant! All these emotions were crazy. I clamped my hand over my stomach to settle the butterflies and Dad raised his eyebrows. "I'm not pregnant," I whispered, somehow wishing I was. At least then I would have something left of Edward.

Dad nodded, standing. He took a few steps back, like he expected me to explode. "I know. I asked the doctor," he admitted quietly. He folded his arms. "I have to ask this, honey. You can get mad at me if you want, but were you trying to kill yourself?"

I shook my head, but I wasn't so sure that was true. I didn't know what my intentions were. "No. I was trying to feel something. Just trying to get my heart to beat fast again, like it used to whenever I saw him. He was so beautiful and he used to smile because I did," I whispered. I blushed--why was I telling this to Charlie of all people? I wiped the tears quickly. "I was trying to be excited to be alive again," I said, brushing my forehead with my good arm. If you could call it that. It was covered in bruises and I counted seventeen stitches. "Do you think I'm crazy for still loving him? For being like this?"

"No. Not crazy. Just in love." Dad watched the tears spill over again, flowing freely. He left without another word, just a small smile. I was alone again. The heart monitor's beep was steady. Too steady. It sounded slow. I knew Edward had saved me somehow. He made my reflexes faster somehow or he stopped the car.

The image of him in my head told me that I needed to stay alive. For him. Just in case he did love me again. That would have given me the will to slow down or whatever happened before I hit the tree. I closed my eyes to look back on those seconds. It was all so fast, and I was still disorientated from the concussion and pain medication. I was speeding, but I felt nothing. I remembered that. I came around a corner and I was going straight towards a car. I swerved off the road and into a tree. I knew all of what happened, but I wanted to know what I had been thinking. Suicide was an option minutes before and I ran to get away. Edward's face flashed in my mind before. The night he saved me in Port Angeles. On our ride home. We were laughing together, and I swore he almost wrecked the car I just totaled. He denied the near-accident, we argued about it for a while. He almost wrecked my car because he was laughing with me. He was happy then. He was happy before with me. And he wasn't happy when he left. So why did he? Why did he claim that he wasn't happy with me?

It hurt so bad to breathe and more tears came, but my heart in my chest pounded twice as I ran his laugh through my head, remembering exactly how it sounded that night in Port Angeles, remembering how happy he'd been. A gust of air breathed out, he always wrinkled his nose when he laughed. Two heart beats was enough to tell me I was awake, that I was still alive. That was all I needed to know.

I knew my sleep would be disturbed by nightmares, his once pleasant face haunting them. But then more I slept, the stronger I would be, the stronger I would become, the longer I would be able to fight. Not fight the pain. Fight to get Edward back. I would do anything.

So I slept. The depth of my slumber was probably more due to my pain medication, not my exhaustion. At first, it was peaceful. Edward was holding me close, happy as I'd remembered. Smiling at something I'd said. He was truly amused by whatever it was. We were in my room. He was humming my lullaby then. I was smiling at the sound of his beautiful voice. Then he kept telling me "no." I woke up, drenched in sweat and crying. But the peaceful part of my dream kept me asleep for five hours, and that was enough. Dad was asleep in the chair next to me, snoring softly. My cry as I awoke didn't bother him. I was glad.

I leaned back into my pillows. Dad's comfortable position told me it was at least a day before I would be released from the hospital. I had hours until he woke up though, and my broken leg prevented me from getting up to find a good magazine in the waiting room, or even looking for one. I smiled a bit as a nurse walked in. I'd never met her before, but her young age suggested she was new. "You want anything?" she asked.

"No. Couldn't keep anything down," I muttered more to myself, clutching my stomach.

"Word around here's that you went through a rough break up."

The tears probably confirmed it, but I shook my head anyway. Then I shrugged. "Not rough," I told her. "That's not the best word to describe it. But if you don't mind, I'd rather not talk about it," I whispered weakly.

"Of course! You should get some more sleep. Your dad's been really worried. He only fell asleep a few minutes ago."

"I'll try to." But it was no use. The pain overwhelmed me again. I couldn't understand why I kept crying when it didn't help at all. I knew it didn't. I couldn't stop because Edward wasn't there to wipe away the tears. The rain pounding against the hospital windows didn't help. The liquid only made me want to cry more. So I cried until morning, ignoring the doctors' and nurses' offers to get me something if I needed it. All I needed was Edward, and they couldn't drag him back, even if the entire staff tried and he only used half his strength.

Dad woke up around nine and a tray of untouched food was on my lap. I was half asleep from exhaustion, a result of crying so long. Dad kissed my forehead. "Eat. Even if you throw it up again, at least you'll get some nutrition from it," he said, stretching. "I'm gonna run home to get a shower. You want anything?"

I nodded. "If you can find it in my room, will you bring me _Jane Eyre?"_

"Sure, honey."

I ate the toast only because throwing up hospital cafeteria scrambled eggs sounded particularly unpleasant. So I nibbled on the toast, waiting for my stomach ache to return. The butterflies did come back, but it wasn't bad enough to make me vomit this time. I fell asleep after I was given more pain medication. This time, there was no nightmare. No dream of Edward, but I knew that was because I was drugged. Part of me wanted to see his face again, even if he didn't speak. I just wanted to see him, hallucination or not. I wanted to see his eyes change and see what made the monster inside my head happy.

_Jane Eyre _was on the side of my bed when I woke up. But there was more. Dad knew how fast I read, so he saved himself a trip home and brought four other books. I noticed they were brand new! So he'd stopped by a bookstore of some kind on his way here. I allowed myself a tiny smile as I lifted the books to read the titles.

_The Glimpses of the Moon_, by Edith Wharton. _Every Breath You Take_, by Judith McNaught._ Lost Boy, Lost Girl_, by Peter Straub, and _Just Breathe_, by Susan Wiggs. I had heard of each author and each book, but I never read them. The choices of books didn't entirely make sense to me. Three of the four were romances, and there was probably some romance in the fourth. Charlie used to complain about how I got caught up in the romantic books I read, or any book for that matter. But maybe he thought romance novels were a good way to help me feel something. Or maybe he just assumed that I wanted romance since I'd asked for _Jane Eyre_.

Hospitals always made me miserable. Everyone in the staff there knew what had happened between myself and Edward. And I wouldn't be able to escape them either. Forks was too small to avoid being recognized as Timberlee Stone. Daughter of police chief and the foolish girl who wrapped a $50,000 car around a tree in the need for the rush after a boyfriend dumped me. I heard whispers and they were about me, I knew. Suicide, that's what they said my plan had been. _A thought_, not a plan, and not an attempt. But as I thought about it, I realized driving a hundred miles an hour on a winding road was suicide alone. I was somehow asking to be killed, even if it hadn't occurred to me at that moment.

Charlie entered sometime later. I didn't know exactly how long it had been though. I only knew I was already on page twenty-four of _Jane Eyre. _I wasn't reading the entire time though. I got side tracked at the smallest detail in the book. Siblings, relatives, feelings. Anything like that got me off thinking about Edward again. No tears. I was remembering the Real Edward. The one I loved. Charlie didn't smile at me, but he didn't look so worried. "Fixed that hole in your wall," he announced quietly. "Straightened our your room enough so you can sleep when you get to leave."

"Thanks. Sorry about the wall."

"It's fine. You just have a white spot on a dark wall."

"You don't have to stay here," I told him.

"I know. But you've only got two or three more days here at most. Including today," he added quickly when I looked up furiously from my book--there was no way any number of doctors or casts could keep me chained in a hospital for that long. My childhood trips to the hospital had scarred me for life. Broken bones, torn cartilage in my knee, getting my tonsils removed, all the times I needed stitches or a cut cleaned or anything else. By the age of four, I disliked hospitals. When I turned eleven, I really didn't like them. Now that I was almost seventeen--ugh!--I loathed them.

It was June 2nd, two days before my birthday. I'd given it no thought whatsoever, except wondering what kind of party Alice would have planned. Months before June, I'd promised to let her do whatever she wanted, even if I was reluctant. Now she was gone. Turning seventeen sounded horrible, worse than it had when the Cullens were here and Alice was planning an insanely big party in a town with just over three thousand people and tons of presents. Now I wasn't counting down the years until the end of my life. I was counting down the years until I wouldn't have time to bring Edward back to me. So close to my birthday. Another year older, another year I didn't have. I sighed. "Mom and Michael should come up for my birthday," I said suddenly. Anything to distract me from thoughts of Edward for a few seconds. A few seconds without pain made it easier to get through the next time. I needed only a second or two, a breath alone where I could remember him the way he was. That always helped, as little as the change was. It made it a fraction easier. That was enough for now.

Dad nodded. "They're flying up tomorrow actually. Must've slipped my mind somehow. I meant to tell you."

Of course it slipped his mind! I'd gone missing, then I'd come close to kiling myself, and now I was in the hospital, piling up a huge bill that Charlie would have to pay somehow with his lousy salary. Dad was probably out of his mind with worry, and Mom probably cried more than I did and slept less. So much had happened. All of it disastrous. It was only the second week into summer break. I closed my eyes again. It seemed like disasters always came closer together, as if life was trying to break those who lived it. The pain Edward had inflicted hadn't faded yet or lessened at all, even though there had been a few moments when I was able to ignore it before it swamped me again, strangled me. I felt it as strongly as I did the day he left. But he set another mystery in front of me to understand, to somehow comprehend in all my misery.

_How did I survive? _No broken neck or back. No internal damage. I could walk, even if I'd broken my leg. There was no permanent damage, and that was the dilemma. I should have died and some kind of force, whether worldly or a supernatural kind, saved me. It was fast enough to be invisible. It was hard enough to destroy my car as a tree would. It was strong enough to slow me down. It had to be Edward. I'd seen it before. It was the first Friday I'd spent in Forks. He saved me then, and in the same way, he saved me now. It could have been something like rescuing me from hitting the tree so hard by pulling my back pumper until I slowed. He could have stood in front of the tree to stop me. Or it could have been something so small as giving me the will and the reflexes to slow down. The ability to slow down before I hit the tree. I would never know until I could ask him. And that was the one thing I couldn't do. So I mulled it over until I fell asleep again, remembering how he used to sound whenever he spoke my name and remembering how he told me that I was the only thing that mattered to him. I was priceless then, and now... Worthless to him... How could I recover from that?


	9. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

Mom and Michael arrived the next day. I was released from the hospital on the morning of my birthday. Dad helped me into the cruiser. Pain medication and sleeping pills in hand, I knew I would end up abusing both in my depression. The ride home was silent. It was raining in Forks. Before, rain and clouds were associated with Edward coming to see me. Now, it just reminded me he was gone. The rain against the window made me want to cry. No. Not today. Something good would happen today. I swore that to myself. I would manage a single smile that was sincere and not forced. Something to make an effort into healing. I couldn't live like this anymore.

My room was still a disaster. Clothes thrown into my closet. Books stacked in the corners and stuffed onto my bookshelf. My laptop and iPod were broken beyond repair and my phone was in pretty bad shape also, not destroyed though. My bed was made and I laid down. No amount of time could erase Edward's scent from my bed and room. I closed my eyes to stop the tears from spilling over. I didn't want to cry on this birthday, for any reason. Usually, I cried because I was a year older. Now, it was much worse. I was getting closer to death, yes, but worse than that, I had one less year until my death, one less day before my chance was up to see Edward again. I wanted to feel alive again. I wanted to feel like I once had whenever I saw him. I didn't even have to be with him then. Just knowing that he loved me, that had been enough. Not now. I felt dead still.

I sniffed in my misery. Michael walked in and I smiled because he always had this amazing attitude about life. He didn't suffer from depression and he was happy about everything. He could help me, I knew that. He grinned, pleased by my effort. "Jake and Billy are coming," he told me, sitting next to me. He knew I didn't want to talk about Edward and he was good friends with Jacob Black through our childhood, so why not? Talking didn't help me. It sort of made me more miserable, so I kept the thoughts inside and just nodded. "Dad ordered Chinese too. Mom went to get a cake. Might as well enjoy your birthday a little." He smiled at me, and I could tell he was up to something. Some stupid surprise and a huge present I didn't want. Great! I was being forced to celebrate when I wanted to dig my own grave and jump into it. I didn't want to celebrate anything. "Brought you a present," Michael announced, seeing my glare. It only widened his grin, which terrified me. I hated presents.

"Michael, I don't want presents, and I'm not celebrating anything," I mumbled into my pillow. I stuffed my face into it before the tears came. It helped stop them! I hadn't expected that, but I was glad.

"You'll celebrate this," Michael announced, showing me a small, rectangular present that was about an inch tall. He smiled smugly, waiting for me to get excited.

I only glared at him. What was there to celebrate? Ever. I'd been dreading my birthday for months, but I'd always expected to spend the entire day with Edward. From six in the morning to midnight, waking up to his face there, and falling asleep in his arms, like I said. That would never happen now. I sighed and snatched the present away from Michael--anything to make him stop grinning like that. He was proud of himself, whatever the present was. The grin told me that I would most likely hate the gift and it would put me in a horrible mood for the rest of the day. I began to unwrap it slowly by carefully pulling off the tape. As slowly as possible, not wanting to rip the hideous paper. I just wanted to put off seeing what it was though. Presents. Celebrating. Two things that could destroy my attempts to be happy and pretend for my family. Now Jake and Billy would be forced to watch my misery also. Great!

I froze when I saw the corner of the present. Brown. A picture frame. I was completely still for minutes. Michael was waiting for another reaction, taping his foot impatiently. I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe. This had to be a joke! Some kind of idiotic joke. I blinked a ton to make sure I wasn't seeing things. No. I recognized it. I could never forget it. I took a deep breath and then my hands flew. I shredded the paper, trying to get it off as fast as possible. It took longer than it would have if I just opened it the way I'd planned to. I tossed the paper aside furiously, onto the floor instead of the nearby trashcan. I didn't give a rat's ass about trash on the floor. I was shocked! In shock still. Celebrating, you could call it that.

The present was a picture of Edward and myself. We'd taken them before our party after we just started dating. Edward surprised me with a picture frame and that picture. He was holding me in it. Our torsos were together, his head was just below mine with his hair sticking up as I pressed my check to his forehead. Edward had given me this and I'd left it in LA during spring break... I still had a picture of Edward! Some small, physical evidence that he existed. I hugged the picture to my chest with all strength I had. I wanted to burst into sobs. Instead, I was smiling. Genuinely. And the tears did come. Happiness though. Edward was more beautiful than I remembered. His eyes were more brown than I recalled. His skin was paler next to mine, and his hair was messier.

"He's already fading," I admitted once my happiness began to fade--it was bound to happen. Just a picture. Not his presence. But the picture was something. I shook my head, not sure how to describe what I was feeling. "I can't remember how gentle his voice used to be," I whispered, the tears flowing steadily now. How could I forget something so precious to me? I couldn't forget. I wouldn't. I didn't care what I had to do to remember. I would not forget.

Michael let me cry for a few minutes. He shrugged then. Casually and it made me remember the damned party. All I wanted to do was spend the entire night staring at that picture, maybe even talking to it with the hope that Edward would hear me. Michael brought me back to the moment finally. I was glad that he did it before I was lost in a pit of depression with no way out. I had to get myself together! "You'll remember," my brother promised me with a smile. "That's all you have to do, Tim. He'll come back. I bet you every bit of your bank account that he'll come running back to you some day."

I shook my head doubtfully, wishing I could believe the words he'd spoken. "You didn't hear what he said to me," I mumbled. "You didn't see how he looked at me before he left." Conflicting emotions in his eyes, but I began to think I saw some form of hatred there. Edward didn't love me anymore.

Michael tapped the picture of Edward and me and my eyes automatically returned to Edward's breath-taking face. I felt a gap inside me. It widened and I forced myself to look away from the picture, tucking it under my pillow. Edward's pillow. "He couldn't look at you like he did without loving you, Tim," Michael said. "Sure, I don't really like the guy after... But I know. The hardest part will be to stay away from you. He's probably already realized what he's done to you. He'll come back."

I nodded this time. Then he would stop talking about Edward. I was silent though. More tears fell, but not as many. Not uncontrollable this time. I heard Jacob's voice downstairs and sighed deeply. I pulled out the picture again once my tears had stopped. Edward's face was... Well, it was like the first time I'd set eyes on him. I was amazed and part of me believed it was just a hallucination. It was too beautiful to be real. Like the months I'd dated him. They were like a fairytale. I'd lived in a fairytale, vampires and all. Now the fairytale was over and I was forced to face reality--Edward was gone.

Michael smiled and jumped to his feet quickly. It pulled my attention from Edward's face. "Take a few minutes. I'll distract everybody, say you're putting on your makeup," he announced, grinning.

I glared at him. "And who on the entire planet would believe I'd put on makeup right now?" I muttered as he turned to leave.

Michael shrugged. "Maybe I meant the makeup where you pretend to be okay?" he suggested, and he was gone.

I sighed deeply. I appreciated my baby brother. He was the older sibling then. He took care of me. For him, I would find happiness again. I wouldn't let him go through what I did growing up. I wouldn't force him to care for me the way I took care of Mom in her emotional state after leaving Dad. I could take care of myself. I would win this fight. I would bring Edward back, whatever I had to do.

I cried for ten more minutes, staring at Edward's gorgeous face, after Michael left. Then I went to the bathroom and washed my face. I brushed my hair and my teeth quickly. Dressed in a clean pair of sweats, I hobbled downstairs to the kitchen. Jake hugged me. He didn't comment on how horrible I looked, but I swore he was about to when Mom ran in with my cake. "Honey, sit down!" Mom instructed, sounding impatient with my attempts to help her through the door. But instead of sitting at the kitchen table, which was covered in presents--ugh!--I went to the living room to watch TV with Jake, Michael, and Billy.

It was the first week of June. No football or basketball was on. So they'd turned on 3:10 to Yuma with Christian Bale. I watched it from the recliner, my eyes blurry as I tried to focus on the film instead of my longing to go upstairs and retrieve my picture from under Edward's pillow again. It was like I was a heroin addict. Edward was my heroin. He'd once said that about me. He'd claimed I was his own personal brand of heroin. Not anymore, I guess. He was mine now. I took a deep breath, listening to Mom and Dad argue in the kitchen about when to open presents. Mom was demanding to open them now to put me in a good mood before we actually started talking. I loved Charlie so much then! He was insisting that opening presents should be the last thing to do in case I had a mental breakdown, which was likely because I was already wondering what Edward would have gotten me for my birthday.

"So how's it going on the reservation?" I asked Jacob when I could no longer stand the silence. It just left too much room for my thoughts to drift to Edward.

"Good. It's boring though," Jake answered with a shrug. "You should come by sometime."

I nodded quickly. Anything to distract me. "Sure! I'll definitely do that once I can drive again..." I let my voice fade, wondering when that would be. Weeks, months. Ugh... I shouldn't have said that! Now I was stuck thinking about what I would do until I could drive... Maybe Charlie would drive me. It was way out of his way if he was going to work, but he loved Jake and he would probably like that better than me sulking all day in my room. Or wherever else I found to escape from my ghost haunting me--that's all Edward was. A ghost now. And I loved him just the same.

"Baby, here, open this," Mom called, tossing me a large bag. She must have noticed I looked bored or depressed or whatever I was showing my face--I had no clue. There was too much that mattered more to think about. Mom loved to give me presents. I hated accepting them, especially in a time like that, but anything for her. She got me a Fossil purse and a nice wallet to go with it. Leather that smelled wonderful and didn't look cheap. Both would have cost a ton, but Mom was a genius when it came to bargain shopping. "Look inside the wallet," Mom pushed with an excited tone that made my stomach lurch. It reminded me of how Alice would have sounded. I knew she would have showered me with stupid presents, clothes, stilettos, everything she could think up.

I took a deep breath to push Alice out of my mind as well. I hated doing that. She was my best friend in the whole world. She'd helped me shower even after my run in with James. She saved me a lot of trouble and embarrassment that would have resulted in asking Charlie to help me take a shower. She'd always been there to cheer me up, whatever happened. No matter what. Not this time. Like Edward, she had disappeared. She hadn't even said goodbye. Part of my wished that she had, but I wondered what her reason would have been. Did she stop caring about me too? No, I was glad she didn't say goodbye because I was terrified her farewell would have been as bad as Edward's was. I wondered what I would have done if Edward hadn't said goodbye. Anything would have been better than believing he didn't love me anymore, and I would have been just as confused. Maybe even less because I would have heard him say he would always love me, I would have heard him begging me to always believe that before he left. No harsh truth or lies or whatever it was when he said he didn't love me anymore.

I sighed and opened the wallet slowly, realizing everyone was staring at me now in concern. Two hundred dollars. I smiled awkwardly. That was all I could do to thank Mom because I was on the edge of tears again. She meant for me to go shopping with it, but there was no point. Alice wasn't there to nag at me for wearing sweats all the time. Edward wasn't there to make me want to look good. Whenever I was depressed, I took as little time on myself as possible. So I decided to spend the money on gas for my truck. The '83 Chevy didn't get very good mileage compared to my Acura. But that was what I would have to drive after my casts came off. I found myself wondering what had happened to my gorgeous, deep burgundy Acura RL. I wouldn't have cared usually, but it smelled like Edward and lots of memories were made in that car. Plus, and most of all, I wanted to see if the damage to the front was consistent with my assumption that Edward saved me. I wanted to see if the dent matched his frame, not a tree. I had his shoulders, his frame, his abs, his face memorized. But it was fading now. I couldn't remember how huge he'd looked next to me, how tall, how muscular. It was all fading. And he'd only just left. Not a month had passed. How could I go on when it hurt so badly?

Michael saw me battling back tears before anyone else and switched off the TV, which caused a small outburst from Jake. Then he followed Michael's eyes to me and cringed. His mind was working as fast as Michael's to find something else to do, something that took thinking, something to distract me. Michael jumped up. "Let's go play a game or something," he suggested with a grin. Too enthusiastic. It made me want to turn the TV back on and cry in front of everyone, which made me feel bad for thinking of that instead of thanking him for his effort.

I glanced down at my broken leg. "Yeah, hide and seek," I mumbled sarcastically. "I'll be the one clunking down the first two stairs, then falling down the rest."

Jake's grin was so... huge that it made me half smile. "What about a card game or a board game?" he said.

I shrugged with a small sigh. I'd gotten through about one minute without thinking about Edward. Board games. Card games. Rosalie and Emmett had been playing a card game once when I went over there. Edward and I played Go Fish and we never finished the game. I'd gotten mad at him for cheating and trying to steal cards, then we were laughing so hard that neither of us could continue. He'd carried me upstairs to his room to study for finals, which was the excuse that we'd used so Charlie would allow the visit. I was weightless in his arms. Nothing mattered but his love. And now it was gone. He was gone. Board games. Chess. The time he had Alice look into the future to see my next move, read her mind, and cheated. There were too many things to remind me of Edward here. Too many small things that brought back important memories. But I forced a nod. "Sure. The new table's perfect," I whispered, staring at the spot on the couch where Edward had sat, me in his lap, his arms around me in protection. That was a time when I felt so safe. I could see him there, his outline, but not his smile, and not the happiness in his eyes. He was angry and cold, like he was when he left me.

The Edward I love no longer lived. He was only inside me, waiting to come out or waiting to be forgotten. Neither would happen, so he was haunting me.

I limped off to the dining room with Billy rolling his wheel chair right behind me. I was a little embarrassed to see that he could roll faster than I could walk. Which meant he was waiting on me to hurry up. Dad and Michael dug through the attic to find all the board games they could. Downstairs, me, Mom, Billy, and Jacob played Egyptian Rat screw with an old deck of cards. Four cards were missing, but it didn't matter to me. It was one game I'd never played with Edward. It wasn't Twenty Questions or Go Fish. It wasn't poker, which I'd played with Emmett a few times, Edward using his unreal and amazing mind to tell me the odds of me winning against Emmett. I had to force those memories out of my mind too, even though I wondered what Emmett would have done if he'd come to say goodbye. Trip me instead of just laughing when I did trip? Not like that would have done much more damage.

Dad and Michael returned with Monopoly, chess, Sorry, Clue, checkers, and Scrabble, plus a few puzzles. I immediately refused to play chess and tossed it out of sight so it wouldn't bring up any memories. The other games were fine though. I'd never played them with any of the Cullens. Mom got up to get drinks, which left the seat next to me empty. And it made me think about how we would be seated if the Cullens were with us. I imagined Edward would be behind me or next to me, his hand in mine. Alice would be messing with decorations or presents while Mom or Esme took pictures. Emmett would be teasing me about my latest accident. I knew them all so well, but I'd never thought they would leave me like this. Not once. None of this was like the people I knew. But how well do you really know anyone?

Dad and Billy had beer, Mom had wine, and it made me wonder if alcohol would help me numb the pain. The fact that I was to the point to consider numbing myself hurt. With Edward, I wanted to be wide awake every second. Not anymore. I wanted to feel numb, no feelings and no more tears. I couldn't do that, even as Mom handed me a cup of water, even with Jacob smiled at me, raising his Coke to me, and even while Michael held my hand, squeezing it when I flinched at a certain word or a certain gesture that reminded me of one of the Cullens. I wanted to pull away, but he wouldn't have understood. My hand belonged in Edward's and no one else's. Not even my brother's. It looked so strange there. I looked as pale as Edward next to Michael's beautiful olive skin.

"Hey, Tim, pick out a puzzle," Michael told me once we finished the first game of Monopoly, which I'd refused to play in. I watched and managed a few smiles here and there. Michael was doing his best to distract me, cracking stupid jokes, talking about school when it was summer already, whining about how he'd lost, anything to get a half smile from me. I felt guilty for making them put that much effort into anything with no results.

"Um... The coin one," I said quietly, trying to sound happy. Or at least not depressed or dead. My stomach was starting to hurt again, and the water didn't help. I took a sip of Michael's Sprite to see if it helped any. It didn't. Usually, I was the most indecisive person ever too, which was another difference my family exchanged glances about. Any decision kept my mind off Edward for a few seconds. It wasn't that I wanted to forget. I just wanted to get through the day without crying anymore or breaking down at a certain word that Edward's voice sounded extra beautiful when he spoke. So I separated the edge pieces from the rest of the puzzle I'd chosen. A slow process. Michael and Jacob were hopeless at puzzles and spent most of their time joking around. I'd tuned them out absent mindedly, trying to keep my mind immune to any memories of Edward or the Cullens. I was pretty good at puzzles. For the years my grandma was in a nursing home, I went by every other weekend to help her with whatever puzzle she was doing.

Like I thought, the coin puzzle was a hundred times harder than it looked. So it required all my concentration. I didn't think of Edward. It was nice in some ways, but it also left me feeling more miserable than before. I didn't want to lose one second of the time we had together once. Even if it was over now. I didn't want to forget one more detail, and I'd already forgotten too many. I didn't laugh once and my smiles were forced, but they were there. Anything was better than crying. I only wanted to remember Edward, the real one. My Edward. The man that had loved me once. And even that Edward was a wagon of pain now because he was gone too, never to return to me or to himself. He was a monster now. Forever.

Mom got an ice cream cake. We all had a piece, but I stole the smallest and I didn't want to sit with them, pretending. I went to sit on the front porch, suck in the fresh air and hopefully calm my stomach some. I wanted to stare off into space, think about absolutely nothing, and be alone if I ended up crying. The wind was a little chilly. I set my cake down beside me, covering my face with my hands. I knew the tears would come soon. I _wanted_ to cry, but I couldn't then. When I cried and Edward wasn't there to wipe away the tears, to kiss them until I smiled, laughed even, it was always harder. It felt like this ghost was strangling me, sucking the life from me as a vampire would. He wasn't draining my body of blood though. Not yet. Just the life. The blood would possibly come at the next accident, whatever it was.

I looked up when the front door opened, glad that no tears had fallen. It was Jacob. He sat next to me with a smile. Enthusiastic and little kid cute. "You don't mind, do you?" he asked when I looked away without returning the smile.

I shook my head, letting out a slow breath. "No. Your presence is kind of relaxing actually. You have this nice energy. I guess I'm kind of like a horse right now. In there, they're all scared to mention something on accident, so I'm scared too. I can sense it. You're relaxed and not fussing over me, so I can relax too," I explained with my eyes closed. "It's kind of like you have life and... happiness"--I was surprised to realize the mere word was hard to say--"radiating off you."

"And what if I'm not happy?" Jacob inquired, and I was too distracted to tell if he was serious or not.

I glanced at him. It seemed like ages ago that Charlie told me Jake was having friend problems. Even in my own misery, I could tell nothing had changed since then. I forced a half smile as I shrugged. "It doesn't make much of a difference," I answered softly, wondering if Edward was happy or not. He didn't have me clinging to him physically anymore, just to his memory. "Do you want to talk about it?" I asked, pushing Edward from my mind again. "I've been told I'm a pretty good listener."

"Why do you do that?"

"Do what?"

Jake laughed, shaking his head. I had to take a deep breath to stop the tears when I remembered how Edward used to do that when I'd annoyed him. Mostly when asking about how to become a vampire. Laughing came before his anger and after I'd pissed him off beyond return. "You were missing for four days, sedated for two more, you wrapped your car around a tree, almost killed yourself, I can tell you've been crying, and you're about to breakdown right now and you don't even realize it yet," Jake told me in a voice that made me hang my head. I felt so defeated, too tired to fight anymore. I just wanted to cry until the pain stopped, and I couldn't do that. No person had that many tears. He sighed. "Then you ask me if I want to talk about my problems? Why do you pus your problems off like they're nothing, when mine are so much smaller?"

"Oh," I whispered. I didn't know how to explain it and it would probably make me sound crazy or something. But the whole town of Forks probably thought I was out of my mind already. I shrugged at Jake, breathing deeply again. It still hurt. But now I was getting used to the empty hole in my chest. "I guess helping people helps me sometimes. It makes me realize that thinking through problems rationally isn't too hard. Even my own problems. And no problem is small. They all change our lives in one way or another. And maybe our problems are similar. Maybe we can help each other somehow."

Jake stared at me for a moment as if to see if I was actual serious. Then he shrugged. "Okay. So my two best friends are Quil and Embry." I smiled at their names, wondering if Jake was only saying that to make me laugh. "No, I'm serious! That's their names."

"Okay, I believe you." Not. Not yet anyway.

"Well, Embry sort of... okay, you'll think I'm crazy. Just forget about it."

"I think I deserve the chance to call you psycho after you've been thinking it for so long about me," I joked half heartedly.

Jake grinned. "Okay, fine. Uh... You know Sam Uley, right?" Sam... I didn't recognize the last name, but I assumed he was one of the search party and nodded. "He has this group. He's controlling and annoying. He pisses me off to say the least. He's got these friends called Paul and Jared. He's always looked at me this certain way. Anyway. Embry joined his group if you could call it that. It's more like a gang if you ask me."

"There's a gang?" I inquired. I was interested then. Partly because this was Jacob's problem, partly because it kept my mind off Edward.

"Yeah, but not the kind you're thinking about. No robbing banks and all that crap. It's just... They're a good gang. The elders are all like... singing their praise about how Sam keeps us safe, blah, blah, blah. They don't really seem to realize that Sam basically grabs these random kids and somehow gets control of them. Like he's controlling their minds and they can't break out. He scares me because he always seems like he's waiting for me to join the gang. I'm not going to. Embry said that same thing to me so many times. He hated Sam. And now he can only hang out with Sam. He won't talk to me or anything. I saw him out with Sam and the stupid gang the other day. He looked at me like Sam does. Now Quil's scared as hell and... Oh. Just forget it, Tim. It's the stupid high school crap. Nothing like your problems."

"No. Tell me," I said gently.

Jake sighed then. "They're basically just like hall monitors gone bad. Quil's acting like Embry did just before Embry bailed out on me."

I knew his story was over then and shrugged to give myself a few seconds to think of some way to reply. "I guess we both got bailed on, huh?" I mumbled, staring at the spot where Edward always parked his Volvo. He used to park on the side of the road where I could see him from my bedroom window. He used to lean against his car, smiling up at me, and I knew the smile was because he'd been happy. Or maybe he was just laughing that Charlie hadn't figured out he'd been laying in my bed with me every night, watching me sleep. I had no idea. Either way, that figure by his Volvo was just another ghost.

Jake nodded, which brought me out of my thoughts. "You more than me."

"Not really," I muttered, turning to stare at my one bare foot and the cast on my broken leg. "It all hurts, and you can't know how bad until the hurt is gone," I whispered more to myself. I wasn't that much older than Jake, only about a year, but he seemed so young, or maybe it was just that I matured so much faster than all my friends had. Jacob was no exception, even if boys generally matured slower than girls. I felt a little responsible as Jake's friend to help him through his own problem. It would help me live through mine maybe. Hopefully.

Jake sighed, leaning back against one of the porch posts. "So what are you escaping from in there?" he asked, throwing his thumb over his shoulder at the front door.

Escaping. That was a good word!

I turned my body so I was facing him and hugged my knees to my chest. That helped the nausea at least. Not the hole. "Nothing specific really. More like a hundred small things hinting at a hundred bigger things, that hint at another hundred even bigger things, and so on," I answered with the annoyance thick and obvious in my voice. "To get away from the things they're all trying so hard not to mention while they're all thinking about it." I shrugged then to give me an excuse to pause as I fought back more tears. "I had to get away from them all trying to distract me. But that doesn't help because then I'm up all night trying to think of what would have happened that day, what the day would have been like if Edward was there to make it the best day of my life." I smiled sadly. "He always did that. Everyday was better than the last. Up until..." My voice faded and I shook my head, leaning my cheek against my knee.

Jacob ignored the last small section. "Yeah, my dad's been the same away. But at least I can sleep."

I nodded distantly. I broke into a genuine smile at the thought of someone telling me how I was turning into a vampire because of my insomnia. Little did they know, vampires were real and I knew a whole family of them. I'd dated one! "I guess we'll have to hurt for a while," I mumbled, resting my chin on the knee of my good leg, studying Jake's soft, young face.

I looked up when the Chinese delivery man finally arrived with our food. I swung my legs around out of his way so he could get to the front door. "Food's here!" I yelled.

Jacob laughed then. "You never fail to do something funny."

"Like rudely yelling instead of knocking on the door or getting up?" I inquired playfully. Then I realized Emmett would have said something like that and flinched. Jake looked away, and I sighed. I felt so defeated. Nothing ever got better. There was too much to remind me of these people who were pretending not to exist.

"So you want to come over tomorrow?" Jake asked. If he hadn't, our conversation would have ended there, and I probably would have broke into tears. "I can take your truck home and pick you up tomorrow or something," he explained with a grin. "Summer break without anything to do sounds like every other year before you came. You'll have to show me what you did around LA."

I smiled and glanced over my shoulder as Dad paid for the food. His eyes were looking me over. Apparently he hadn't noticed I was gone. "Hope you have a few billion in the bank," I joked. "We basically went shopping and I worked lots. But sure to the coming over part. Remind me to give you the key to my truck. Just don't wreck it, please. No running off to get beer in the middle of the night or anything either. I wouldn't want Billy to think I'm responsible for anything else."

Jake laughed. "Oh, don't worry about it. I've already told him you're corrupting my youthful innocence."

That was the first time I laughed. I was as amazed by the sound as everyone else. It didn't sound like my laugh though. There was no reason to be happy without Edward, as hard as I tried to be. My laugh would never be the same. It wouldn't be alive ever again. I found it strange that Jacob was always the person I ran to when Edward was gone. When I broke up with him before spring break, I went to LA, then I came back and spent all my extra time with Jacob in his garage. The same thing again now that I was left alone. Only Edward gave me no promise to come back. He wouldn't return. He'd planned to leave me without any way to remember him other than memories that eventually faded to hallucinations with no way for me to tell if they were real or not. I didn't know why I always went to Jake, but that was the way it was. I was glad I had him. He at least kept me sane, and he was the first to get a laugh out of me, which almost gave Dad a heart attack.

Mom brought us plates of food. I mostly pushed it around on my plate. My thoughts were on the time Edward left me in a Chinese restaurant. It was before I knew he was a vampire and now I knew it was because he needed to hunt. That was why he'd left. His black eyes flashed in my mind. I tried to remember if they were black or topaz when he abandoned me, but those memories were behind the wall I'd built. I couldn't go there yet. _Probably just insomnia, _I told myself, and it only helped a little. Enough so I was able to eat half the food Mom gave me. The thought had come to mind that Edward was only hunting, and that was a mistake. Edward was gone. He wasn't coming back. Why did I keep trying to find some other explanation?

"Honey, come open presents," Mom said, and Jake helped me to my feet. His hands were on fire. They burnt my skin. I was somehow numb to that feeling too.

I stopped short at the sight of at least a dozen presents on the living room floor. More than I'd originally seen. If the boxes were any larger, I would have wondered if Alice was somehow hiding in one of them. Or maybe even Edward, but I knew neither of them were cruel enough to put me through all of that for a simple surprise. I wouldn't have believed they were real anyway. I would have thought they were hallucinations anyway. Feeling like I was going to be tortured, more than when Alice bought me presents, I limped to the couch. Dad smiled at my horrified expression and took my arm from Jake. Now his hand was freezing. Almost as cold as Edward's had been, but I knew that was only because my skin had adjusted to Jake's burning touch. "Don't worry, sweetie. We didn't pay for most of them," he told me, but that hardly helped. I was dreading the amount of time we would have to spend opening presents I didn't want in the first place. It would be too long. I would probably break down before we were half way through. The thought alone was torture.

"We wanted to bring you some of home, so..." Mom handed me the first present with an excited smile.

Some of home... Great... That made me extra nervous.

I tried to be enthusiastic. But I didn't know what to think of all the presents, besides how much I didn't want them. Any of them. The first was a jar of sand from my favorite beach in LA, which made me long for the humidity and the sun. Michael made a joke about how he had to escape from the cops when he stole the sand off a public beach, which caused a glare from Charlie. I managed a smile, imagining how easy that would have been for one of the Cullens. Ugh! They were everywhere. _Everything _reminded me of them.

Mom brought me my favorite acoustic guitar--after the one Edward had bought me. She brought my keyboard too since my grand piano wouldn't fit anywhere in the house. Michael brought me two pillows from my room full of pictures, the walls covered in memories. I regretted keeping all my memories here in Forks instead of clearing a whole wall for Edward. I had only one picture of him. The only piece of furniture in that room was a bad, and I'd once dreamt that Edward was holding me in that bed, me telling him about every day, every memory. Time seemed so endless when I was with him. Now that he was gone, only the pain felt endless.

Other than the bits of home, Mom got me a new scrapbook, and I knew she got it before Edward left because all my scrap booking was of me and him together. Or pictures that he took of me, pictures that I took of him too. I remembered the time I had been sitting on his bedroom floor, trying to do my homework. He'd pulled my camera out of my purse without me even noticing and my whole memory card was full, which I figured out days later. I made him a scrapbook and he joked about how that would be the first thing he saved if his house ever got set on fire somehow.

Some joke. Really funny now.

I could think of something else to do with the new scrapbook though. Me and Jake perhaps. Just as friends. No unnecessary touching. Or of my other friends in Forks. I appreciated it as much as I could under the circumstances. Mom got me a sun hat too, which she claimed would remind me of all the wonderful times in LA. It did, but it made me wonder when the next sunny day in Forks would be. It made me wonder how I would have spent that day if Edward hadn't left me. I put the hat on Jake's hand--it didn't fit. I was trying to be light hearted and somewhat happy. I managed a smile at how Jake looked in the hat. A little feminine from the back with his long, black hair. Were it not for his huge shoulders, he would have been mistaken for a female. I wanted to laugh at that. But what was the point? No one was there to make the laugh feel like... heaven. Edward was gone. Nothing else mattered.

Dad got me books. A nice gift. The presents were just another way to get my mind off Edward though. I appreciated them all and the trouble my family put into them. So I did my best to smile and then the party was over. There was nothing left to distract me. The books were all romance books. I didn't want to read them. I wasn't ready to realize I'd once had the best man ever. He was in my arms, he was mine. He was gone. No book, no character could live up to him or even capture what we had once had or the pain I now felt.

Mom and Dad did the dishes after ordering me not to help. I wanted to! I needed something else to distract me. Michael carried my presents upstairs, and I reluctantly followed. I laid down on my bed with the pillows from home and the one picture I had left of Edward. The orange bottles of pills were on my night stand. Anti depressants, sleeping pills, and pain medication. All of them were tempting. I closed my eyes, the tears coming now. I let them fall, letting all my walls fall too, including the one that once held the monster Edward. I let him come to destroy me. It hurt so bad to remember any Edward, monster or the man I loved. But forgetting was even worse. Neither were the best options, and both sounded equally hard. How could I remember this monster? How could I forget my Edward? I clung to the picture of Edward and myself and I imagined his arms were around me. I could hear my lullaby in my head, but it wasn't real. It was another survival mechanism. I just had to survive somehow, hold onto what life I had left until I found some other way out of this. I needed out.

I knew it was irrational, naive, and stupid to believe it was Edward who saved my life. Anything was possible though. I knew that now. Edward had left me when I'd once believed that was never possible. I'd once believed he would never go. And he did. He was gone, as I kept reminding myself in the hope that the anger would replace the pain. Anything to get through the day. Anything was possible, which also made me believe that there was a tiny possibility that Edward would come back to me, loving me more than ever or just as much as before. That was possible. Just not probable anymore. Not after Edward left me.

And so I tried to sleep, crying in misery and pain, but it was no use. I laid there, forbidden to remember and terrified to forget. Forbidden to remember my Edward by the new monster that had replaced him. Forbidden by myself to remember any part, anything that reminded me of him. I was terrified to forget the man I loved, and the monster because I wanted to keep searching for the real reason he left. I could never forget. I could never forget any part of it. Not the monster. Not the man I loved. Not the memories. Edward did exist. And the pain just grew worse again, even if I thought it had been impossible. And I cried, but he wasn't there to hold me. He was gone. Forever.


	10. Chapter 9

Chapter Nine

I pretended to be asleep the next morning to please Dad, Mom, and Michael. Dad drove them to the airport in Port Angeles early, and Mom came in to say goodbye to me. She cried twice as hard as I thought she would. She kissed my cheek and left quickly, not ready to wake me. But I couldn't sleep. Nightmares were the only thing that game in my sleep anyway. Not Edward. After I was sure they were all gone, I got up and showered, ate a piece of toast even, but I only threw it back up again.

The nausea I felt wasn't so bad, but the reason it was there constantly broke me. I could never live happily ever again. No happily ever after in this story. Not yet because I couldn't stand the thought of living without Edward, even while I was living that life daily. I couldn't be happy. Not without Edward. My one picture. That was all I had. I spent so long taking pictures to preserve the memories I had with Edward. He knew that, every tiny detail about my fear of forgetting those precious memories, and he still took them. An action in scorn? It seemed like anger, hatred even, but what could I do now? The memories I tried to make last forever had disappeared and I couldn't get them back. Sometimes, it felt like I'd imagined it all, but it wasn't my imagination. The picture--the one I had left--proved that I wasn't crazy. Not that that changed the thought that I was psychotic as I could _feel _Edward's movements.

When I returned to my room after completely emptying the content of my stomach, I sat cross legged on my bed, eyes on my last memory of Edward that was physical. Everything else was bottled up inside me. The last memory I had _for sure. _The one I would never, ever forget, even if the others faded. I would either win Edward back or make more, win him back, and he could give me back the others, or--the worst--I would forget all of it eventually besides that picture, which would be lost once I started to believe he'd never existed. For much of my life, I believed that love lasted forever, but in a way, Edward proved me wrong. I still loved him, but there was no guarantee that he still loved me, so love did end. Or there was a possibility that it did. That was enough to make the tears come again. Our love was a love that would never last forever.

I curled up into a tiny ball, as small as I could, but, even so much later, _nothing _helped me. Not that I had found, not that I'd tried. Not even talking to Jacob helped the hole inside me. It just distracted me for a while. It just left more emptiness where it would usually have helped. The longer I searched, the longer and deeper my pain became. I remembered Mom telling me that you don't know what you got until it's gone, as cliche as that was. I knew what I had when I had Edward. I didn't know the depth of what he meant to me until he was gone. And he was still gone, still leaving me. Never to return. That was his plan. I knew that.

I reached for my guitar, which was on the floor. I couldn't just sit there thinking. I had to do something. Playing usually helped me vent whatever emotion I had, but I didn't even know what I felt then. Anger that he left, no, that wasn't it. Pain, yes, but what kind? Hatred, yes, of the monster. Love, yes, of my Edward. But the monster and my Edward were the same person. Edward Cullen. How could I love him and hate him at the same time? Playing didn't help that time. I started strumming a song I had written years ago. There were no words to it yet--I didn't know what words would work with it or why this song was so complicated for me to write. So I played the song, thinking hard about what lyrics fit with my life now. My thoughts. Putting them into a song, memorizing them.

I grabbed my notebook and a pen off my nightstand. I suddenly knew exactly what words would work. They came easy, easier than the tears as I wrote them. They came right to me because I knew where I stood now. I knew a small portion of what I felt. I knew what it would sound like and I knew I would cry. But I accepted it and finished writing the lyrics. I was angry, yes, because I knew Edward had once left me. He loved me when he begged me to believe he would always love me. How could I believe that while he was gone? I was in love as much as ever. I was hurt, and hurting, and in pain, all while fighting off the pain and the hurt. I wanted to get Edward out of my mind for a few moments to give me the sanity to think through this problem rationally and discover what I wanted to do now that Edward was gone. I put all of that in my song.

My eyes going back and forth between my guitar strings, the freshly written lyrics, and the picture of my Edward, I started to play, praying as hard as I could that he could somehow hear my words. Praying that he would answer me. I needed an answer, any kind. Anything that made sense in this new world of confusion... anything at all.

Don't hang up,  
Can we talk?  
So confused  
It's like I'm lost.  
What went wrong?  
what made you go?  
Don't pretend you don't know  
This is me  
I'm unchangeable

When did we  
Fall apart?  
Or did you lie  
From the start?  
When you said  
It's only you  
I was blind  
Such a fool  
Thinking we  
Were unbreakable

It was you and me against the world  
And you promised me forever more  
Was it something that I said?  
was it something that I did?  
Cause I gotta know  
What made me unbeautiful.

I've been told  
Whats done is done  
To let it go  
And carry on  
And deep inside  
I know that's true  
I'm stuck in time  
I'm stuck on you  
We were still untouchable

It was you and me against the world  
And you promised me forever more.  
Was it something that I said?  
Was it something that I did?  
Cause I gotta know  
What made me unbeautiful

Wake up, wake up, wake up  
Cause I'm only dreaming  
Get out, get out, get out  
Get out of my head now

Because we're much better  
All together  
Can't let go.

It was you and me against the world  
And you promised me forever more  
Was it something that I said?  
Was it something that I did?  
Cause I gotta know  
What made me unbeautiful

It was you and me against the world  
And you promised me forever more  
Was it something that I said?  
Was it something that I did?  
Cause I gotta know  
What made me unbeautiful?  
Made me unbeautiful.

When I finished, the tears were there, never to leave until I found the strength I knew was somewhere inside me. I couldn't let Edward take anymore from me--my Edward wouldn't want that, even if this new monster did. I felt so strange. Not ugly, just not beautiful like Edward had made me feel. I felt like I was in a constant nightmare, like it was just a terrible, horrible, miserable, damned dream. I couldn't let go. Ever. But at the same time, I wanted Edward out of my mind for a few seconds. Only a few. I wanted him to tell me yes instead of no. I didn't want to be denied my wish anymore. I just wanted Edward forever. Not just for the rest of my life like I told him on the night of our prom. But he wouldn't give me that anymore. He wouldn't even give me that for the rest of my life. I wanted to know what made me so disgusting to him, what made him change into this monster, what made him leave. I wanted simple _answers_. But Edward wasn't there to give them to me.

I sniffed, wiping away the tears. I rolled my eyes at myself. Jacob would be there soon. But I could only cry. I let the damned tears fall freely. I was too tired to care. I just wanted a few seconds of relief. Seconds. Not weeks, or days, or even hours. _Seconds. _Edward used to be able to erase all my pain permanently and now I would settle for seconds alone. I just wanted a few seconds to think clearly. I wanted to feel normal--alive--again. But the only reason I felt dead in the first place was Edward, and I was constantly reminded that he was gone. Everywhere I looked, there were memories of him. I couldn't be sure they were all real anymore. I just new Edward was real and that the picture I'd left in LA was real. Which meant that day was real. But who would believe in vampires because Edward Cullen said he was one? No one else would because they had never seen what I had, felt what I had, heard and lived what I had. All of it was real.

"You're not crazy," I told myself. "You're in love with a freaking vampire." Stupid words. Stupid thought. A vampire? What was so special about a vampire? Why did I care about him? It wasn't so believable coming from my own lips. The fact that I loved a vampire proved to me that I was crazy in my mind. I had lied to myself enough to make myself believe I would have lied about not being crazy too. Dad had said the same thing, but that didn't change anything--he didn't know the Cullens were vampires. He was painfully honest. Still, he didn't have one key factor and I just couldn't believe anything that came out of my mind or mouth. I just felt crazy. Too crazy. I needed to think, but yet another problem. I couldn't sleep, which made me unable to think.

I rolled off my bed to get some sparkling water from the kitchen--Mom knew I didn't like soda, so she'd kindly brought some for me. My stomach twisted in hunger. I just needed something in it. The sparkling water helped a little with both filling and settling my stomach. I sighed to get one more second without tears, feeling another breakdown coming. I could never ease the pain, but I wanted the tears to stop. Then I could at least pretend to be okay. Not everyone would believe, but I wanted to give some peace to my family. I wouldn't feel so guilty then.

"What do you have to feel guilty about?" I asked, staring out into the rain. I was the one in so much pain I felt like it would kill me. I was the one that was abandoned. But I still felt guilty. I asked myself everyday if it was right for me to have asked Edward to put himself in pain to be with me. I asked myself a hundred thousand times if it was my fault somehow that he left. But I never found any answers, so I felt even more guilty. If he did love me once, and he stopped, it must have been my fault.

I sipped more of my water and cringed at the artificial flavor. I hated grape, but it was better than nothing at all. I stretched, staring at where Edward always parked when he drove me to school or when he came over. I sighed, eyes closed. I forced the tears back and it was the first time it worked.

Jacob pulled up to my house in my truck, which was covered in mud. I smiled at him through the window, raising one finger to tell him I'd be right out. I grabbed my cell phone, keys, and a sweater from upstairs. It wasn't cold, but it wasn't warm either. So I zipped up my stretched and torn hoodie on my way outside. I pulled up my hood to hide anymore evidence that I had been crying almost all morning. So the ride to La Push was completely silent. We didn't even look at each other. It was like we were brand new friends, out for the first time. No one would have guessed Jacob and I had known each other most of our lives. So we should have been talking, and it wasn't Jacob. _It was me. _Edward left because of me. Jacob was awkward because of me. It was all my fault. Every bit of it. I would never recover from the pain Edward inflicted. For so long, I had believed I was strong, at least fairly strong. How strong could anyone be if they couldn't stop loving a _vampire_? In some sick way, the fact that he drank blood to survive only made me love him more. He could have killed me a billion times, but he didn't. Not before he left even. Now I wished he had killed me. At least then I wouldn't be in pain. Not like this.

But somehow, the thought of Edward in pain was somehow worse than the pain I felt. I remembered a conversation we had about suicide once. He'd mentioned the Volturi, told me their story, Carlisle's, and he said that if he had to live without me, suicide was the only thing he would want. I just couldn't let him suffer. I would have to live somehow in case he changed his mind. So the stupid, idiotic person I was, I loved Edward enough to forever live in this hell on earth. I was stupid. But aren't we all stupid in love? Don't we all fall for the wrong person--the person who makes the least sense for us to love? I was left to cry, but hurting Edward was worse than him hurting me. I had always tried to help him through the pain my blood gave him, especially when he hadn't hunted. And maybe it wasn't enough. But I tried. I would have tried a thousand times harder if it would have saved me the pain I felt.

But now I had no one to save me. Nothing. So the tears fell once more as Jacob pulled up to the tiny house in La Push. I remembered it vaguely from my childhood. I followed him to his garage. Without invitation, I got myself a soda to settle my stomach--soda was better than nothing--and handed Jake another. I leaned against the wall and slid down to the ground. Head rested against the walls about to meet in a corner, I closed my eyes. I needed to stop crying and figure something out to do in Jake's garage other than watch him work on his Volkswagen Rabbit.

Thankful for Jake's digression, I regained what composure I could and moved to Jake's side. "You look really horrible. No offense," he added quickly.

I nodded with a small smile. "I feel horrible too," I replied, clutching my stomach. I needed food in it, but throwing up whatever I ate caused me to do my best to ignore the knots in my empty stomach. "So after you finish your car, do you have any plans for summer? If you finish it before summer's over, I mean," I said shyly. I felt mean to hope Jake had nothing planned, but I needed to feel something. Anything. I knew I was using Jake also, and that didn't help my guilt, but I was willing to try anything if it meant I could sleep at night or just get through a meal without struggling not to cry or just sobbing freely.

Jake shrugged. "Not really. You?"

"Sort of. I applied for a job at the Newton's just outside of town. Haven't really heard anything about it, but maybe I can work sympathy in my favor," I joked with a half smile. "And Mom wants me to fly home every other weekend or maybe even every weekend." I pushed my long bangs from my face with a sigh. "But I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to leave Forks after everything that's happened here," I admitted quietly, staring out into the rain again.

"Such as?" Jake inquired, and the disgust told me he knew I meant Edward. But I thought I heard some hope in his boyish voice too.

"Lots of stuff. I made tons of new friends, renewed some old friendships, maybe a few enemies too," I mumbled, thinking of Jessica. "I've changed tons in this tiny town. I reached the high light of my life here. It's hard to explain." But it really wasn't. Edward. Edward was my happiness, my strength, my hope, my savior. How much easier could it be? But all of that was gone and Jake wouldn't understand anyway.

I blinked back a few tears. "I knew," I whispered, and saw Jacob's confused look. "From the very start, I knew it was dumb to put all my faith in him, let him be what made me completely happy. I was terrified that this would happen. I told him that I felt like he would vanish. I don't even know what I meant exactly. I just... I trusted him."

"His kind--nasty leeches--are like that. They--"

"Can we not talk about it, please?" I interrupted, looking away. "I really want to talk about something else if that's okay."

"Okay, sure. So what would you do in LA if you were there?"

I chewed on my lip thoughtfully. "Work on a CD, I guess" was my answer. "My step dad, Ted, is a musical producer. It'd be easy. I want to put all my thoughts into music somehow--if I can. I want to be able to work through this somehow without losing my mind." I gave a half smile. "If that hasn't already happened," I added, playing with one of my curls as I watched Jacob's skilled hands sort through the parts on his floor. "And they're not leeches!" I exclaimed suddenly, and I had no idea why I hadn't said that originally if I was going to defend them at all.

"Yeah, they are! But what kind of music?"

"No, they're not! I dunno what genre. Maybe rock or country. Maybe both. Why does it matter though. And how could you call the Cullens leeches?" I knew it was stupid to mix a decent conversation in with a furious argument, but at least it kept me from attacking Jacob.

"Because they are!" Jacob mumbled, sounding like the answer should have been obvious to me. "And it's not even the fact that they drink blood. They took everything from you, Tim! They're sucking the life from you like a vampire would. You're totally gone and you don't even realize it. You stare off into forests wherever like you think he'll come out of one. How can you defend them after what they did to you?"

I knew it was all true. I was stupid to wish, but I had to. That was my only hope. "I just... have to. It doesn't feel right if I don't," I whispered.

We fell silent then. I had no doubt it was because Jake realized how stubborn I was. He wasn't going to argue with me because it would never end. I crossed my ankles with my legs straightened. Mulling over all the forests Edward could be hiding in, I vowed to search every single one. I was crazy, yes, but I needed him to be with me. He'd known that. He still knew that. I could never survive a lifetime without him. He had to come back to me. I prayed Michael was right when he said Edward would come running back soon. But there was no guarantees anywhere. The only thing I'd ever believed was permanent in my life was Edward. Turned out, he wasn't even permanent when he lived forever. He changed most of all. He was the most temporary thing there was, and I just hadn't realized it.

I cleared my throat. "How long until you're done with this?" I asked, tapping the door of Jacob's Volkswagen Rabbit.

"Not sure. With the way I work, probably fairly soon. Next few months," he mumbled.

"Would it be faster if I left?" I asked. I knew how much he wanted to finish, even if he wasn't quite sixteen yet. He'd been building his beloved car from scratch since before I'd moved to Forks. Since then, he'd made an unreal amount of progress. I didn't want to slow him down. Mom always said I had an over sensitive conscious, especially when I was already vulnerable. I knew it was true, but there wasn't really much I could do about it. The vulnerability or the sensitive conscious.

Jacob shook his head, grunting in effort as he tightened something--I couldn't see what, his hands were too big. "No. I like it when you watch me. Your face is really funny sometimes. It's kinda like you're not even here. Like you're off somewhere else. I kinda wonder where you go sometimes."

I scoffed. "You don't wanna know," I muttered, and moved out of the way quickly. His presence was nice. It was so peaceful, so happy, even with all his friends dumping him. It was nice that he didn't cringe every time he looked at me, which was a nice change. It let me forget about my car accident for a while, until I made a move that hurt my ribs or back. Even Charlie made a face when he heard me limping around. My accident brought a new part of accident prone for me. I still believed Edward somehow saved me as crazy as I knew that made me. The love I had for Edward was only complex because it was forbidden love. But few knew that he was a vampire, so they just saw it like a gorgeous boy loving a simple girl. It didn't make sense how we fell in love, but we somehow did. Edward had loved me at some point, and every bit of common sense told me he still loved me, even if my head told me he didn't. So I continued to search, but searching a gap of nothing was harder than I thought, and pointless--there was nothing there.

"So have you ever been out of Washington?" I asked.

"Yeah. My sister's wedding was in Hawaii. But I like Washington better. Guess I'm used to all the rain. You've probably traveled everywhere. Care to list the places for me? I like to listen to your voice actually. It's cute."

I rolled my eyes. No compliments or comments like that. That should have been one of my terms if I was going to hang out with Jacob. Only Edward was allowed to tell me about my voice or my eyes or whatever. But I told Jacob about my travels. Trips to every continent in the world. I spoke a few sentences in the languages from each place if I could. I explained the modeling job I'd done in each country or city. Jacob asked a billion questions, and I didn't cry, but that didn't mean much. I described the weather in each place and all I could think about was how Edward couldn't go wherever because of the sun. And worse than that, I made a mental note of all the sunless places I'd been because there was a possibility that Edward was there. I also wondered if he was with his family or not.

I was foolish to hope at all, but who else would have given a family of seven vampires a first change, much less a second or third? I was naive maybe, but I didn't care. I knew what my feelings were, and they were never going to change if I wasn't over Edward yet. I was too stubborn to give up. I was exhausted, but I couldn't do the rational thing and give in, realize Edward wasn't coming back. I lived for Edward. That was the only reason I was still alive. Until I was dead, there was a small chance he would come for me. And it didn't matter to me if he came on a white horse, on foot, or in a shiny silver Volvo. It didn't have to be a fairytale. It just had to be real. As real as Edward was. As real as the picture of us. As real as I knew his love had once been.

Jacob glanced at me when I sighed deeply. "You deserve better than them," he told me quietly, obviously cautious too.

I laughed, closing my eyes as I pictured Edward's gorgeous smile. So alive and happy. "Who has ever earned the love they got?" I muttered because I knew no one had. Not me, or my father, not Jacob or Edward, not anyone I loved or anyone who loved me. Love was something no one _deserved_ or_ earned_. It just happened. And I paid for loving Edward. There was only one price to pay for loving--pain. I continued to pay that price. And it was horrible, but if it meant there was still a chance Edward would come back, I would endure. Edward was alive, which meant there was that possibility.

"How could you love someone who might kill you?"

"You could kill me as easily as he could, Jake. Maybe not in the same way, but methods don't matter to me. You could throw a tool or a part over your shoulder, accidentally hit my head, give me blunt forced trauma," I said with a laugh. Then my smile faded. "If Edward wanted to kill me, he would have done it when he left. By the time they found my body--if they ever did--he would have been so far gone no one would ever find him. And then there was no guarantee that anyone would think of him first. He won't kill me."

"Won't?" Jacob repeated, glaring at me. "He can't control himself! He could kiss you too hard and smash your skull or hug you too hard and completely crush your body. You don't even realize how strong he is."

"How would you know? And he never did," I insisted, but I didn't know why I continued to argue. It wouldn't change Jacob's mind. "He's hugged me before and he hasn't hurt me. Not even bruises." He didn't give me bruises. Any bruises I got were from me elbowing him or whatever. He couldn't feel it. He was too hard, but I got a few bruises. "He's never squeezed me too hard. It's always been too gentle if you ask me. Made me feel breakable. And he's kissed me too, but I'm still alive. It's my life anyway. I can give it to anyone I want."

"You are breakable. To him. And you'll give your life away to a vampire, even if it kills you?"

I nodded. "I've been to hell, Jacob. I'm in hell! How much worse could it get? And I don't have to justify my relationship to you. I love him. He loves me. That's all that matters, though I wouldn't expect you to understand that. You never saw how happy I was with him and how much he loved me. Even Charlie could see it, and he's the most biased person in the world!"

"If he loves you so much, why did he leave?"

"I'm sure there was a reason."

"Then why didn't he tell you?"

I glared furiously at Jake, but he was right, even if I didn't want to admit it. I wouldn't admit it. Edward had a reason. I told myself that. He just didn't tell me because it would bring problems. The fact that Edward showed no pain or regret was another thing that got to me. He showed some kind of hatred in his eyes, but I couldn't read anything else. They were empty for the first time. I let out another sigh. "So, uh, anyway," I mumbled, feeling embarrassed. Arguing with a werewolf descendent about the innocence of a vampire was pointless. Neither of us would change our opinions. So I decided to end the argument and move on with the conversation, but my mind would remain on the topic no matter what.

"You heard about the disappearances?" I asked. One good topic I could dream up.

Jacob nodded. "Two and now three more," he told me. I hadn't heard of the three though. Charlie probably avoided telling me for a reason. Or maybe he had and I just didn't remember it. My depression was bad enough to make me forget things or not even hear them. Three more disappearances only made me wonder who it was more than ever. The last time people were killed, it was three vampires. I didn't know if it could possibly be more vampires, but it seemed reasonable. And if people were disappearing, they could be dead, which meant those vampires weren't like Edward and the Cullens. Those vampires were drinking human blood instead of animal blood. Edward told me a few too many times how good my blood smelled, even if it was like his own personal favorite. I smelled good to all vampires, especially good, but it was only addictive and extremely good to Edward. Edward could resist, but few other vampires would or even could. Which left me scared of why they were there. I was only scared because Edward wasn't with me though. And he wouldn't come back. He wouldn't make it in time to protect me. I would be dead if I came upon another vampire.

"Five total?" I inquired after a long silence. "Wonder if anyone else has been hurt... Anything like this happen before? Or is it just now?"

"Just that time before and now," Jacob answered. "But before, it was vampires."

"Would you please top talking about vampires? It was not the Cullens!"

"I never said it was! I just said--"

"Just stop!" I exclaimed in annoyance. "I know what you think of them. But you don't have to keep talking about it, okay? Let me work that out on my own without your wise cracks."

"Fine! Don't see why you're so touchy about me talking about other vampires."

"Because you put them all under the same category when you've never even talked to the Cullens," I snapped. My frustration was being taken out on Jake. I had so many problems to sort out. Too many, and no one would ever be able to help me. No one could understand because no one knew about vampires and so on. Or few did. Not even my best friend Phoebe or my mom. Not even Charlie. So I had to endure the pain, confusion, and everything else by myself, completely alone. The people who did know were the Cullen family--and they were gone--and Jacob, who spent the time insulting Edward and his family. So I had to endure it alone, and that was the worst part. I wanted Edward's gentle eyes, his understanding. I wanted Alice's sweet, happy hugs to lighten any mood. I wanted Emmett's stupid jokes, even if I was the victim of them all. I wanted Carlisle's compassion, as well as Esme's. But most of all, I just wanted Edward's love.

I had none left. Edward took all of them with him. And it made me feel like Alice was in on the whole thing too. I couldn't believe it though. It was too hard to think that I had been abandoned by Alice, Esme, Carlisle, Emmett, and Jasper even. I'd never talked to him for real other than when I was worrying about Edward last spring and he eased my fears as much as he could, but I cared for Jasper too. I knew Edward felt at least some of the pain Jasper did. So I tried to help Jasper in the same way. Maybe Edward left because I was hurting his family too, not just him. But at the same time, I knew Carlisle wouldn't allow the pain they faith get between myself and Edward when he'd been alone for a hundred years almost. Carlisle and the entire family were so happy for him when he'd met me. I'd been accepted into the family without hesitation. I'd been one of the Cullens.

There was a billion reasons Edward could have left, but he told me the two that would hurt me the most. Why? Did he want to hurt me? Was that the whole point?_ I don't love you. You're not good for me. _It was like he wanted to hurt me. But those words didn't seem like anything Edward would ever asy. But then the Edward I knew wouldn't ever refuse to take me with him. He wouldn't have left because he would have been leaving me. Something had changed over night, and we grew apart as fast as anyone could. Then he was gone.

Charlie picked me up on his way home from work. The ride back was silent. He could probably tell I wasn't up to cooking because he stopped by the tiny diner outside of town. I waited in the car, face leaned against the window, while he went inside to get dinner for us. I saw the unusually large bag when he returned and guessed he either got me more than I could eat or that he got enough to last a few nights of him eating, like he expected me to be gone, running away. No matter what, even while I stayed in Forks, I was running. He just didn't know that.

When we reached home, I grabbed my old CD player from upstairs before I went downstairs to eat. I poured a plate of fries and took the onion rings from Dad, trying to ignore his worried look. We warmed up the food quickly and I hurried upstairs to my room, plate in hand. I sat on my bed with my guitar. I pretended Edward was with me, humming my lullaby as I played. It was hard to concentrate that way.

Dad must ave heard me playing the song I wrote earlier, but thankfully he left me alone. I ate what I could and returned the rest of it to the kitchen. I saw Charlie's somewhat annoyed and extremely worried look, but I couldn't eat anymore. Once I got upstairs again, I curled into my usual ball in the center of my bed, hugging the picture of me and Edward to my chest. I tried to be strong. I tried not to cry. But what use would that ever be? I surrendered, remembering the day I found out Edward was a vampire. I told Edward that I didn't want to run away or fight him. I said that I surrendered. I surrendered to the pain that night. I couldn't fight anymore.

_If there was anything I could do to make you happy, I would do it and more, _Edward told me that once. He said that to me far before I knew he was a vampire. It was different now.

I sobbed at the memory of our first kiss. We were on a mountain and he'd grown frustrated with himself. His touch was so gentle, yet so passionate. His eyes had been closed, and I'd been trying to find my breath. I cried at the memory of his touch all the days after that, and his voice. "Then come back," I whispered, studying Edward's face in the picture. "I don't care if you change me or not, I don't care if we're almost never together. I'll be human my entire life and I'll die if that's what you want from me. But if you want me to be happy, just come back. Please..."

--------------------------

A/N: The song featured in this chapter is called "Unbeautiful" by Lesley Roy. Not mine.


	11. Chapter 10

Chapter Ten

My night was filled with nightmares. I couldn't understand why the nightmares continued. My day was filled with a few thousand questions. I debated for so long, and there was never any answers. My nightmares were always about how Edward refused to take me with him before he left. Not that night. I saw Edward's face. He looked miserable, as bad as I felt and worse. It made me want to tell him whatever I had to to make him feel better. He needed me. He wasn't there, and I knew he needed me. I would have ran to the end of the world to find him if I knew where he was. I would have done anything to help him. But this was his choice, wasn't it? He left. Now he needed me and I couldn't be there for him. I needed to be there for him, and I couldn't be. That hurt worse than the knowledge that Edward had left me. I still loved him and that love forced me to feel the need to comfort him whenever he needed it... I couldn't.

The pain was worse in the morning. I got a full seven hours of sleep, but it wasn't peaceful. I'd been crying all night. I woke up as tired as I was when I went to bed. Tears streaked my face and I was covered in sweat. I broke into sobs, pushing my hair from my face. I couldn't do this. I reviewed the dream in my mind, picturing the area. There had to be some way to find Edward. Even if he didn't like it, I had to be sure he was okay. But I couldn't remember any of our surroundings in the dream. Only his face and how tortured it was. I rolled over to see Dad in the doorway. I quickly wiped away the tears, but it didn't help.

He entered, and I forced the tears back. Crying wouldn't help Edward. I had to find another way. I couldn't corner myself in this helpless feeling. I had to find another way to help Edward, even if I died trying. "Timberlee, I know you'll hate the idea and you might even hate me for bringing it up, but it might help," Dad began, breaking into my thoughts. "You've been calling Edward's--" I cringed at the name, remembering how tormented he looked--"name all night. You've been tossing and turning like you're delirious with some kind of fever. Counseling is worth a try. I know you won't want to do it in Forks, so I called one in Port Angeles, and he--"

"I don't need a shrink," I said, amazed that Charlie had come up with that idea due to one nightmare. But it wasn't one nightmare. It was many. This one was new, and it was even worse than before. Edward needed me. Like I needed his arms around me, he needed my arms around him then, and I couldn't be there for him... I shook my head to push the thoughts out of my head. "I'm not crazy."

"I never said you were, honey. You don't have a choice though. I'll drive you to your appointment in the afternoon." Dad left then. He never said anything else. So I had counseling. He thought I was crazy, even if he tried to deny it. I just had to accept that. But the idea was miserable for me. I'd been through it before. Counseling never helped me.

In frustration, I chucked a pillow at the door after him, but in Port Angeles, I could get a new phone, iPod, and computer to keep in my touch with my friends at home in Los Angeles and find something to do if I remembered. I probably wouldn't even remember anything though. My mind was still on how horrible Edward looked. If a vampire could cry, that's what he had been doing. I sighed. On top of getting new electronics, I wanted to get some more books to read. Since I couldn't drive myself, I would just have to prove to the counselor that I wasn't crazy, then Dad would give in. Or maybe... Maybe my depression was the only problem, not the nightmares or the question of my stability. Charlie had every reason to worry. He just didn't understand how much I relied on Edward though. He was my everything. And he was gone. But that wasn't it on that morning. He needed me as much as I needed him. Now he was in my position. I couldn't hold him, even while I wanted to. And I didn't even know if Edward wanted to hold me anymore.

Jacob came by uninvited later on. I hugged him, happy to see him. While Dad was gone, I made lunch. My hands were cold from the eggs as I made chicken strips, but my mind was on how amazing Edward's were... It was the same recipe I was using now. Jacob was on the couch watching tv. I tried to listen so I could figure out what he was watching. But the only thing I could hear was commercials in between the sizzle of the chicken strips cooking. Jake's ears must have been unbelievably good if he could hear it. And I couldn't even guess what he was watching.

I handed Jake the plate covered in chicken strips and managed a small smile. He was watching CSI: Miami. "How can you watch that show and wat?" I asked, covering my eyes.

Jake laughed. "Best thing on. But you can change it if you want." He handed me the remote. "Watch whatever you want."

I looked at the guide so Jake wouldn't miss any key details if we ended up watching CSI anyway. "Tell me if you see anything interesting," I said, and started to scroll down. But like Jake said, there was nothing good on. We settled on CSI, but when the autopsy came on, I excused myself to go get drinks. A stupid excuse, maybe, but it got me out of the room. Jake laughed at my reaction to blood, but he didn't understand that I already had a weak stomach. Blood only made me nausea, worse than usual. So I did my very best to make sure I didn't see anything and I was completely out of earshot so I couldn't hear anything. Jake could laugh all he wanted. Me throwing up would make him realize how bad the illness was, even if it wasn't the flu or food poisoning or even morning sickness. It was worse because it was caused by anxiety and the sorrow that continued to wash over me.

We watched the CSI marathon for two hours before something else came on. Then we watched bull riding, another crime show, old movies, and whatever else we could find, switching back and forth so often that neither of us had any idea what was going on. Jake was laughing at my face as I tried to understand at least one part of the long list of shows we were watching. I rolled my eyes and went to grab Jane Eyre from my room after I threw up most of what I'd eaten. I was glad that Jacob was downstairs in the living room where he couldn't hear. My stomach was twisted in hunger again when I flopped down on the couch, book in hand. The scene reminded me of my days with Edward. Both of us on the couch. My back rested against one arm of the couch, legs over the back of the couch behind Edward's head. He always had the remote because I usually didn't pay much attention to what we were watching. Distantly, I would listen to figure out what we were watching as opposed to just looking. I was usually just staring at Edward or reading. Sometimes, I had my cell phone and texted my friends at home. At any smile or laugh, Edward would ask what was funny. We would talk, and I would end up shifting so my head was in his lap, and I could still see his face.

The feeling was different that time. It wasn't depression, worry, or anger even. It was sadness and longing for the memories I once had, longing for Edward to be with me, or at least for him to be happy. Wherever he was, he wasn't happy. And it probably wasn't because I wasn't there--he left, didn't' he? I was sad because he wasn't there and I wasn't with him. I closed my eyes when my stomach ache returned. My hand pressed to my stomach, I tried to ignore the feeling in the hopes that it would go away. But it continued to get worse. I ran upstairs to the bathroom when it was bad enough. I didn't excuse myself even. It was rude, yes, but there wasn't anything else I could do. Jake must have guessed anyway when I didn't return as quickly as I did when I went to get drinks. I grabbed my blanket and Edward's picture from my room on my way downstairs. The cruiser pulled into the driveway as I got another drink of water. The thought of being forced to go to counseling made me even more sick. I didn't want to accidentally let something slip, but my insomnia didn't help any. Maybe I was losing it in a way. Not losing my mind really. Just losing a part of myself that had kept me sane... But that part was Edward when he'd been a part of me. Now he wasn't. So maybe I just wasn't in my right mind due to insomnia.

"Hey, honey," Dad greeted when he walked inside. "Hi, Jake!" He smiled at me, but I could see the worry behind it. "You look pale. You okay?"

I rolled my eyes. "Dad, don't you already know the answer to that?" I asked, staring out the window. "Please, don't freak out. I just can't get over everything that fast and I'm really overwhelmed right now. I'm just not capable of moving on yet." Yeah, I would never be capable of moving on. Edward was the only thing that really mattered in life. He was the only thing that could be permanent. And now he wasn't even that. I sighed. "I'm not crazy either."

"I never said that, Timberlee!" Dad said, obviously frustrated by my continued argument that he thought I was crazy. But he obviously thought I was because I loved Edward. "I only want to try counseling, okay? If it doesn't work, fine, but we're trying it."

Usually I had my options. I wasn't used to being forced to do anything. Not like that. I closed my eyes in frustration. I couldn't do anything to feel better, and there was nothing anyone else could do. Not my father or a counselor. The only person who could help me was long gone. I leaned against the counter. My hunger made me light headed. I just wanted to lay in bed, to be in Edward's arms again, to hear his voice again. Why couldn't I just take a deep breath and get him out of my head for a few minutes? I'd been heartbroken before and it'd never been like this. I'd snapped right out of it, changed my hairstyle, and moved on. Now I didn't want to change anything at all. I knew why I couldn't move on though--I couldn't even breathe without Edward. How had I lived that long without him? How could I keep going? I would get through somehow because I wondered if Edward would come back someday, but it seemed so impossible from where I stood. The belief that impossible things happen everyday didn't bring much more hope than I already had; it was enough so that I could take three more breaths without the burning that usually came when I thought of him.

The healing process was slow. Physically anyway. It was almost nonexistent mentally and emotionally from what Edward had done to me. Physically, I began to heal from my car accident. My casts came off one at a time, and it made my visits with Jake easier when I could drive again. I drive my truck, stayed until dinner, and came home when it was dark. The counseling sessions were long, and I refused to answer any questions about Edward. So instead, we talked about my friends in LA, the car accident, Jake, how much I missed my mom and brother, my hobbies, and so on. By the second session, she knew not to even mention Edward. After three couch sessions, Charlie decided to let me stop when he saw that no progress was being made at all. I still teared up at the mention of Edward's name or flinched away as if someone had slapped me. Nothing was changing, so I was allowed to stop. I decided to fly home to LA one weekend. A visit with Mom and Phoebe would help me out. My trip was scheduled and my plane ticket was bought. I wasn't driving because Phoebe promised to help me look for a car to replace my Acura--I needed something to distract me.

I managed to sleep for a part of the flight from Seattle to Los Angeles. Mom picked me up from the airport. We drove straight home, and we were silent. So we hurried back to the house. The third floor of our house was entirely mine. I wanted to shower and settle in some, plus change into something a little cooler--shorts and a t-shirt maybe. Phoebe and three other friends were coming over to drag me out of my hole for a while if they could. We were going shopping at the mall, then I was going to Phoebe's house for a bit if we finished our trip to the mall early enough. She would easily be able to help me a little. She'd always been like that.

I smiled at my dog's excitement when they saw me. I had two. Sadah was a rottweiler, and Maggie was a boxer. They hadn't seen me in a long time. I showered as fast as I could, not wanting to give myself any time to think. Dressed in a pair of torn up shorts and a simple t-shirt, I hurried out to the curb and stepped into Phoebe's car. We hugged and I smiled at Katy, who was one of my best friends and my brother's girlfriend, Olivia, and Emily in the back seat. All three of them were good at finding something fun to do. They would somehow distract me. Great! Phoebe picked the three most likely to yank me out of depression and get me to laugh, smile, and probably trip a few times too.

I looked around at cars mostly on the way to the mall to see if I could make my second car shopping experience easier than when I bought my Acura. We stopped at the mall, parking as close as we could. Already I felt a little better, even though I was still thinking about Edward the entire time. What car would he smile when he saw me in, what car he would say no to immediately, what car he would have bought me... So far, I had a cute Audi in mind and a car from the '50s that was practically missile proof. That way, he didn't have to worry if I got into an accident. I wouldn't be hurt; I'd just be going to jail for murder when my car crushed the other one. Yeah, like he was worrying about me right now. It was his choice to leave, and that he did. I would have to move on now.

We ran into Macy's first. Phoebe dragging me all the way, arms linked so I couldn't escape to the security of a cheap thrift store--I didn't want to spend tons of money on myself like I would in Macy's. At first, my friends threw random articles of clothing towards me, which I caught reluctantly. Then I started looking around. I could put a smile and laugh at the jokes, but I could only remember the colors Edward liked on me. Black, blue, green mostly. Phoebe noticed what I was doing, but she didn't mention it. I knew she would bring it up when we were alone, ask why I was torturing myself. It was done unconsciously though.

The cameras came out once we were in the dressing room with loads of clothing, which we snuck in to get past the limit. We were in the handicapped dressing room so we were all together. It was cramped, but we were used to it from our previous shopping trips. I lost my balance a lot as I tried to pull on the different outfits I'd picked and especially the more sexy, flashy ones my girlfriends picked out. I leaned against the wall for a moment to regain my composure mostly. I'd never had any balance, so regaining it was impossible. Falling over seemed to be happening a lot more lately. Without Edward, I would fall over all the time. My clumsiness returned after a small delay due to my accident where I'd been extremely careful after. I sighed deeply, wondering if Edward would have laughed or asked if I was okay when he heard me hitting the wall of the dressing room. Or possibly both. I glanced at my friends when I felt the tears about to come. I had to stop them before they fell. "So what kind of car should I get?" I asked cheerfully.

"Mercedes," Olivia answered, spinning around in front of the mirror, which made the rest of us cringe away before we got hit with an elbow.

"No! You have to be the hot girl with the huge truck," Phoebe insisted. She grinned because she knew that'd been one of my plans to pick up guys before... She was trying to distract me and possibly hook me up with another guy. "Then you'll get some sexy high heeled boots. All the guys will stare when you step out, perfectly sculpted sexy leg. Yeah, so you."

I rolled my eyes, glaring at Phoebe. "Yeah, well, the last time Edward told me I looked sexy, I'd just went on a crazy long bike ride and probably smelled like onions," I muttered in annoyance, but then I laughed at the thought. A huge truck did sound nice. It cost about as much as my Acura did... And Edward was gone anyway, so why did I give a damn what he found sexy? I shrugged. "I want to give Michael my old truck maybe," I announced to change the subject. Everyone was looking at me with worry covering every inch of their face. "He needs a car now that he has his permit, and I won't ever use it after I get a new car. Or I could just buy him a whole new one..." I muttered thoughtfully.

"Buy him a new one!" Katy exclaimed, grinning at me. She knew how much Michael loved cars. "He'll love you forever if you do."

I nodded because I already knew that. Michael loved just about any car. I knew he always wanted a Mustang, so I made a mental note to look into buying him a recent model Mustang or maybe an antique... He'd love both as long as it was in good condition and didn't require too much to keep it running. I knew his favorite color was a tie between red and black, but any color would work if I couldn't find one in those two colors, and I knew I was just trying to distract myself by thinking of colors. Stupid me, but I could always have it painted it... Another way to distract myself.

"I'll have to borrow Mom's car to go look," I said, examining my reflection in the mirror. I looked absolutely horrible, but at least the tears had stopped. I could picture Edward's face in my mind still, but it was like there was a cloud of mist over it. It wasn't clear anymore, and that tortured me.

The shopping trip replaced all the clothes Edward took and it got me through another four hours without crying. We were walking into an Italian restaurant before the photographers caught sight of me. I answered their questions so they would leave me alone. By that point, I was used to yellow journalism, meaning them making a story out of nothing. The headline would be something like "Timberlee Stone's Accident Due to Alcohol or Drugs?" Then after reading the over dramatic account of what happened, the answer would come--no. I explained the accident, minus my delusions that Edward saved me. Then I smiled and I hurried away to go eat. I decided to pay to save everyone the trouble of trying to figure out what percentage we would all have to pay to get it even.

"So I looked into apartments in Forks or around there," Phoebe told us proudly. "I'm like ninety percent sure I'll be moving in a few months. So... Timberlee, you have to find me a boyfriend, okay?" She smiled because I'd told her about my friends in Forks. She'd also seen pictures of all of them too. So naturally, she was excited to meet them all, and I was excited to have her in Forks when she could help me through the worst days. She wouldn't mind. And she could never replace Edward, but she could distract me on the really bad days. Everyday was bad enough without Edward.

"We'll miss you so much!" Emily exclaimed. "We should all move to Forks maybe," she joked, but it wasn't funny to me. "Only I hate the rain!"

I smiled sadly. _If you were in love with a vampire, you wouldn't mind rain so much, _I thought. That's how it was for me. Rain reminded me of Edward, our short time together. Sun reminded me of the day I found out Edward was a vampire. It was the first time I'd seen him in the sun, and I finally knew why he never came out into the sunlight. I saw memories of Edward everyhwere I went. Even in Los Angeles. I could still hear his voice over the phone when James changed course to come after me. I remembered how he kissed my wrist before he sucked my blood clean of James' venom. I still had the scar, and I ran my fingers along it thoughtfully. It was just barely lighter and colder than the rest of my arm.

Horrors in Forks of when he left me. Horrors in LA of before when he saved me from James. I couldn't live or breathe without him, but I had to. I suddenly longed for home--Forks. Forks was my home now. I wanted to be as close to Edward as I could, and I couldn't do that in Los Angeles because we never spent much time there due to the sun. I knew he wanted to meet all my friends, but the blazing sun made it hard, and all two hundred of them couldn't fly to Forks to meet him, so he'd never met them.

I closed my eyes, but I couldn't block out the word that constantly cut into me--no. "I'm gonna go to the bathroom really fast," I announced, and jumped up. I knew Phoebe was following me, but that made me run faster. I didn't want to cry in fromt of her. Not because I was embarrassed; I just didn't want to let my friends and family down anymore. I was stronger than that. Bad things had happened to me before, but I'd never cried for so long. I couldn't let go and I never would. I was alive. Edward was alive--vampires couldn't die, and I could feel the breaths he took. They were the same as mine. We were both alive, even if I hardly felt alive anymore. There was a reason we were both alive. There was a small chance, even if it got smaller everyday, that I would see Edward again, and another chance that we would be as in love as ever when we did see each other again. But there was a larger possibility that I would somehow find a way to forget and Edward would never come back.

I entered the bathroom, breathless and shaking. It was empty. I folded my arms and pressed my forearms into my stomach, hoping it would help. My head bowed in defeat, I slid dwon to the ground, leaning my back against the wall. I just couldn't. I wasn't as strong as I thought. I couldnt' go on without Edward. Not like this. Not anymore.

Phoebe knelt beside me when she entered. She stroked my hair. No words were spoken to comfort me, and her presence didn't help as much as it should have. It helped only a little. It told me I was still loved, even if Edward was gone. It told me I wasn't alone. But I didn't need to be with just anyone or loved by just anyone. I needed Edward to be there, and Edward's love.

My breath was shaky and weak when I found it again. It burned my throat still. It felt like I'd been screaming for hours, and on the inside, I was. Screaming for Edward, screaming for the pain to be gone, for my heart to beat wildly again, just screaming.

Phoebe hugged me until I was able to make the tears stop. I wiped my eyes, but it never helped. That time wasn't any different. "How long do I have to cry before it goes away?" I whispered, resting my head on Phoebe's shoulder. "I can't do this. I can't push anymore. I just can't. It hurts too much. And it's like whenever I start getting better, he pulls me back again. It's like he doesn't even want me to get better. He's trying to drown me or something, trying to break me even more than he already has, and he won't just leave me alone."

Phoebe rubbed my arm. "You can do this, Tim," she told me, and we glanced up together when the bathroom door opened. "You just have to believe, honey. Don't think about him anymore. Don't think twice. Just go. Stop running. Walk a while and see what happens," she said, and I knew what she meant.

I shook my head. "He saved me," I told her, even if she couldn't understand the words that followed: "So many times. And now it doesn't even matter. If he just let that stupid car smash me, I wouldn't ever have felt that way, and now I wouldn't feel like this. I trusted him. And as always, I end up hurt," I mumbled. Phoebe had no idea about Edward's family being vampires. So she couldn't understand the car accident part, but she probably assumed it was due to insomnia or maybe she thought it was a metaphor, but she never mentioned it.

"Remember what I told you when you left him?" Phoebe asked.

I tried to remember, but everything was clouded. It was like I was blind. Edward took everything from me and left me pain. It wasn't much of a trade. I couldn't remember anything or think of anything but him. And the nightmare of him being tortured as I was didn't help. I wanted to be strong for him. But what good would that do when I had no idea where he was or if the sadness I saw in him had anything to do with me. For all I knew, Alice had died or Carlisle... No, vampires couldn't die. There was some other reason for him to be sad; I was sure it wasn't me or he would have come back. If I wasn't in Forks, there was only one other place I would be, and that was LA. He could have called me or emailed me. He wasn't crying for me. I knew that.

Phoebe hugged me as I came to that realization or belief. "I told you a broken heart means deeper feelings, and a wound means there's room for healing," she told me gently. "And that still goes. I know it hurts and I know you two were madly in love. I could tell that whenever I called you and I heard Edward laugh just because you were laughing. You can heal from this. If getting Edward back is the only way, then you'll do that. You're a fighter. I knew that from day one of this friendship. Edward knows that. We all do. So keep fighting."

"I can't. I can't even remember his face, and I have a picture of him with me all the time," I cried.

"You'll find a way. Or Edward will send it to you, okay? Believe me. I know he loves you. And I know you'll get through it. You'll remember it and you'll love him so much that you'll get through this. I know that." I shook my head distantly. How could I remember anything? Edward was torturing me and he was hurt. That was all I could think about. And Edward left. He didn't care. Phoebe didn't understand because she hadn't seen his face before he left. She didn't know that I asked him to take me with him, and she didn't know that he'd refused. He'd refused with this hatred there, like I'd done something unforgivable. I shook my head again and started sobbing again. All I wanted was Edward, not a Bentley or all the money in the world. It seemed like such a simple request because I had him once before. I didn't have to win him over before. I just had him. I'd always had him, and he'd always had me. I didn't know how to win him. I didn't know if that was what I had to do. I didn't know if I could, if I was strong enough, or if I could ever do that if I was strong enough. I knew I would try damn hard. I would give it everything I had left. I would spend my whole life searching if I could see Edward one more time before I died. At that point, I wanted to see him happy most of all. No more misery for him. I could live in hell if he was happy. If he left me to find happiness somewhere else, fine. I just had to know he was happy, and I didn't know that. I was sure he couldn't be happy, but I was sure it wasn't because of me. What I would have given for him to call me "Ma Vie" again, once more. Happiness seemed nonexistent in both of us now.


	12. Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven

There had always been that moment in time where the past met the present and another where the present met the future. Those moments connected a life, whatever kind it was and whoever lived it. They all felt the same to me. I didn't know when my past turned into the present or when my present became the future. It was all the same to me--pointless without Edward and helpless without the chance to help myself, which I couldn't do without Edward.

It was six in the morning, but I couldn't sleep. I'd been up all night writing songs. I knew Ted would be pleased if I recorded a CD with him. It would make him lots of money, and I would make some too. That wasn't the point though. I just wanted to hear Edward saying something other than what he always said in my dreams--no. Even in the dreams where he was tortured, now he said no. Same tone, same pained expression, same forced voice. I needed to hear him call my name. I needed to see his smile. Music made me feel closer to him--it was one thing we had in common. Even though he was wherever and I was in LA, waiting through life to get to a point where I could see him again. If that point ever came. I hoped.

I began looking at cars for both myself and Michael online until I found him the perfect Mustang. It passed time, it made me feel a little better to know my life had some small purpose, even if it was one as stupid as buying my fifteen year old brother a car he couldn't legally drive yet. Not that that would stop him. Mom agreed to let me borrow her car to go buy my new car and Michael's. I was picking up Phoebe, and Mom was coming too. She would drive us to buy the 2008 black Mustang for Michael. I would drive it to look at a Ford F-150 for myself--a change that was still like me. It _had_ been my idea to step out of the car and be the totally unexpected girl in the leather boots with spike heels. So it wasn't too much of a change in case Edward did come back eventually. I somehow doubted it. If I ended up buying the Ford, Phoebe would drive the mustang, and I would drive my truck home to go surprise Michael. Phoebe and Mom had both agreed to the plan, even if it was a little complicated, probably more complicated than it needed to be. But I didn't care. It kept me distracted.

So I got dressed in a pair of black skinny jeans, a gray shirt, and my All Star Converse. Casual and I didn't care if I looked like crap--I felt like that too. Ready for Mom to suggest we stop by the mall to shop, I tucked my credit card into my back pocket. We picked up Phoebe at her house, which was conveniently on the way to look at the Mustang. I hugged her, happy to see her, as always. For the past few days, she'd kept me sane and I'd gotten through the day without any tears, even if I cried late at night. It didn't matter. It was progress, even while the hole inside me remained. I sat in the back seat to give Phoebe shot gun.

Two hours later, I had a beautiful burgundy 2009 Ford F-150 and Michael had a black 2008 Ford Mustang, even if he didn't know it yet. Reckless spending, yeah, but I could smile. We were on our way back to my house to show Michael, totally surprise him until I could smile the most genuine smile yet. Then Phoebe and I were going to look at some homecoming dresses for next year--the earlier we got the dress, the less likely it would be that someone else had the same dress. I wasn't planning to go, but it would be fun if I kept my mind open. And Phoebe wanted to test out the high heel boot thing with my new truck, see how many "digits" she could get. I laughed so hard my stomach hart when she told me that. Maybe LA was the place I should have stayed, but the longing for home remained and I knew I would soon return to Forks.

Mom covered Michael's eyes from behind him while I led the way to the front yard. Katy sat on the hood of Michael's new Mustang, trying not to laugh at the look on my face. I was laughing, and feeling a little better again for one second, and that was enough. It was the first time I felt confident enough to get through this. "Okay, let him see, Ma," I said, bursting with a new excitement. I wasn't excited to live, like I had been with Edward, but any excitement was a good thing.

Michael stared, eyebrows raised once Mom moved her hands. "It's for you," I announced, tossing him the keys with a grin. "Consider it a late birthday present or an early Christmas present. And don't wreck it, don't get caught driving without a license, and don't break curfew," I listed, hugging him as he continued to stare.

"Are you serious? You got me a Mustang?"

I nodded. "Yeah... I kinda touched my trust fund for the first time," I replied. I hated my biological parents, but I had the trust fund. Why not blow the money on things I didn't need? It would help me for two minutes, and that was good enough for me. Michael was still trying to figure out if I was joking or not, but I could see how he was playing with his keys in temptation.

"Go on, baby," Mom said, but she was crying. Obviously worried about Michael driving alone with only his permit. "Start it up, go around the block. Just don't wreck! Please, for the love of God."

Michael grinned at me. Katy got into the passenger's seat and they drove off. I allowed myself a laugh when I heard Michael yell something out the window as he started down the road, speeding already. Mom hugged my shoulders. Partly happy, partly too weak to stand on her own due to worry--Michael had this strange idea that he could get away with anything. "That was so nice of you," she told me. "I just hope he's careful."

I nodded. "He will be, Ma," I promised to ease her fears. Michael was a good driver, just obsessed with speed. "Let's get going, Pheebs," I said with a grin at her old nickname. "We should get a pedicure or something too." I didn't have to lead Phoebe to my truck, she was dragging me with her four inch heels in hand. I guess I had believed she wasn't serious about the boot thing until then. Wow... The leather seats in my truck still smelled new, really good! Not like Edward, as my Acura had, but I loved the way leather smelled. It was a good change. The truck was huge! Definitely me. A feminine color--burgundy like my Acura--while a huge, manly truck. And by the look on Phoebe's face, she actually planned to meet a boyfriend this way too. As long as she didn't try to hook me up, that was fine with me.

With a smile, I rolled down the windows and plugged in my iPod. I turned the volume all the way up. I laughed suddenly, selecting the band Muse. Phoebe jumped at the sudden start of one of my favorite Muse songs, "Supermassive Black Hole". I laughed again, remembering the old times. Yeah, LA was a good change, but I was bound to have a huge breakdown after all the smiles and giggling. We sang along with the song as we drove towards another shopping center.

Everyone's attention was on us as we pulled up, which was Phoebe's hope and she made that very clear when she forced me to roll up the windows so they couldn't see we were female. The feeling of unaliveness had suddenly returned to me. I decided that it wasn't like I was dead because my heart was technically still beating, even if it felt weak--weak because it had no reason to beat without Edward. I didn't feel alive. More tears came to my eyes, and they came close to falling as I turned off my truck's near silent engine. I ignored them, forcing them back without even realizing it.

Edward's face flashed in my mind then. There were boys watching, and Phoebe waved at them. I couldn't even smile, and that probably ruined Phoebe's plan. I scanned the shadows, actually expecting Edward to be there, then I sighed and let it go--he wasn't there. I linked arms with Phoebe because her look told me she was worried. "So, uh, when are you moving to Forks?" I asked Phoebe to distract myself. "Any set date?"

"Not yet. Before school starts at Forks High though since I have to finish high school. We're gonna have classes together. Oh, god, I can't wait! What's the plan for the rest of the day though?" Phoebe was good at distracting me. One topic to the next before I had a half second to think about Edward. But she couldn't wait to move to Forks because she loved rain. Rain was associated with Edward.

"Not sure. Might trim my hair, and Mom wants to get my eyes checked. She thinks I need glasses. They've been blurry all day, and she won't believe me when I say that it's from crying so much," I replied with a small smile. "I've been avoiding it. I don't really want to change anything. I guess I'm scared that Edward will come back and I'll have changed so much that he won't love me. I dunno. My judgment is obviously crooked and wrong, and... insane."

Phoebe squeezed my hand. "He will," she promised. "Who couldn't love you? Don't change too much though, okay? I don't want to lose my friend!"

I shook my head. "You won't. But I feel like I keep losing a new part of myself. Or more like I did lose a part and now I keep losing more or something. Edward took so much and most of it wasn't even his to take," I said quietly, finding it hard to breathe again. It hurt to breathe. And I wasn't even talking about the pictures he took or the memories. I was talking about my strength and my happiness. Had he not even considered what this would do to me? Or did he even care? I didn't know, and did it really matter? He was gone. Period.

We went to Starbucks to chat after a trip through the shopping center. Phoebe didn't know much about my nightmares, but I knew she would eventually find out. I always told her everything, which made keeping Edward's secret from her extremely hard. Especially after he'd hurt me. Part of me wanted to lash out and hurt him back. But he left, right? As far as I knew, he didn't give a damn about me anymore. Lashing out wouldn't hurt him. I sighed. "It's like he wants to torture me, like I said before, but then I always see him hurting. I know he needs me, and I want to be there for him, but I can't. It's confusing and none of it makes sense to me. I just don't know what to say. It's like... when I see him hurting, it's just another way to hurt me," I explained when we drifted to the topic of my nightmares. "That's worse than not having him when I need him--not being there for him when I know he needs me. And I know that sounds completely crazy, but I can't help still loving him, and maybe I am crazy."

"So fight twice as hard to get by. If you gave up, what would that do to him? How would he feel?"

I frowned, about to burst into tears. This was worse than a therapy session because Phoebe knew what questions to ask. I looked down at my hands. "He would blame himself," I concluded finally, and I knew he would. He had the most over sensitive conscious there was. Or at least I thought he did. Maybe that part of him had also changed with the monster.

"Then do it for him. Get through for him. You can do that. You're strong enough _because _you love him."

I nodded thoughtfully. Edward's love me gave me most of my strength, but loving him gave me a small amount of strength too. It gave me a tiny bit of hope. But no more than that. Loving him was the most I could do in that situation. Love him with everything I had, fight with everything, and I would fail a few times, but that didn't matter if I got through in the end. I sighed and pulled out the wallet. "My treat," I told Phoebe with a small smile. "As payment for your advice."

"Ah, you're so sweet!" Phoebe exclaimed, and I managed a small laugh.

We got our frappaccinos and switched for a few seconds so we could try the other's. And then we hurried to our favorite shoe store. My iPod on, one earphone in my left ear, the other in Phoebe's right, I walked at a slower pace than usual so she could keep up. It seemed I'd started walking much faster, at a pace that could match Edward's long legs. I didn't cry at that realization, only paused for a moment to breathe in how much it hurt to see how much he'd changed me. "We should find a concert to go to," I told Phoebe as we separated to go look at shoes--we were different sizes. "Any you know of?"

"Nope. Sorry. I lost track with finals and all," Phoebe admitted. "These are adorable!" She held up a pair of flat boots with a unique silver buckle on the side. "But I'm broke after yesterday," she muttered, and I knew she was trying to manipulate me into buying them for her.

Lucky for her, it was a little too easy. "I'll buy 'em," I replied, rolling my eyes.

"You are way too generous, but... since you offered, okay! Thanks so, so, so much!" Phoebe exclaimed, sitting to try them on.

I smiled at her. But my thoughts were on Edward again. I was unusually clumsy, but I could wear heels anyway as long as I didn't mind tripping a few extra times. I would end up crying every time I did trip though--Edward always used to catch me before it was even obvious that I'd tripped. I couldn't let myself fall apart. Giving Michael a Mustang helped me feel better. Not alive or even good. Just better, and that was enough. I shook my head to try to get Edward out of my head and moved onto look at Converse--mine were old and falling apart.

Phoebe ended up picking out seven pairs of shoes for me to try on behind my back. That made me long to talk to Alice. I found it amazing how little thought I'd given her compared to Edward, even if I'd thought of her, but I knew they would have understood if they were there. If I ever saw them again, which I doubted.

I sighed in frustration as I tried on the shoes. Phoebe had my camera in hand and was taking pictures of me as I walked up the aisle, testing all the shoes. Half of them were stilettos, and Alice had spent forever trying to get me into that kind of shoe. I wasn't up to complaining or arguing though. Not this time. I would only end up bursting into tears. I just needed to force Edward and Alice, and all the Cullens out of my mind for a little while, and I doubted that would ever work. But I would try anything if it would help me a little. A little was enough after a month of no progress. I just needed to hear his voice say something. Anything at all, besides no.

We stayed at the mall until it closed, then I dropped Phoebe off at her house. I would have invited her to spend the night over at my house, but I wanted time alone to think. She understood, of course--she always did. So I hugged her from the driver's seat of my truck, waited until she was inside before I started home.

Ted was usually the one to cook in our house after I moved out because mom liked to experiment and few of her recipes ended up being edible. But I decided to give Ted a break and make beef stew while he was busy in his office. Michael arrived home earlier than he usually did, and he hugged me from the side. I was amazed to see he was taller than me already. "Thanks a ton! World's Best Big Sis," he said, testing the soup for me, despite my glare.

I managed a smile. "Actually, I got it for pretty cheap," I replied, even though it was technically a lie. "But you're welcome anyway."

"Not really supposed to drive it yet since I only have my permit," he mumbled, sounding disappointed.

"Just don't get pulled over," I told him, and served myself a bowl of stew. I smiled at Michael one more time before I hurried upstairs to my room. I set my bowl on the nightstand and grabbed my notebook and a pen. So far, all my songs were about Edward specifically or for him. Slowly, I wrote four more songs for previous boyfriends too. I took a bite of my stew every few minutes until it was gone, and then I moved to my piano. It was right in front of my fireplace. I set the words to the side and started playing, writing the notes as I went.

It took most of the night, but I recorded each song in my makeshift recording studio. I burned four copies of the CD and labeled them all, "Timberlee Stone: Songs of a Broken Heart". After two hours of sleep, I woke up and I decided it was time to start my drive back to Forks. I wasn't going to stay around another day to get my eyes checked or cut my hair. I didn't care and I wasn't strong enough to deal with anymore change right now. I slipped the first CD under Ted's office door on my way downstairs with the last of my bags from my shopping trips.

The drive to Forks, Washington, from LA, California, took two days usaully. I'd made the drive several times before. It was six AM when I pulled out of the driveway--I couldn't stand it any longer, not even until Mom woke up. I wanted to be where Edward had been with me. I wanted to be near him. I wasn't able to do that in LA, not that I didn't try. I did. I just needed to be in my bedroom in Forks where we spent so many nights staying up and talking.

On the ride home, I cried freely. Mom would want to know why I left early, but it wouldn't be too hard to explain. I just needed Forks because that was where I'd met Edward, where we grew close, and where we fell apart, whenever that happened.

I spent the night in my truck, sleeping in the parking lot of a closed grocery store for a few hours before I got back on the highway. Dangerous, but I could never sleep and falling asleep wasn't really possible because the fear of my nightmares forced me stay awake. It was the second day of my drive before my phone rang. It wasn't Mom crying with worry or Dad yelling as I thought it would be. It was Ted calling about how one of the biggest record companies in LA--they wanted to sign a deal with me. I pulled over so I could scream without wrecking my new truck. He said he'd work out the details and call me back. I was only supposed to keep writing and be prepared for another flight back to LA to meet the producer and so on.

I hung up and tossed my phone into the passenger's seat. Hands gripping the wheel tightly, I allowed myself a smile. Only a smile. No scream in excitement as I would have before Edward left and as I thought I would have. And it was all because I was worried about Edward's reaction. I let out a slow, shaky breath and got back on the highway towards Forks. I didn't speed, but I wanted to go by Edward's house again. I knew what to expect there now. It wouldn't hurt me so much, and I could still feel closer to him there. He wasn't there, but a part of him was. I knew he would return someday because he had been to Forks before when he was still a young vampire. He would come back, and I might be dead when he did, but I knew he would recognize my writing anyway.

With everyone in Forks staring at my new truck, I drove straight to Edward's house. I cried out in the pain I felt when I saw it, so dark and empty, covered in ferns. It hurt worse than I thought it would, but I wasn't going to ru. I would never survive if I couldn't face this head on. I grabbed my notebook and a pen from the backseat and ran through the rain to the front door. Empty. Emptiness inside of me. I bowed my head on the front porch, trying to remember what the house had looked like before. But it didn't work, so I sighed and continued up to Edward's room.

Back against the wall and legs crossed, I started to write. I didn't know if Edward would ever get the letter, but I knew it would at least make me feel like I could still talk to him. Even if he didn't reply. I sighed when the letter sounded like someone Edward wouldn't recognize. So formal and distant. I crumpled it up, threw it aside, positioned myself so I was laying on my stomach, feet in the air, and I began again.

Edward,  
You told me that when enough time passed, it would be like you never existed. But did you really think I could forget so easily? Or even at all? Did you think I would let myself forget the happiest time of my life? I won't ever forget, no matter what. I'm not like that. I'll find a way to remember, and not even you can stop me. Not like this. I'm not writing to discuss what happened between us necessarily--I still don't know what did happen. I'm writing because I need to talk like we used to, and I know that I'll bring up everything a dozen times, but I don't care. It's something I have to do before I do my best to move on, giving it everything I have left.

I made my first CD and I'm going to sign a record deal maybe. I know Ted called in multiple favors, but it doesn't matter to me. I'm still glad. Not happy. I can't be happy just yet, but I'm getting closer, and I hope that makes you happy somehow--I've been having nightmares about you being miserable, and I don't want that, not even now. I'm not sure why I'm getting closer or how because you're still gone, and I'm still not giving in the hope that you'll return to me someday. But I won't give in either, ever. Not like this. I don't want to tour, but when Phoebe moves to Forks--she's going to soon--she can help me make music videos for fun. Something to kill time and keep my mind off the thoughts of what happened. See, if I remember only the good times, there would never be a problem. That's all I want to remember. But in remembering the good, I'm forced to remember the bad too. It's complicated, I guess. I hope you'll understand that.

Anyway. When Ted called me, I couldn't allow myself any joy because I wasn't sure if you would approve of the person I've become. I feel like I'm one of the animals whose blood you drink. You're slowly draining the life from me. I can't believe that was ever your intention, but I wish I knew why you left. I wish I could live as I did before I met you. That's not possible though. Before, I held onto the belief that true love would find me. Well, it did. You were my true love. And I guess you still are, but it doesn't matter if you don't love me back. I found it and I lost it, which leaves me with nothing left to believe in. I wish I could be happy. Then, just maybe, I could feel human. I know how you feel now. I've turned into a monster somehow. Unable to escape, unable to move on--frozen. You know exactly how I feel, and that's all I can say about that. I want to be with you again. Even as you drain the life from my body, I still remember how you gave me life because that's the most important part. Without you, I would be dead. You saved my life for whatever reason you had. It was love then, and maybe you regret it now, but I owe you my life still. I could never forget that. I could never forget you, so don't forget me. Please? And come back someday.

Here's a copy of my CD.

All my love, strength, hope, and life--you're everything to me, even in absence.

-Timberlee

I sighed deeply, closing my eyes as I folded up the letter carefully--I didn't want to get a paper cut because that would drive Edward mad. I sealed the letter with a kiss, literally, and left it on the floor with my CD on top of it so it wouldn't blow away with the wind, as Edward had. I left then. To stop the tears--it hurt to leave when I'd felt so close to Edward for the first time since he left--I blasted out my music to stop any regret or pain that might come as I started down his long, winding driveway. I sang along to make sure I never debated if I should go back and rip up the letter, take the CD so it wouldn't ever hurt him, make him realize what he'd done to me. But nothing could stop my tears as hard as I tried. I missed Edward so much, and I could never move on. I was stuck in time, like he was, but I wasn't immortal. Time would end, and I would die with it.


	13. Chapter 12

Chapter Twelve

I was greeted by Billy when I reached home. I smiled at him and accepted a hug from Charlie. I knew he had already heard my news about the CD, but he looked worried, which should have become normal by now. I knew it was because he could see the wear on my face, the exhaustion I felt from writing Edward a letter, even if I hadn't cried as much as I thought I would. There was really no reason for Charlie to worry--I wasn't feeling any worse than usual, and I probably looked better. "Where's Jake?" I asked Billy.

"At home asleep. He was up all night," Billy answered.

"I'm gonna drive Billy home, honey. You want me to pick up dinner on the way back?" Dad asked, arm still around me.

"No. No. I'll just put together some lasagna or something," I said, and watched them leave. I closed my eyes for a moment. I was glad to be alone then. I wanted to cook dinner and unpack. Listening to Killswitch Engage on my iPod, I started making dinner. Between the steps, I read a book called _Riding Lessons_ by Sara Gruen. It was a strange story, but there was some romance in it. It didn't make me feel alive, and I hated love triangles, but it reminded me of what I'd once had with Edward, even if it was nothing like our relationship. It reminded me of what I'd lost when he left.

Only in_ Riding Lessons_, it was a modern romance between two adults, and there was a third party to add to the love triangle. It wasn't some fictional book that Edward and I stepped out of. No vampires or opposing werewolves. It was just a simple romance in my eyes. So I read on, trying to find any tiny detail to make my heart pound, but none of it worked, so I finished dinner and went upstairs with my plate in hand. Tossing my book aside, I sat at my computer. Since no book seemed to have an accurate story on how love really was--it wasn't a victory march at all; it was a broken, horrible thing, but the best thing ever--I began to write my own book. It wouldn't have vampires--I'd already decided that. But I wanted to prove that young people could love, and they could put a definite point when they felt it. I wanted to make this love last longer than the few memories I had with Edward. I didn't know how this story would end though because there was no ending to my story yet. I decided to write and write until the end came or until I hit a block. I couldn't finish a true story when the real version was still being lived though. I was still in the same pain as when Edward left, it would never leave. I could have ended the book with some happy, beautiful lines. But that wasn't love at all. It rarely had a happy ending, and I was proof of that.

I glanced out the window when I heard the cruiser return. I allowed myself a small smile when Charlie stopped to examine my Ford F-150. He had a thing for cars, and I made a note to look into surprising him with an awesome Mercedes or something. He kicked my tires a few times and looked through the windows to see the interior. I watched him continue the examination as if he was trying to see how safe the car was. Nothing was safe for me. He should have figured that out when I wrecked my Acura. Then he walked inside.

I scanned my play list on iTunes to find something to help me think. I heard Charlie's footsteps on the stairs, and I knew he was coming to talk to me. The knock on my door made me jump anyway--I was so used to Edward appearing through my window. Dad hardly ever came to talk to me once I shut the door for the night. "Come in," I called distantly, pausing my music.

Charlie walked in and handed me a cup of water, clearing his throat. "Your mom called me about the record deal," he explained, sitting on the edge of my bed. "You always had a good voice. I'm proud of you, honey."

"Um... thanks," I said awkwardly.

"And be careful with the new car, okay?" Charlie muttered, tossing one of my pillows out of his way. He sighed, and that told me he had more to say. Part of me wondered if it had something to do with Edward. There was something more on his mind, but why would it be Edward? I was the only one who hadn't moved on yet. Even Edward had... "How was LA?" Charlie asked, breaking into my thoughts.

I finally realized what he was doing. He knew that counseling didn't help, so talking to someone I knew could have a different effect. Dad was trying to help me, and I did appreciate it. But I didn't think anything would ever help me more than anything I'd already tried. "It was nice," I replied, turning to face him. "I spent a lot of time with Phoebe, got arrested for a bar fight and drunk and disorderly conduct. Then after smoking some marijuana, I bought Michael a Mustang," I said sarcastically, grinning.

Dad rolled his eyes. "Your mom mentioned the car too," he said, and stood. "Anyway... Hang in there, hon. It gets easier."

"Yeah, right," I mumbled. It didn't get easier as far as I could see. I was silent after that. I didn't say all of what was on my mind. Dad left. I saw the Advil he left with the cup of water on my nightstand. So he obviously wasn't worried about me overdosing. He trusted me, and that brought me close to tears again, just for a different reason than usual. I frowned, turned back to my computer, and took a deep breath. Instead of continuing with my book, I logged onto my email. Mom'd already sent me twelve. They dated back to when I broke my old computer. In most of them, she was emotional and crazy with worry. I replied the three most recent from Mom and two from Phoebe. I told her about my news of the possible CD, which would make her scream since I didn't. I exclaimed my progress with the whole damn situation, and it wasn't much or any at all, but I tried to make it sound better than it was. Not because I wanted to lie; I just didn't want anyone to worry. I needed something to change, something that would occupy my mind, and for that _one _thing to not occupy my mind. I wanted to feel strong enough to get through, or just strong enough to not cry. I couldn't even do that.

I checked my Facebook then. Michael was online, so we talked some. He told me about his date with Katy coming up. He claimed he was going to spend the night making out with her in his Mustang, which made me smile. Not laugh, but a smile was something. I made it through the night without crying until it came time for me to go to bed. And then the emotions overwhelmed me as I laid down with my picture of Edward. I couldn't control myself anymore. I needed to cry out of happiness about the CD and I needed to cry in pain because Edward was still gone, no closer than he had been before.

Curled in a ball, I started humming my lullaby quietly to myself. It didn't help. It wasn't the same as when Edward used to hum it to me, and it only magnified the fact that he was gone. The tears escaped my closed eyes. I couldn't do it that night, not that time. I just needed to cry then. I couldn't stop them, and I didn't care.

Through my sobs, I whispered Edward's name over and over again until I fell asleep. For the first time, I never heard Edward's voice refusing to take me with him in my dream and he wasn't tortured. My dream was still just as bad somehow. I was running through a crowd of people. I was trying to find Edward, and I knew he was somewhere in that crowd. Up ahead of the crowd was a patch of sunlight, and I knew Edward was going to step into it, but I didn't know why. I didn't know what the situation was other than a large crowd and the sun, and that Edward was there. "Edward!" I yelled, pushing through the crowd as fast as I could. I didn't have time to fall over. Something had sent this panic through me, and I jumped into a fountain to cut off the time it would have taken to get around it. "Edward!" I screamed, desperate and frantic. Something was wrong. It wasn't my usual need for him this time. It was something worse.

I woke up to the sound of Dad's alarm clock across the hallway. My horrible dream had left me able to wake up before I wanted to. I'd wanted to see how the dream ended and how Edward reacted when he saw me. I sighed deeply, breathing heavily. I was unable to sleep anymore. In some way, that was the worst nightmare yet. I squinted as Dad switched on the hall light. Usually, my bedroom door was closed over night. Trooper, Charlie's dog, didn't like the smell of my room--Edward's smell announced that he was a predator. I noticed that Trooper was there. The fact that he was asleep at the end of my bed meant that Edward's scent was fading. It wasn't that I didn't like Trooper. I loved dogs! But it meant that Edward was fading, another part of him was fading. I couldn't take it.

It was four in the morning. Dad had to get up insanely early for work that day. I rolled over to free myself from the hot covers and Trooper was sleeping on my feet too. I hugged Edward's pillow closely, breathing in the air that smelled just like him. It could have been a delusion since Trooper was there and Edward wasn't. Dad peeked in my room and whistled to wake Trooper up. I opened my eyes and Trooper looked up. "Let's go outside, boy," Dad called in a whisper. "Sorry for waking you, honey."

"No, I was already awake," I lied quietly, remembering how desperate I sounded in my dream. I really wished Charlie's alarm hadn't woken me--it usually didn't. But the desperation in my voice had me alert, waiting for something. Like I was waiting for Edward to reply, even though I knew he wouldn't. So the alarm woke me instead. I glanced at Trooper when he stretched and finally got out of my bed, which immediately made me feel cooler. He grunted, like he always did. I rubbed my eyes, but it didn't help the heaviness, so I gave in. I curled up into a ball, hugging the two pieces of Edward I had left--the picture and the pillow.

I heard Dad let Trooper out before he returned upstairs to get ready for work. I could never go back to sleep after he woke me up, as much as I wanted to. I wanted to see the end of the dream, see if I found Edward. I closed my eyes in exhaustion so Charlie would think I was asleep. I just wanted to know that my Edward was all right. I had to know if he was okay or not. Or maybe the dream was symbolic of my tortured past month and the torture I still felt. I was running so fast, screaming out his name, and he was nowhere to be seen. Only my voice in the dream sounded so much more desperate than I felt. My dream was haunting. I couldn't let this dream come true like the others had. I dreamt he would leave me, and he did. Now I had another dream to torment me until I discovered the real meaning and reason. That it did. I kept my eyes closed and it was to stop the tears. When the bathroom water started running, I rolled over so I was facing my wall that had formerly been covered in memories of myself and Edward. Now it was almost empty, and I felt as empty as ever, the hole inside me was growing. And it was all because I didn't know what to think of my nightmares now.

Dreams weren't just dreams to me. Some of mine came true. Usually, it was tiny, pointless details that faded from memory before they came true, but then I remembered them when they did. With Edward, the dreams were different. It wasn't small details, but they weren't really big either. They were just details in a huge situation that changed every point of my life, and I could never forget them. I could just dwell on them until I knew why I kept having these horrible dreams.

When the shower was turned off, I slowed my breathing and quieted my sobs. I didn't want Dad to hear me. I wanted to move on physically, even if I couldn't mentally. I wanted to convince other people that I was okay in the hopes that I would convince myself in the process. But that would never happen either. I turned my pillow over when the pool of tears got bad enough to bother me.

Trooper joined me again once he was let inside the house. I wanted to make him leave because his presence only reminded me of Edward's absence. But I was supposed to be asleep, so I ignored him and let the silent tears fall. I was glad they were silent because Charlie was still able to hear me from his room. His rooms were better than I liked.

Again, time felt the same, and my clock was behind me, so I couldn't be sure how early or late it was when Dad peeked in again. I pretended to be asleep and bit back the sobs. My eyes were pressed shut as hard as I could only because I didn't want to see the emptiness of my all. I didn't want to feel that stab of pain when I saw Edward's love letters were gone. I couldn't take anymore. Not then. And I couldn't be sure the letters ever existed without them there. That tortured me as much as the dreams and as much as Edward's absence in my life when he'd promised so many times never to leave me.

I had once considered myself strong. I'd been through some things that I could have never imagined before. A school shooting where I was the target and my parents were the shooters--my biological parents. Instead of killing me, nineteen others lost their lives. I'd been raped. I once considered myself strong for getting through those things, but I couldn't live without Edward. It made me realize that I wasn't as strong as I once believed. Maybe not weak--no one could be weak if they lived through life, and technically I was still living. But not strong either. Just an average girl in an average life with all the heartbreak possible, and when I looked at the picture of myself and Edward, it was so obvious that he was out of my league. I didn't deserve him, but I still wanted him and I still loved him.

When the cruiser was gone, I got up. I opened iTunes and turned on Three Days Grace. I wanted something loud, making it hard to think. Turning it up, I trudged downstairs to make a list of groceries to get. A trip to Port Angeles--even though there was a grocery store in Forks--would get me through another day. An hour long drive there, an hour back. And we were just about out of every kind of food there was, even flour.

My grocery list was much longer than needed, but I wanted to cook a ton. It would pass any extra time, and I made a goal to find a motorcycle for Jake too so he could go riding with me--I had mine hidden still. I needed to find a new hiding place for mine too, and why not a car fanatic who probably has parts everywhere anyway? Motorcycle, groceries, books, CDs, movies, even toys for Trooper, all on my list. I spent more time thinking about what unneeded things I could get in the hopes of getting Edward out of my mind, but mostly I just wanted to forget how desperate I sounded when I was calling Edward's name. It made my desperation for him grow. I needed him so much. And nothing seemed to help anymore. I couldn't get him out of my head.

And I didn't even want Edward out of my mind necessarily. I just wanted to forget about the dreams from hell. I wanted to forget that Edward--the monster. I only wanted to dwell on the man I loved. I didn't want to be angry with him and deep down, I knew I was. I hated him. I wanted to love him so much that the fury didn't grow as time went on and he still let me suffer. I couldn't let myself hate him. That would truly be the end for me. I had to trust him enough to believe he would come back, but how could I trust the man I saw as a monster? And why would I trust him again when he did this to me? It would be damn hard, but I swore I would find a way. I couldn't let myself hate him or even be angry because there had to be a reason. A reason that only Edward Cullen could dream up.

The rain was horrible on the way to Port Angeles, but in the distance, there was a small patch of sunlight peaking through the clouds. I knew the sun would be there by the time I reached Port Angeles, and I almost didn't want it to come. Sun meant Edward couldn't be with me, and he couldn't come to me. I never wanted to step into the sun again. I sighed and plugged in my iPod. As loud as before because I needed something to block out the thoughts of Edward, but it sounded different on my bass speakers. Head bobbing a little to the beat, I hurried out of the neighborhood. Everyone was staring at my truck; I didn't care. It somehow made me feel like Edward was with me because everyone stared when we were together too, no matter what we were doing.

But _Edward_ wasn't with me, so I started bawling again. The fact that he wasn't there by my side was even more devastating as time went on. Each day he was gone was a day he could live without me. So far, it'd been over thirty. He could live without me and I couldn't live without him. I sighed again and got on the freeway. Feeling a little dizzy, I decided to stop at a gas station to fill up, even though my tank was still half full, and get some water or maybe some juice to get my blood sugar up. I decided to get a bagel too as I turned into the gas station--Edward used to demand that I eat three meals a day and I needed to eat something anyway.

I stepped out into the rain without a care. I just wanted to leave the station as soon as possible--Edward once took me there when we were on our way to a party. I got a thing of the least acidic orange juice I could find, some chocolate, and a bagel. I filled up my tank as fast as I could and left just as fast.

The drive to Port Angeles was an hour long, but it passed quickly with my music all the way up and my picture of Edward where I could see it easily. My cellphone was off because I didn't want to talk to anyone who might call. Edward certainly wouldn't after all this time. I couldn't stop the stupid ideas that came to mind then though. I grabbed my phone and dialed Edward's number first, feeling stupid than ever--I knew he wouldn't answer. But I needed to hear his voice, even if it was just a recording on his voicemail. I blinked back tears when I remembered how we recorded it together. We were laughing in his room, and it had been my idea to change it in the first place. We got it after about a thousand tries, but it rang once and then I realized Edward had disconnected his phone. Or changed his number. A month. A whole month, he had more than enough time to think of all the ways he needed to completely disappear, including changing his number. While I suffered, he moved on. While I cried, he added to my pain. He was gone, and I was still there. I was stupid for trusting him, naive for loving him, and he was a monster for not loving me back. Or maybe just because he left when he did love me--I couldn't decide. Both hurt about the same, and I couldn't figure out which was worse.

When I finally reached Port Angeles, I stopped at the bookstore first. An hour of surfing through the romance novels, I moved onto movies. It was the same story there. I bought tons of loud music because I didn't want my thoughts of Edward to lead to anger or hatred. So I would block out the bad thoughts and force myself to think about the good times, even if it made me cry. It was better than _hating_ the man I _loved_.

The grocery store was my next stop. I made the stop as fast as I could, completely filling the car as I practically ran down every aisle. I smiled at the teenage boy as I checked out. I asked about a motorcycle, and he told me about one he saw in the paper a few days back. I grabbed the paper and found the ad--it was still for sale. So I bought the paper too. Charlie would read it when I was done with my reckless, crazy ideas about motorcycles. I stopped by the house on the way home after calling, and bought it right away once I knew it ran and didn't have any issues with the breaks. A chopper style Star motorcycle! I wondered what Edward would think of my new attitude. No more paranoia about the accidents I would have--Edward wasn't there to save me anyway. It didn't matter what happened to me when I didn't have anything worth living for.

I drove home, excited to show Jake his new motorcycle. Then to go for our first ride together. I could ride a motorcycle easily. It was one of my thrills in LA years back. Nothing had changed really. I still needed excitement--Edward just wasn't there to give it to me like he used to be. No more jumping out windows or standing on the tallest tree in the forest. That was over. So I would move on to the normal things. Stupid, less safe, but normal. And I wanted to get back home--I missed the familiarity and the feeling that Edward wasn't as far as he felt in Port Angeles.

Before I was half way home, I saw Jessica's Mercury on the side of the road and turned around to pull over behind them. "Hey!" I greeted, and hugged Angela, who was the sweetest girl ever after Alice, of course. "You guys okay? How long have you been here?"

"Only a few minutes," Jessica snapped, rolling her eyes at me. Apparently she didn't appreciate me not being there to hang out every chance--not that she asked me ever. "Stupid car broke down on me."

"I'm on my way home if you need a ride. We could call a tow truck too."

"How are we supposed to fit if you have all the bags in the back?" Jessica asked, obviously angry with me, but that was about normal by now.

"I can move them to the bed while we wait for the tow truck," I answered, pretending not to notice the angry tone. I had neglected my friends since Edward left, and I knew that. Lauren was pleasant because I was understanding of her bad attitude when her boyfriend once liked me. Angela was just too nice to be mad at anyone. But Jess had no reason not to be mad at me, so that she was.

"We were on our way to Port Angeles," Jessica announced.

"Oh, well, I could drop you guys off somewhere."

"You know what--don't even bother!" Jessica snapped, arms folded. "Don't come around with your designer clothes, brand new truck, and huge bank account, okay? Leave. We can figure it out on our own."

I stood, shocked for a moment. I honestly considered pointing out the fact that they weren't designer clothes, but she hated me enough already. "Okay," I said finally. "Sorry if I offended you." I turned to get back in my truck.

"Timberlee, wait!" Lauren called after me, and I paused. "Jess is only jealous, and I don't want to be stranded. Neither does Angela. Can we hitch a ride back to Forks?"

"Sure." I opened the back door and grabbed as many bags as I could put hold at once. I tossed them into the bed of my truck, leaving my books, CDs, and movies tucked into the corner so they wouldn't get ruined if it started to rain on the way home. Both Lauren and Angela jumped in right away, eager to get home, even if it destroyed their plans to go shopping or whatever. I glanced at Jess. "Ya know, there's room if you want a ride," I said quietly, casually so I wouldn't offend her anymore. "It's no problem and you could hardly call it a favor since I'm headed that way..."

"Fine!" Jessica exclaimed and climbed into the back. On the way home, we discussed my play list, my music, the motorcycle for Jake, and I was forced to snatch the picture of Edward up when Jessica kept glaring at it as if to say "What have you done with my friend". I tucked it into my purse with a sad sigh. By the time we got fifteen minutes towards Forks, I was ready to pull over and demand that Jessica get out of my truck. She was constantly rude and brought up Edward. She asked if I knew where he was or if we were secretly dating still. Shouldn't that have been obvious by the way I was fighting back tears and flinched whenever she said his name? And it wasn't even his name that bothered me so much anymore--I said it every night in my sleep. It was just her tone of voice. We talked about my truck, another thing Jess was angry about. And for the last ten minutes, I turned up the music to stop anymore conversation. I wasn't up to discussing anything with them anymore. It wasn't worth it. I felt dizzy again too. I couldn't be sure that it would ever go away. I felt powerless, emotionally, physically, in every sense of the word. Just so powerless to get through another day, to make myself take another breath. As much, and as badly, as it hurt, it was a habit for me to breathe now, like it was for vampires, and that was the only thing that kept me alive.

I let out a shaky breath and glanced down at the picture of myself and Edward in my purse. I could barely see how my hands were tangled in Edward's hair. I refused to accept Edward was gone, refused to move on. Edward had made it quick. He didn't drag it on before he left. He erased himself from my life to save me from having to. He'd been_ thoughtful _when he left, even if it hurt me. He did everything the way I would have liked if he was anyone else, any other boyfriend, but I never wanted him to go, and it still hurt just as much that he'd vanished into thin air. I had no way to run after him, even after all this time. I wasn't strong enough yet, and it wasn't like my strength was returning.

I turned down the radio when I finally reached Forks. "Where do you guys want me to drop you off?" I asked quietly, and my depression showed through.

"My house," Jessica answered, and I knew she only said that because she knew Angela or Lauren were brave enough to ask me to stay at their house. Not at Jess'. I didn't want to stay anyway, so I silently turned towards Jessica's house. It was close, and I slowed to an easy stop in front of it. Mrs. Stanton was in the front yard. I rolled down the window when she started to approach and turned the radio off to be polite. I didn't want to talk to her because I was fairly sure what the subject would be. "Timberlee, it's so good to see you, honey! That Edward was horrible to leave. Such a shock to us all. You should stay and hang out here for a while," she said. Just about what I'd expected. Any mention of Edward was something I'd expected, but I couldn't have been ready for it. I flinched anyway.

"Oh, no, thanks. I have to get groceries home," I replied, seeing Jessica stiffen.

"Come back then," Mrs. Stanton pressed.

"I have plans actually. Thanks for the offer though." I smiled and hurried to put my truck into drive and get out of there as soon as I could. My house was only a few minutes away. Happy that Charlie wasn't home, I unloaded the groceries and struggled to put my Ducati motorcycle into the back of my truck as fast as I could, covering it with a trap. I was in a hurry only because I didn't know what time Charlie got off work. If he found out I had motorcycles, he'd kill me. If he found out I could ride one, that would have been just as bad. But the fact that I'd driven one before was probably about as bad as it could get, and then the fact that I was about to go drive one, that was definitely the worst. I drove with my windows down on my way to La Push--the fresh air helped my dizziness.

I reached Jacob's house and headed back to the garage. I was seventy percent sure he was there. I was right and smiled when he jumped up to huge me. I announced I had a present for him, and we ran through the mud to go show him. He immediately agreed to go for a ride with me, which lightened my mood quite a bit. Anything to distract me. Anxiety and thrill, that was the key to getting Edward out of my mind. Jacob chose the Ducati, which was fine with me because I wanted the Star. Jake grinned and he fired up the Ducati's engine, paused as I started mine, and we started down the road side by side. The rain was still light, but the sun was gone, replaced by the gray clouds in the distance. My hair was in my face, but somehow, I didn't feel so lifeless. I sighed in relief and sped up. Jacob went on ahead of me. I wanted to go faster, but my most recent accident involving speed made me think twice. That didn't slow me down for more than a few seconds though. I made it up to fifty miles an hour, and then I slowed down a fraction.

Jacob only went faster as he turned onto a dirt road, leading into the thickest forest around. I had some strange feeling he was taking me somewhere. I didn't want to be in any forests though. It was too much like when Edward left me, even if it wasn't the same one or even near it. I followed anyway and I had to speed up so I could see him. Unfortunately, that was too much. I grimaced as I nearly hit my leg on a tree trying to turn. "Jake!" I yelled, but he couldn't hear me.

"Timberlee."

My heart stopped. I was completely frozen, and the voice was hazardous for me. I almost hit a tree head on because I was so shocked. I was crying immediately. It was Edward's voice, worried. He called my name in a forest. He was there. He was with me somehow, even though I couldn't see him. He was somehow there with me. In the hope that I would be able to catch sight of him somehow, I sped up.

"Ma Vie," Edward's voice whispered. "Slow down before you kill yourself." He sounded annoyed, but he was worried still.

"No," I sobbed. And it hit me then. He wasn't real. He wasn't there with me. He was a hallucination, trying to talk some sense into me. I sped up then, trying to run from the hallucination that came to haunt me like a ghost. "You'll leave me if I slow down," I mumbled. I couldn't slow down. Not until the motorcycle couldn't go anymore. Not ever. I wouldn't let Edward leave me again, and I wouldn't let go when I had him, but I wasn't even sure if I wanted to hold onto him while I had him because he would leave soon, and it was just a figure in my imagination. Nothing real. And nothing could have matched the real thing.

"Ma Vie."

My nickname. I could hear the love in his voice.

_You'll save me, _I thought, and I knew this hallucination could hear me, even though Edward was unable to read my mind.

"I can't always be there to save you."

I shook my head, refusing to believe that. "But you will," I said out loud, breathless, and I was trying to make this last forever when it was never made to do that. I cried harder when I realized that. "You always did save me."

"Not this time," the voice said. It didn't sound like his voice though. It sounded a hundred times deeper. It wasn't his voice. I knew it wasn't, but who else would come to me in a time like that? I didn't recognize it. And I never would. It was the monster talking, and I knew that, but I couldn't believe that Edward was a monster. "Ma Vie," Edward whispered once more, pained this time. It sounded like he was crying. I was hit with the debate to stop and relieve him of the pain if that was what I needed to do--slow down--or I could keep going and feel that temporary relief. I couldn't decide. Stupid me--talking to a hallucination. But I needed to hear Edward's voice. I sobbed when there was no more. Even the breathing had disappeared, and I knew he was gone, he wasn't coming back this time either. I sped up, begging him to come back. I needed to hear his voice. I needed my hear to pound more. I needed him. I always would. Him leaving didn't help me at all. It made me need him more.

I cried out for him to come back to me. Nothing, and I pushed eighty MPH. But I couldn't go on. My balance wasn't that good, and the trees were coming closer together. I had to slow down, but I wasn't fast enough. I couldn't move. So I was forced to turn so fast that my bike fell over on top of me. We slid maybe two hundred feet together, the bike pinning me down, and it was all from my velocity before when I was running after a hallucination. I grimaced when we stopped, trying to push the bike off me as it started to burn through my jeans to my leg. I cried out when I felt it burning, but it didn't help. My leg wasn't broken--I knew that much. Just scraped, and burnt so far. "Jake!" I yelled as a last resort--Edward wasn't coming. My eyes were rolled back to stop the tears when I realized how much the skin on my leg stung. "Jake!" I called louder.

Then I heard his engine, coming straight towards me. He was there in seconds, and threw his bike down when he saw me, spraying dirt all over me. He pulled the Star off me without a problem. I cried out once more when the bike squashed my good leg. "Sorry, sorry," Jake said quickly. "Sorry. Didn't mean to."

"Help me up," I panted. My heartbeat had slowed. My breathing hurt again, worse than I remembered. Edward was gone. It all hit me with such a rush, and I fell to the ground. I sobbed into my hands and Jake put a hand on my back. I cried and cried until there was no more tears left to cry. I shook my head and leaned into Jake weakly. "Take me home," I whispered. I needed my picture of Edward, which was left in my room with my purse. I needed to see him. He helped me up to my feet then and I limped off towards my motorcycle. We rode back to my truck. Then I turned to Jake. "Hey, can you not tell Charlie? Please?" I asked quietly.

"Sure. I won't tell. He won't hear it from me."

I nodded. "Thanks. Bye." I hurried home then. I changed into a loose pair of sweats and cleaned the burnt skin, covered it with gauze I found in a first aid kit, and then wrapped it up with an ace bandage to make sure it stayed there. Dad came home when I was still in the bathroom. I let out an over dramatic, soap-opera-like sigh, and I went to my room to write more songs until I eventually fell asleep.

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A/N: Okay, I'm editing this stuff to get to the part where Edward comes back faster. Chapter Thirteen is necessary for you to understand the story. There's probably one more necessary chapter little later on. But Alice comes back around the end of Chapter Sixteen probably with the editing I'm doing. So I'm gonna sort through this and try to get to the good part because I'm so sick of Edward being gone, lol. Sorry for the long, boring stuff. Trying to get there as soon as I can.


	14. Chapter 13

Chapter Thirteen

Dad started suggesting that I move back home a few days later. I'd returned to square one. Lost in the misery without even trying to escape with a form of desperation in my escape attempts. I was trying to cling to what I remembered of my hallucination. That's when Dad told me that it was time I moved on. No more chances, no more waiting for me to come around. Mom even agreed with him, and I refused. After a long debate, I broke down at the thought of leaving Forks. I couldn't ever do it. Dad didn't understand, but he said that he would give me one more chance before he bought the plane ticket home. One way. And I wouldn't be allowed to return. On that morning, I took a little more time on myself. I coordinated an outfit instead of throwing on the first thing I found. I made breakfast for Charlie and ate what I could. My leg still throbbed from the burn, and I tried to ignore it because it kept reminding me of the fact that Edward was gone.

I went upstairs to my room to go work on more songs--that was one thing to keep my mind occupied. I didn't want to go ask Jake for help surviving. He was probably still mad at me about the whole motorcycle thing anyway. Or maybe he'd figured out that Edward was the reason I'd gone that fast in the first place. He was an after thought in his eyes, but that wasn't it at all. He was a good friend. Only a friend, and he couldn't understand that. I grabbed a notebook from my desk and I didn't bother opening it to the first blank page. I just opened it. I froze, completely still. My heart had stopped again. No voice this time though.

Edward's writing this time. I would recognize it anywhere! It was his! I stared for a moment, trying to find my breath or at least stop shaking. What was this--some joke? Some cruel joke to hurt me more? Was it like that? Was Edward trying to haunt me? I felt my breath catch in my throat as the tears came. But I flipped back to the first page where his writing began. I realized it was the letter he left me while I was in the shower before. He'd left it... I wondered if he could ever have forgotten it. I doubted it. He was so complete before. Why would he forget a letter? And why would he leave it if he didn't? I paused, shaking worse than ever and I blinked away the tears until my eyes were clear enough to read the letter.

Timmy,  
Maybe I'm not always able to express my reasons. You don't know why I don't want you to be like me. I've tried so many ways to tell you that I never want to see you hurt. That's unavoidable in this world, but I refuse to be the one to end your life. I refuse to be the one to hurt you. Ever. You don't know how it would torture me. It would ruin me if I ever hurt you in anyway or at all. The thought alone tormented me. I'm sorry if I'm crushing your deepest dreams, but I can't ever let you become something that I can't stand. I would never throw a burden on you that I couldn't bear myself. I know that this is a stupid fear and that you're stronger than that. You're a fighter anyway--nothing would ever phase you or break you. But I'm not going to end your life. Period. Don't ask me to hurt you for me. All I want is your happiness, and that's enough for me. If you're alive and happy, I can live without you forever. I would rather have you live the eighty years and have a few fears than to have you live forever without a soul to be with me.

You'll never understand that, so I won't try to force you. You'll never know what it feels like. Carlisle's struggled, and he's the strongest of us all. We fight no matter what, no matter where we go. We can never live a normal life. That's part of our curse. I can't ever let you become like this. I'm sorry.

I love you, and I know you can't ever comprehend how much. I just do. And I hope you can forgive me for my flaws, even the ones I'm glad I have. Like being as stubborn as hell. It keeps you alive, doesn't it? Don't forget my love because it won't ever end.

That was all the letter said, but I turned to the next page, and there was more. When had he had time to leave another letter? I was crying again, covering my mouth to calm my sobs. I couldn't breathe. Edward was lying to me. How could he have written this days before he'd destroyed my life? I couldn't read on yet. I had to find the breath and the strength. But in the end, I began before I was ever ready.

Ma Vie,  
I don't know if you'll ever find this or if you'll remember me when you do. But I had to write this. To ease my conscious mostly because I was wrong. I couldn't leave you without telling the reasons, even if you don't ever understand them. I couldn't leave without giving you some way to remember me because I can't lie and say that I wasn't planning to come back someday. I knew I would come back years later. Sometime when our paths cross somehow. I have to explain this and I hope you can understand at least part of it.

I'm a vampire, even if my family doesn't drink human blood. There was still a possibility though, and it was too great for me to ignore. There was a night when I came by. You were fast asleep, curled up into a ball. I never understood what happened myself. I suddenly couldn't resist your blood. I'd just been hunting and when we hunt, our instincts take over. I hadn't returned to myself, and I thought I would kill you. I was taken over by this thing that could have stolen everything from me. I didn't know if I could resist the next time that happened if it did happen again. I didn't understand it then and I still don't. I thought I would kill you in your sleep. If I was ever to hurt you, I would want you to be asleep so you couldn't see me as a monster, like I am. Even if human blood isn't our usual diet, we're still vampires and I'm prone to temptation. We're like animals. I'd just had all the blood I needed, but the chance was there to have something better, and I almost took it because my instincts told me to. I love you too much to ever hurt you. I couldn't live with myself if I hurt you. And I almost did. I almost ended your life that night.

I know you well enough to know you wouldn't believe me when I said I didn't love you. And you're right to do that. I didn't leave because I _stopped_ loving you. Or because I never loved you at all. I left _because I love you. _I love you as much as ever and more because I know what this is probably doing to you. I love you too much to let myself hurt you. Even if it kills me to see you hurt now, I would rather believe I saved your life by leaving than ended it by staying. I know you're strong because you took care of your parents and your brother. You can get through this. I wouldn't have left if I questioned the fact that the fighter inside you would have given up without the fight of your life. I would have found another way if I could. But this was the only way I knew of.

Don't search for me--I won't be there. I'm just as stubborn as you are, beautiful. You won't be able to find me. Just know that I still love you. I still care so much that I'm willing to end this before I hurt you. It would be the end of me if I did. I know you'll move on, even if it takes forever to do it. That's built into your character, Timmy.

I laughed coldly, furiously. Edward left to _save_ me? I would rather be dead than without him though. I wished he had killed me then and I knew I was crazy for it, but I didn't care. Edward left to save me, and he didn't truly realize how much it hurt. At least if he drained my body of blood, it would have been quick. This pain that I felt dragged on and on. It changed, got worse, changed. I never knew there was so many kinds of pain, but they were all mine, and all because Edward left. And he thought he was saving me from pain. He wasn't. Still, that's what he meant to do. And by leaving, he saved himself the pain he would have felt if he had hurt me. There was some gratefulness inside me at that thought, but hardly any. I sighed and returned to the letter. I didn't care what it said. I just needed to read it. I needed to hear Edward's voice in my mind as I read.

I wanted to leave and let you move on. When I heard you yelling after me, I knew you wouldn't move on because you're as stubborn as I am and because you're naive and you don't know what's best for you. Believe me; loving me isn't the best thing for you. Not that that would ever stop you. I realize I hurt you and I know I will never understand what I did to you by leaving. That's why I wrote this. I don't know if this will easy any pain or if it will only make it worse, make it harder for you, add to the confusion after what I said. I had to tell you that I lied though. You're not bad for me. You're the only person for me, and I never wanted to leave. I'm bad for you. I do love you and that's why I left. That's the only reason.

Maybe a few years from now, our paths will cross somehow. maybe by then, I'll be stronger and I'll be able to explain why I almost killed you that night. I owed you this explanation, and I'm sure my family will give me hell for leaving you because they don't know the reasons either. I couldn't tell them. But whatever happens, I hope you'll find it in yourself to forgive me even if you move on, even if you never love me again. I just need forgiveness. Not love. I had you for those few months, and as long as you forgive me, that's all I need. I can live with that because I know that I loved you with everything I had. I can't ask for more. And you gave me more than you know. After I left you, I don't deserve either forgiveness or your love. I can't ask for either one, but I'm stubborn like you and I can hope. I do hope because that's all I have to hold onto without you there.

I still love you. You're still my life. Nothing has changed. Nothing will.

Don't fall down.

Edward Cullen

I stared. I had laughed at the comment about falling down. I'd already ruined that. My anger and hatred disappeared. Tears flooded my vision again. It was harder than I thought--living. Dying was so peaceful and easy. Living was the hard part, and I didn't know if you could call what I was doing living. I once promised not to feel weak, not to waste my life away. I'd wasted a whole month already. I had the answers I wanted, but it hardly helped. Edward was still gone. The pain was still there. I had a life still, and I had one life to live. One short, tiny life to live, and that was it.

I took a deep breath and let the tears fall. It didn't matter anymore. Edward still loved me, and I found hope again. He loved me, so I could get by. I had millions of dollars in the bank and I had eleven months until I turned eighteen. Edward needed me because he was still beating himself up about nearly killing me. That was the only nightmare he could ever have. I sighed. Eleven months. I couldn't live through eleven months or eleven days like that. Not anymore. I had to take chances. I had to believe, trust, and try. Believe that Edward did love me, even if I wasn't sure. Trust that I could get through. And try to push on. I had to get my priorities straight too. I couldn't just do it for myself. That wasn't good enough anymore, and it never would be. I had to do it for Edward to make sure he never tormented himself, because I still loved him. He fell in love with Timberlee Stone. Not the frail, weak, emotional girl I'd become. His letter mentioned the possibility that we could meet again sometime in our future. So I had to go back to the girl he loved. I had to do it fast. I had to do it now--I didn't know when he would come back or even if he would. But I had to make myself strong again. I would search my entire life if I could see Edward happy once more, if I could see him one more time. I would have given my soul to be with him. I would have given everything to remember him for the man I loved. He made it hard because all I had of him was a picture, a pillow, the letter, and the nightmares. How was I supposed to remember the man I loved? Not the monster. I wanted to forget him always because it wasn't real. Edward hadn't wanted to become that way.

Even though I knew the reasons now, that couldn't erase the monster I saw in my mind when I thought of Edward. That Edward wasn't my Edward though, so I could put it out of my mind somehow. I would. There was two different Edwards. I would only remember my Edward. It would be hard because the pain in my chest reminded me how he hurt me, but I was a fighter like he said. I knew I was. I always had been. I could push through the pain and force my love of Edward to heal the pain, heal all of it, every part of it, every piece, all of it until there was nothing left but my loe. And then I could survive. And then I could find Edward again.


	15. Chapter 14

Chapter Fourteen

I cried that night. Not because Edward left. Not because it still hurt. Not even because I was overwhelmed. I cried because I was moving on to make that first step. I wanted to get the old Edward out and replace him with my Edward. I cried myself to sleep, but there was no nightmare. It wasn't good either. It was neutral. Edward was in it. He stood ahead of me. His unneeded breath mingled with my own breathing. Neither of us said anything, and I didn't even see his face. I knew it was him anyway. I could smell him. I could feel his presence in my sleep. There was no doubt in my mind that it was him. He never turned. He never looked at me. He never moved. But it was him, and I was with him in the silence.

My eyes shot open when my door banged against my wall. I sat up just as fast. When I saw it was only Dad, I let out an annoyed groan and laid back down. "Go away!" I mumbled, pointing towards the door furiously. "I want to sleep. Leave me alone."

"Sorry. Sorry. I was just coming to make sure you were alive," Charlie replied, taking the four half-full cups of water from my night stand and desk. "You're usually up by now."

"I know my sleeping patterns already. Shut up and go away!" I exclaimed, throwing another finger towards the door. My insomnia had finally caught up to me. I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep for two weeks. I was too tired to care if I got grounded yelling at Charlie--I would just sleep the entire time anyway. Sleep sounded nice after so long of only a few hours of tortured sleep anyway.

Charlie was silent for a moment, obviously trying to see if I was serious. Then he cleared his throat. "Fine. Sorry again," he said, and I could tell he was smiling. "Sleep as late as you want, honey. I'll order pizza."

"What do you not understand about 'go away'?" I asked, sitting up again. I rolled my eyes and fell back against my pillows, groaning loudly. My dream of Edward returned when I fell back asleep. He was facing me. His golden brown eyes lit up with joy at the sight of me, and he was happy, but his eyes looked like the monster's still. I couldn't be happy about that. I watched us stare at each other, like we were total strangers. And in a way, we were. In this dream, I couldn't find the happiness I wanted to see in Edward. His eyes were so dead, like mine. We were together, but unable to celebrate or to love each other. I woke up again around one. I'd slept thirteen hours total, even with Charlie waking me up! I felt much better. It was shocking to me, and I was trying to understand why things were so easy now. I still hurt, Edward was still gone, but I could breathe now. There wasn't any true relief though because it still bothered me. Edward had supposedly lied about not loving me before, so why should I believe the letters? I was confused, unable to be sure of anything anymore. But I didn't feel as dead as before.

I got up and immediately reached for my guitar. Sad songs were the only thing I'd written recently. I wanted to write something else for a change. So I started strumming quietly, then started over more confidently when I was sure I liked the tune. The lyrics written, I began playing the same tune to see if it matched as well as I hoped it would. One day without crying was important. I had to do that.

I have only this breath  
To keep this moment  
At the dawn of today

All the mystery left  
Is here before me  
But can my heart turn away?

I've come too far now...

These four walls could never hold me  
And these two hands  
Could never hold me back  
I'm just before the open door  
And I'm so much more  
Than these two hands

Now the worlds pass away  
And I'm left blindly  
From the secrets I keep

I'm no longer afraid  
Of what might find me  
Or the fields that I reap

I've come too far now...

These four walls could never hold me  
And these two hands  
Could never hold me back  
I'm just before the open door  
And I'm so much more  
Than these two hands

One breath, one step  
Is keeping me here  
I've nothing left  
And nothing to fear

I've come too far now...

These four walls could never hold me  
And these two hands  
Could never hold me back  
I'm just before the open door  
And I'm so much more  
Than these two hands

I had come too far to turn back. It would have been useless anyway. Giving up would solve nothing. I had to fight on. I had to keep being the person that I was and fight until I won. That was what Edward had wanted. I wasn't going to fight to accept he was gone though. I swore that I would always remember him and I swore that I would only fight to get him back. Fight through the last eleven months, then move on and go search for him. I had to keep going. For Edward. I had to be that girl he loved. I didn't mind being gossiped about because I found this new power to move on, but I was truly terrified of what would come in my future. Nothing was certain in life and I hated not knowing. One thing I did know: Edward was alive. Vampires couldn't die. He lived forever. I didn't want pity or anything else because that all ended. I wanted Edward because that was the only thing I could hold onto for the rest of my life. And he would never die. There was security there. But all of that knowledge was pointless if I couldn't find Edward again.

I went back to sleep after that. I slept a few more hours. Edward was still in my dreams. It wasn't horrible though. It was actually nice. He was walking and I was running. Not _after_ him or _away_ from him. _To_ him. He was waiting for me with open arms, ready to catch me if I tripped. Ready to be there forever. He was back. I couldn't be happy though because it was only a dream. It wasn't set in my future to see him again. That was only my hope. A fool's hope, so I was a fool. But it was done willingly. I would not give up the last piece of hope that I had.

I woke up feeling a little depressed. I missed him. That would never change. I only wanted to be close to him forever. I didn't know if I could make it through without slipping. I was so scared. But wasn't fear part of every journey, no matter how small? Wasn't it part of every life? I would fear if that was part of my journey to find Edward again. But I would not go on just existing. I needed to live, and I needed to be strong, even if I broke down several times. Not for myself or my family this time because that hadn't worked. For Edward because he'd left only to protect me. That was all I could do. Hope was all I had left. And I was willing to accept that as my journey continued.

--------------------

A/N: Song featured in this chapter is called "These Two Hands" by Hana Pestle.


	16. Chapter 15

Chapter Fifteen

Another night, another dream of Edward. He was with me, in front of me. I could see the happiness dance in his eyes, but his mouth was tight. It was like he was angry or like he was trying to force himself to be angry with me for something. It was like he was trying to hide his unbelievable happiness, and he couldn't do that. So his eyes glowed . His lips tightened into a thin line. His eyebrows knit together. He opened his mouth, about to say something, but he closed it then. I heard sobs somewhere. I realized the sobs were mine. I was crying and Edward didn't know how to comfort me. He didn't know if he could or if I would let him.

Suddenly, he was right in front of me. I hadn't blinked. I hadn't looked away. He was there when he felt so far away. He took the person crying in his arms. It wasn't me. It was a withered, tiny old woman. Streaky curls, totally white. Leathery skin, a hospital gown. I didn't recognize this woman or any of her features. Except one. Her eyes. She had my eyes, shockingly green. Edward handled this woman as gently as he'd once handled me. He embraced her and she laughed. My laugh. "Edward, I missed you," she said, and her voice was mine. "Eighty-seven years, I've waited. Four more to live and I'll have waited as long as you did."

"I heard you were dying," Edward replied, his jaw clenched hard. And then I realized he wasn't angry. He was hurt. He was crying, even without tears. I knew that now. I was dying. Edward sighed then. "I heard you were in pain. I wanted to end it now because I know you're holding on for me."

"I've been hurt worse before."

Edward nodded, and he knew I meant when he left me. "The doctors said you only have a few days left. But that's all we need. I can't live without you." Edward pulled my ruby ring out of his pockets, and the sobs became silent, worse. "Are you ready? Do you still want me forever?"

"No," I answered firmly, and my heart stopped, even though I was asleep. "I'm ready to leave this world. Just remember how I was when I was young."

I woke up, crying out. I rolled out of bed and ran. With all my strength, all my power, everything I had, loved, wanted, everything. I heard Trooper barking after me, but I couldn't stop or slow down. I jumped into my truck and drove towards La Push. Anything to distract me. Anything at all. Anything to get away. I didn't make it to Jake's house though. I stopped at the beach. I walked, faster and faster with every step until I was sprinting as fast as I could go. I came to a cliff. I looked down into the water, breathless and scared. I couldn't go on. I couldn't stop myself. The cliff wasn't very high... I remembered Jake telling me about how much fun cliff diving was once, and I remembered how all my friends had tried to get me to do it once in Hawaii. I'd been too afraid then. Now I wasn't afraid of anything besides living without Edward, and I was living that life now. I walked to the very edge of the cliff. It was higher than I thought. I stared down into the blue water, my heart pounding suddenly. I could feel the blood pulsing through my veins. I hated my blood then. It tortured Edward. It caused him to leave, and now he was gone.

I looked at the water. It was tempting. I must have been fifty or sixty feet up. I didn't know if there were any special rules or safety precautions for cliff diving. I was already there. I didn't care. I just wanted to try. I knew how to dive. I was a good swimmer. I shook my head. "No, Edward," I whispered numbly, and my voice sounded so dead. "I'm not going to wait that long. I can't. You can't do that to me. Please... Come back, please."

I took another step and my toes were at the edge, my hands were at my sides. "Don't." I froze, unable to move. It was Edward again. I saw his face in my head, as clearly as it would have been if he was there in front of me. Only he wasn't. It was another hallucination, and he hadn't come back, but he was talking to me. I lied to hear his voice and he was telling me not to take the leap of faith and jump off the cliff. He didn't understand though. I took a leap of faith every day when I hoped he would come back. Only hoping hurt worse than jumping would have.

"Don't jump."

I shook my head defiantly, and tested my knees. I was afraid that Edward would leave me if I jumped. But I had to. It was already decided. I made the decision, but I still held onto Edward's voice while he was talking to me. If I wasn't capable of letting go, moving on for real, how was I supposed to let go when he was there? He was talking to me, he was trying to get me to think, but I couldn't. I didn't know what I wanted anymore. I didn't know if I wanted to get Edward out of my mind for another few hours or if I wanted to hear his voice more. I knew that if I continued to stand there, I would never be able to forget him. I wasn't trying to, but I felt the need just to be close to him. I could only be close to him while he spoke to me though. And he was trying to drown me again. I was doing so well, and this failure was the worst yet. He was pulling me into the water while he told me not to jump.

"Don't do this to me," Edward begged, sounding angry. "You can't do this to me." _To him_. And what had he done to me? I didn't want to hurt him. I wasn't trying to get my revenge. I just wanted to know what it was that I wanted. I didn't know what was more important anymore. The tears of confusion came. I bent my knees again, ready to spring to make my dive.

"Timberlee, don't do this!" Edward commanded, but I shook my head, and I made my dive. I wasn't going to drown anymore. It was hard to jump off the rocks, and I didn't know if I would regret the decision. I'd made it already though. It was too late to go back.

"No!" Edward said in the same way he had when he left. His face in my mind was the same. I didn't know if this was a new hallucination or just a memory of how he'd hurt me so badly. Everything was clouded. "Why!?" Edward demanded. "Why?" His whole body was shaking in fury, but I somehow knew it wasn't directed towards me. And this was new. The last no I heard wasn't the monster. There was something new. And he was trying to understand something...

It felt like a year that I was falling. My heart pounded harder than I ever remembered. I loathed my own blood, even as it kept me alive. I hated it because it was the reason Edward was gone. I wished so badly that Edward hadn't arrived in time to save me. I wished I was a vampire so Edward would never have left. Then neither of us would have felt any more pain. We would have never hurt if I wasn't human.

As I fell, pictures in time flashed in my mind. Edward's glare when we first met, us talking on the bed of my truck, debating our friendship, our first kiss, his first smile at me, his laugh, his pained expression when he tried to think of my questions, pictures of us together and how much we'd changed since February 9th when I first saw him. We were smiling, laughing, talking late at night, him driving me to school in the morning, us dancing at prom with me standing on Edward's feet. Just pictures.

The water hit me and they were all washed away. I was no longer drowning in Edward's memory. I was sucked down underwater. At first, I didn't try to fight it. I wanted the memories to be washed away until I could think of something else for once. But I was still human as much as I hated it, as much as I wanted to be a vampire. I had to come up for air. Only when I remembered that, I was too deep down. The current hit me like a wall as I tried to reach the surface for one gulp of air before I let the water rush over me again. I tried to get up to the top. I was too weak though--Edward still had all my strength. I couldn't hit hard enough. I felt the burn in my lungs when they needed air bad enough. I couldn't fill them though. Edward was the air I needed to breathe in to live, and I was still underwater. If I wasn't, he wasn't there anyway. I couldn't fight.

"Push!" Edward yelled at me. "Get out of there."

_I can't, _I thought, trying so hard for him. He sounded as desperate as I felt when I was running after him, trying to hold onto his memory. I was trying because Edward told me to only. I had no other reason to not give in. I kicked as hard as I could and reached for the surface. I tried and tried. It was no use. "Harder, dammit! Push," Edward whispered, his jaw clenched. I had to for him. I felt dizzy and I had to get air. I was drowning for real now. I could feel myself fading, and I knew I would lose consciousness soon. I was dying. It was obvious. Everything went black, and Edward's face disappeared. He was gone again. _No, _I thought furiously. I only knew that I wasn't dead because I was still hurting. Hurting because Edward was gone again, and I still had no power to fight.

Someone's hand grabbed me, a hand around my waist. My lungs burned twice as bad, but the surface was closer. Edward was somehow pushing me, even though whoever had a hold of me was burning hot. When the water broke, I gasped for air too quickly and inhaled a mouth full of water too. I coughed, trying to breathe in the available air. I rolled over and spit out the water as soon as we were on ground. I choked, coughed, and tried so hard to get the water out of my lungs. "What the hell was that?" Jake's voice demanded. Jake...

I gasped in the air. Finally, it came, and I closed my eyes as it filled my lungs. I breathed heavily. Jacob waited for an answer. I waited until it was easy to breathe again, and then I sat up. I felt numb for a few seconds. Then the emotions overwhelmed me. Breathing seemed completely impossible, even as I tried to gulp in gusts of air, even as I _did_. Edward's face was gone, wasn't it? He was gone. Nothing made sense, and I couldn't move on. I couldn't breathe anymore, couldn't go on any longer. I closed my eyes, trying to imagine Edward's face, but I couldn't. I only saw black. He was fading from my memory, and I was fading from life. So we faded together and Jake could only watch me in this helpless, hopeless state.

"Come on. You have to get warm," Jake said, pulling me up. He did it so easily and I was to weak to be of much help. I was limp, barely strong enough to support my own weight. I leaned against Jake as he helped me to my truck. I let him drive me to his house. "What were you doing there?" I asked.

"Long story," Jake muttered, and I noticed how he was shaking. We walked inside to see Billy on the phone. We immediately knew something was wrong, and I almost collapsed completely in Jake's arms.

Billy sighed and hung up. "Harry Clearwater had a heart attack," he whispered, and his voice told us that Harry was gone. Dad. Charlie! I called home and Charlie told me to stay at Jake's for a few days until he was done helping Sue with the funeral arrangements. I agreed with a nod and Jake shrugged. We spent every second of the next few days together, even though Jake was kind of distant. He never mentioned the incident on the cliff, and I knew it bothered him. He probably thought it was suicide, and maybe it was. I just didn't know how to explain it to him. So we were silent. I watched him work on most days. Then we decided to go to my house one day. I was used to La Push, but I let him drive my truck on the way back home. Charlie wasn't there. He was still helping Sue manage everything. I walked inside and the phone was ringing. The red light on my cell phone, which was on the counter, had caught my attention. I opened it, and my heart stopped. Edward's number! Four missed calls. He'd called me! Four times... No messages...

"Answer the phone," I told Jake, pointing to the home phone and redialing Edward's number. I was ready to cry in the hope that Edward was coming back. He had to call me for a reason.

"Hello?" Jake asked, sounding confused. He watched me freak out and panic as I packed. "He's not here... Um... preparing for a funeral..." Then he hung up.

"Who was it?" I asked.

"That one doctor."

"Dr. Smith?"

"No. The leech."

"What? You hung up on him!?"

"No. He hung up on me."

I froze again, ready to break down. "Oh, my god," I whispered. "What did he want? Why didn't you tell me?"

"It wasn't for you. He wanted to talk to Charlie. He asked where he was. I answered and he hung up on me."

"Shit. You idiot! That wasn't Carlisle!" I screamed. Carlisle wouldn't hang up on anyone. Not even Jake. "That was Edward! He called me. He's probably just freaking out. Worried sick--I always answer my phone, and he knows it too! I would always answer to his number, no matter what. And, and... Why didn't you tell him I was here?"

"He didn't ask," Jake said defensively.

"So what? Why the hell would Edward call Charlie, huh?" I stopped and covered my mouth. "Damn it," I whispered, and I ran upstairs as fast as I could, terrified. Jake followed, probably just because he could hear my sobs. Frantic and worse than ever. "Shit, shit, shit! You idiot!" I yelled, throwing a pillow at him when I entered my room and he was still following. "That wasn't Carlisle! He found out about my accident somehow. He thinks it's my funeral! All because you can't just... Ah! Why didn't you tell him about Harry?"

"He didn't ask!" Jake exclaimed.

I threw an empty cup at him next. He ducked to avoid it. "Get out," I said as calmly as I could, which wasn't calm at all. "Get out and don't you ever come back. Leave."

Jake stared at me for a moment, amazed, and I glared back. Finally, he turned to leave. I threw a third pillow after him. It hit the back of his head. He paused, then continued out. I sat on my bed, redialing Edward's number again. It rang and rang. I hung up after thirty seconds each time, only to dial the same number again and to get the same thing, then to repeat the process. He'd turned on his phone again. Reconnected it. Why? Something had happened to make him want to get a hold of me so badly that he went as far as to use the number he knew I would always recognize. I was hyperventilating. I could only imagine what Edward was going through. He thought I was dead. That was worse than what I felt as he left me. I sobbed when he didn't answer, screamed when it only rang, and cried between calls.

I sniffed when I heard a car door outside. I stood, one hand in my hair, the other holding the phone to my ear. Carlisle's Mercedes! I dropped the phone, even though it was still ringing. I blinked, trying to decide if it was another hallucination or not. I couldn't take this. I'd just heard it, and there was on one in it... Something was going on. But it was definitely Carlisle's... A knock on the front door--the desperate pounding--told me it was real. I was too shocked to even fall down the stairs in my hurry. I yanked the door open. It was Alice, not Edward, but that terrified me instead of easing my fears as I thought it would. "Alice," I whispered.

"Please tell me you have a passport," she muttered, pushing past me.

"What?"

"Edward's in trouble," she told me. Gently because she knew it would hurt me. And it did.


	17. Chapter 16

Chapter Sixteen

"Trouble?" I repeated, and Alice grabbed my arm to pull me upstairs to my room. I knew part of what was happening already. She was taking me to Edward. "What happened? What kind of trouble?"

"I'll explain on the way," Alice replied, sounding breathless in her worry and tossing me my backpack. I shoved a few pairs of jeans, three t-shirts, and my old sweats in, plus everything else I could think of that was needed. Alice brought me tampon, my toothbrush, and toothpaste from the bathroom, and threw it all into my backpack. I didn't bother zipping it. I just ran downstairs and out to Carlisle's car as fast as I could. Alice was right with me the entire time and started down the road as soon as I was inside the car. She sped as fast as the Mercedes would go. I turned to Alice then, trying not to panic, but it was hard. I was already scared to death for Edward. "What happened?" I repeated, breathless and scared for the answer. But I had to hear it. It was necessary.

Alice glanced at me, and I caught a flash of anger in her eyes. "I saw you jumping off the cliff. I thought you were trying to kill yourself! Maybe you were, but I told Rosalie that I was going to make sure you were okay. She asked what happened, and I explained because she would have found out eventually. She told Edward why I wasn't there, and... He's on foot. But he's closer. We'll get there about the same time if we hurry. He wouldn't believe me if I told him you were okay, so I have to bring you with me. Sorry for the inconvenience."

"Stop apologizing and finish! Where's he going? What's he doing?" Alice was silent for a moment. "Stop being nice to me and just tell me!"

She sighed. "The Volturi. He told you about them, right? They're in Italy. He's trying to kill himself. At first, he was planning to go ask them to kill him, but then he decided it was sure that you were dead. He didn't call to ask or anything--"

"No, he did," I whispered. "He called me. The one time I didn't have my phone with me, the one time I left it at home."

"He's going into the sun. Exactly at noon tomorrow. We have to hurry. They'll kill him," Alice finished, and though there were no tears, I knew she was crying.

My stomach lurched, twisted, and turned. I couldn't breathe. It hurt too badly. Worse than it ever had in the past month and a half when Edward was gone. I clapped my hand over my mouth to stop the sobs. I wanted to muffle the sobs so they wouldn't distract Alice. We had to go half way across the world and we had to hurry. "He called me," I repeated quietly. She only pushed the car harder at the desperation in my voice. "I didn't bring it with me because I knew he wouldn't call. It'd been so long. I'd finally decided that he wasn't going back. I was trying to move on. That involved not waiting by the phone every night for the text that said he'd be there after hunting or... I left it at home because I knew he wouldn't call. And that was the one time he did, the one time I wasn't waiting, and now..." I stopped. It felt like just before my car accident all over again. Fear so bad it could end a life, pain even worse because this was all my fault, speed in the desperation, tears from the horrors that could come, and nothing I could do about any of it. I sighed. I had to think through this rationally. As rationally as possible. "Can't you tell him in your thoughts that I'm okay? That you're bringing me so he'll wait?" I asked.

"He can't hear me from this far away, and he won't answer his phone. Besides, he'll think I'm trying to get you to wait until we all get there to stop him," Alice replied, grinding her teeth together. "You have to be there." I nodded, closing my eyes, and the ride to Port Angeles flew by somehow. I had to run to keep up with Alice as we hurried to make the plane--she'd called ahead, before she even knew I was alive or that I had a passport. We got on the flight just in time. We would fly to LA, then to Florence, then we would drive like the devil was on our tail to Volterra, but I would rather face the devil a million times than have Edward dead. I'd already faced the devil. That was living without Edward. I'd lived that life for the past months... Now it could be come more permanent than ever. We found flights close together, no waiting at all. We made the flight to LA with ten seconds to spare, and that was all. We were racing, but what if it wasn't enough?

I slept only because Alice forced me to on the way from LA to Florence. She even packed my sleeping pills, so there wasn't much I could do to fight. She claimed I needed all my strength. We were in a race against fate and time, and there was nothing we could do to make the flights faster. Nothing would help my restlessness when Edward could die. And this was all my fault.

"How far is Volterra from Florence?" I asked Alice when it came time for our flight to land. Our last flight. We were in Italy.

"I'll drive as fast as I can, and it really depends on how fast you drive," Alice said gently. She was trying to ease my fears. She apparently knew my fear--we wouldn't make it in time because we didn't have a car. What if we made it a second too late? What if we made it in time for Edward to see me in his last breath? What if, with that last breath, he realized I was alive? What would happen then? "How do you feel about grand theft auto?" Alice asked gently, trying to stop the tears about to come, but it didn't help. The lifeless eyes of Edward I once saw in my dreams were bad enough. The thought of seeing him killed was worse. It could very possibly happen. We could go as fast as we could, but we could be too late. Edward could still be faster. I was mortified, but I still hoped because I had to.

Alice picked out a Porsche Turbo. Really obvious, but at least it was fast. She claimed it was her second choice. A bright yellow Porsche. Anything helped though, and I knew how lucky we were to get a car so fast. Everyone was staring. And it didn't help the stares that she was speeding as fast as she could go. It helped remind me that we could still make it in time. I tried to relax. How could I though under the circumstances? Edward's life was at stake because I was stupid enough to jump off a cliff. We were driving through Italy, full speed, in a Porsche Turbo. We could be seen, but I trusted Alice's driving skills to make sure we weren't ever slowed down. I just hoped we made it to Volterra in time.

What would I do if we didn't? What would I do if I was a second too late? I would go jump off the same cliff and make sure I drowned this time--do it in the dead of night. If that didn't work, I would drive the new truck into the same tree and hope it killed me this time. I would overdose, slit my wrists, do something so I wasn't alive anymore. I wanted to find out where vampires went when they died, and I would demand to go to the same place, wherever it was, demand until I got my way. I was in hell already, hell was any place without Edward. How much worse could a fiery pit be? Edward's arms would keep me cool. I knew that.

I closed my eyes, and glanced at Alice. "How do I stop him?" I asked.

Alice sped through an intersection and turned onto another road, never slowing. The speed didn't scare me when Edward's life was close to the end. Nothing else scared me then. "He's going to the clock tower. Exactly at noon. The sun's brightest there, the most people are there. A huge crowd. He'll be headed in the same direction as we come in. You'll be going the same way, right towards the clock tower. I don't know if I'll be able to get the car in. No cars allowed in usually. You have to find him before he steps into the sun and convince him you're... real," Alice said.

"Real? As in not a hallucination," I answered my own question because I knew exactly what Alice meant. It would have been the same if Edward had pulled me from the water when I went cliff diving instead of Jake. He would have had to prove to me he was real. Now I had to show him I was real. I was ready for that part. I wasn't afraid of that part. If Edward was killed, that was the part I was scared of. Beyond scared. Terrified to a point were words couldn't express it. If Edward was gone, that meant there was nothing more to live for. The only reason I had survived the past month and a half without him was because he was still alive. I'd still had a chance to get him back all that time, even as I cried. I had a chance, as small as it was. And now I had a chance that he would live. It was just as small.

All my questions were answered. Edward did still love me or he wouldn't be in danger now. His letter was the truth. He only left because he was scared he would kill me. The answers had been there all along, but I'd never seen them. I was blind. I couldn't accept what Edward had told me in his letter. I couldn't accept that he was gone. I couldn't let go or move on. I refused to. Now Edward knew what I had become. He knew I was this whole different person. An adrenaline junkie, close to suicidal, seventeen year old girl now. I was sixteen when he left. I was seventeen now, and it hadn't even registered. I would have cried about it, but I was too busy crying over Edward. And all of that was useless.

I knew this was my one chance. All I wanted was to see Edward again, or so I tried to tell myself. However, I knew the second I saw Edward I would want more. I wouldn't want him to go again. I would want his touch, his smile, his laugh, his love, his presence at my side forever. Just because Edward was alive--if he lived--that didn't mean I would get him back, but I was a fool. I continued to hope, continued to pray. That was all I could do. This was my chance to be rid of my nightmares, to be rid of the monster I saw when I thought of Edward. This was my one chance to replace the monster with the man I loved.

My heart pounded as we grew closer to Edward, closer to Volterra. I could feel his presence there. It was as strong as it had been when I used to sleep and he came to watch me. I could hear his familiar, unnecessary breathing. It was another hallucination though--he wasn't close enough for me to hear his breathing. I knew it was really my own breath. Edward was the reason I kept breathing, and as long as I was alive, he was too. As long as he was alive, I was. So our breath was the same.

My eyes were on the crowd, already searching for Edward. Alice was speaking in Italian to a guard, and I knew she was trying to convince him to let the car in. No cars inside. I stepped out suddenly and Alice gave me a smile to give me the needed strength, and I started to push my way through the crowd.

Edward would stand out. He was taller than most, his pale skin would shout out his name to me, I could spot his eyes anywhere. I could smell him. He was there, somewhere. I would recognize his clothes, his posture, his face, his walk. I would recognize everything about him. I would recognize him as the man I loved, not the monster, because he did love me. I forced the tears back and the sobs down so no one stopped me to ask if I was okay. But wasn't it obvious? I wasn't okay and I would never be okay until I had Edward again.

I said his name in my mind over and over so I wouldn't forget the purpose of being in Italy. Not that I could forget. How could I forget when this was all my fault? I ran his head through my head, saying it out loud a few times. Edward would recognize my voice, and he would be able to hear the whisper in the loud crowd. He would hear me and he would pause. He couldn't be killed. I would stop him. I would save him. He didn't deserve death.

Time was going too fast now when it had been paused for a month and a half. I had almost no time when I wished I had so much more. Five minutes at most. It was six minutes until noon, and I couldn't waste any time at all. I had to get Edward before he stepped into the sunlight. I ran on. I pushed myself. I started toward the clock tower--that was where the sun was, the majority of the crowd, that was where Edward was going. He was on his way there. I didn't care if people were hurt as I shoved them out of my way. I didn't know where this new strength came from, but I was grateful for it. I had to keep going. Fast. Hard. Now. I had to feel strong then, strong for Edward, strong enough to run a thousand miles to find him. The few hundred feet from the clock tower did feel like a thousand miles. A hundred thousand because I was searching for the most important thing in my life.

All the pain, all the tears were forgotten. They didn't matter anymore. The past didn't matter if I was able to save Edward. He saved my life at least twice, and if I, the simple human girl, could save his life once, I would be satisfied. What human could save a vampire? What human would? I was willing. I wanted to make it happen now. I wanted to catch a glimpse of him right away, but the crowd was much too thick. "Damn, damn, damn," I muttered as my time was running down. I jumped up onto the pool wall of the fountain, trying to get a glimpse to see where he was. Any glance, any sight. Anything. I had to find him. I saw him twenty feet away from me, so close, and yet so far away. He looked horrible. Shirtless, with his hands turned up to the sky. He looked peaceful somehow, not tortured. But the peacefulness worried me most. He was ready. Ready to leave this world because he thought I had. "Edward!" I yelled, jumping down into the water to make the trip shorter and get a few sprinting steps in before I entered the crowd again. He paused, but he shook his head. Defiantly. He didn't believe I was real. He didn't believe it was me, and he continued walking. He recognized my voice, but he thought I was dead. He refused to even look because, for years, the Cullen family had relied on Alice's visions. Intent or reason was never shown, but he believed I was dead. He'd called and Jake said Charlie was at a funeral. The pieces were put together and he came to the conclusion that I was dead. How could I call his name if I was dead? Why would I? Or maybe the peacefulness was because he thought my ghost was calling him into the afterlife, waiting for him. I knew the reasoning he used. I understood it so well because this was the man I so desperately loved.

So I had to prove he wasn't imagining things. I could still catch him. I ran through the fountain, ignoring the water as it splashed into my eyes. I was moving faster than he was. There was still a chance that he would turn, so I continued yelling his name. I was out of breath. My lungs were burning, burning for Edward. My muscles were cramped because they needed Edward's touch, and my stomach was twisted with anxiety and hunger, hunger for Edward. I was just feet away, and I shoved the last person out of my way.

Nothing was stopping me now. I jumped on Edward, jumped into his arms. He caught me in his powerful arms. He held me for a moment, then he let me slip from his arms to the ground. "Edward, it's me," I whispered, seeing the pain over his face after he'd sent a single glance down at me. Now he was looking away.

"No. You jumped. You're dead," he said, his voice quiet.

I grabbed his hand and made him touch my face like he used to. I let his fingers be covered in my tears. "It's me, Edward," I said, tears pouring down my cheeks in this new desperation. I just needed him to believe me. It was all he had to do and then his pain would be gone. That was all I needed. "I'm real. It was a misunderstanding with the cliff. Don't do this. I'm here. I love you. I'm not dead. It's me, Edward. It's Timmy. I'm right here. Please, don't do this to me. You have to believe me."

Edward looked at me then, unwilling to hurt even a hallucination of me. His eyes bore into mine so easily. They flickered with a tiny light that disappeared in seconds. For a moment, his hand was limp and I had to hold it to my cheek. Then he slowly moved his thumb to wipe away the tears. I smiled, waiting for the life to return to his eyes. "It's me," I whispered, but he still didn't believe I was anything but a hallucination. His eyebrows knit together when I showed another weak smile. He placed his other hand on my other cheek, feeling the tears as they fell. Didn't they prove I was real?--No tears in the afterlife and how could a ghost be so desperate when there was no hope of changing anyway? He was questioning his conclusion that I was dead now. I put both my hands on his chest, wishing he would hold me close. He wiped the tears away again. I smiled again, and then it broke because I couldn't fight anymore. I broke into sobs. "It's me, Edward. Please..."

He didn't reply. Instead, he pulled me into his arms. More passion than ever. None of his strength was held back. He didn't care if he left a few bruises on me. He held me in one arm, so easily, and put his other hand on my cheek, still wiping away the tears as the new ones fell. They would never stop. This man still loved me! This was the man I loved. The man I loved, my Edward, was replacing the monster. He kissed my lips, as I closed my eyes, fighting the tears back. His hand caressed my back so perfectly and he slipped his tongue into my mouth. He closed his eyes; it was like this was what he'd been waiting for all along. I pushed my hands up into his hair, grabbing as much as I could, pulling it hard to make sure I never lost him again, trying to pull him closer when he was already crushing me with his strength, with his passion. He slid his tongue into my mouth, running it along the inside of my teeth, tearing at the hem of my shirt with the hand holding me up to him. He erased the tears, and then he paused. He kissed my lips once more, pausing to breathe in the air around me. He opened his eyes to meet mine and I realized how dark they were. Black. He hadn't hunted. I smiled at him through the tears, trying to be strong. He'd starved himself in my absence. He leaned in, brushing my lips and my cheek with his lips, removing the tears with his lips, letting my tears become part of him, like he was taking my pain. Then he let me slowly slip from his arms, falling to the ground. He caught me so easily, like he knew I would never be able to stand without him. He put my head to his chest, hugging me so tightly I couldn't breathe. But I couldn't have breathed anyway. His presence was intoxicating, even more than I remembered. I couldn't breathe with him there. Only it was a good kind of breathless. It was the only kind I ever wanted.

Then suddenly, he grabbed my hand. I looked around. Something was wrong. His face was worried, protective. "Come on, Ma Vie. We have to move," he said, and I spotted the four pale people. They wore robes with hoods to hide their skin. Gloves, even on the hot day. Every inch of their skin was covered. They were careful to never leave the shadow. I knew they were vampires.

"Volturi?" I asked weakly, leaning into Edward as he slipped his arm around me. He was supporting almost all my weight.

He nodded. "Come on."

"Will they hurt you?"

"Just be quiet for a minute, Timmy. I have to get you out of here."

"No, I'm not going to be quiet! Will they hurt you?"

Edward paused to glance down at me. He shook his head. "No. They're not interested in me," he whispered, and I knew he was talking about me. The Volturi was interested in me! He hugged me closer, but I noticed how he put me behind him protectively as he grew closer to the Volturi. I could tell his intention was just to pass them, and he could hear their thoughts. Conversation was unneeded, and he'd never stepped into the sunlight. Nothing had been broken. No one else knew. But maybe that was just it. No one else. No one besides me, and I knew. That was a problem maybe.

"What's going on, Edward? Please, just tell me. I can't take anymore right now," I said, not bothering to be gentle with my words. I couldn't take anymore, and that should have been obvious when I almost passed out at his sight.

He sighed deeply. "Don't worry about me, love. They're not going to hurt me."

"And you said that already! 'They're not interested in me'. So what the hell are they interested in?"

"They know I can't read your mind. You're immune to talents like that. Your mind is a private place. They can't get in your mind either. They want me to turn you and... It doesn't matter. Just let me get you out of here. No more questions."

I was silent then. And Edward stiffened as he passed the Volturi. They met my eyes. Red. They fed off human blood. I flinched away instinctively and molded myself into Edward's side, feeling the tears come on again. "Carry me," I whispered in my fear. I wasn't ready for another run in with vampires. Edward would try to protect me, be killed in the process. I couldn't let that happen.

"I can't, dammit! I'm supposed to be human, remember? Just stop squirming and look normal."

I laughed coldly, wondering what 'looking normal' looked like in Italy, and if I could ever survive that again. But Edward held me closer, pushing my hair from my face. Even in crazy time, he was being gentle. Not crushing my ribs. I broke into a slight jog to keep up, and we passed through the crowd, into an alley. And Edward let out a sigh of relief, slowing to a casual stroll. "That's it?" I asked.

"Yeah. We're supposed to stay out of sight for a few days. A shirtless vampire, even in the shadows, draws too much attention. And then your reaction, mine, and... Let's go," he whispered. "Alice is meeting us nearby and we can get a hotel room."


	18. Chapter 17

Chapter Seventeen

Alice met us nearby, always in the shadows, carrying my backpack. She said she'd gotten us the presidential suite so we'd be nice and comfortable for our wait. That would never happen. I wasn't sure if Edward would leave me again once this was all over. I couldn't relax. I walked with tears in my eyes, arms folded and pressed into my stomach to calm the butterflies, and Edward's hand guiding me gently, touching my back. I hated how it felt. So foreign when it should have been so familiar. The hotel was outside of Volterra and we had to walk until there wasn't anyone to see Edward and Alice running vampire speed because a policeman had recognized the Porsche to be stolen. I was shaking. Weak with hunger, but we couldn't stop.

"So you didn't jump?" Edward asked quietly.

"No, I did," I answered softly. Weakly, and my voice was too quiet. I gulped back the sob and looked away. "I was cliff diving, not trying to kill myself... intentionally. Just absent mindedly."

Edward nodded, and I saw his smile. I froze then, shaking my head. He was pretending we were okay and we weren't. I raised my hands and took a few steps away from him. "I-I can't do this," I whispered. I put a shaking hand over my mouth and leaned back into a wall as the tears flooded my vision. "Edward, I just can't. I did what I came here to do. You're safe, and... I'm gonna go. I'll... Um... I'm sorry. I just..." I turned, but Edward stopped me with a hand on my arm. I pushed it off. "No. Leave me alone. Please. I'm not ready to do this. We both know what's going to happen, how this will end, so let's just leave it here. A happy ending, right? Isn't that how it's supposed to be? Us walking away in our separate directions, happy that the other is alive and only happy."

"You're not happy though," Edward said gently. "You're crying again."

I flinched away when he moved to wipe away my tears. "No. I'm not doing this anymore. You left and I... I can't move on." I meant move on from my love for Edward, and he didn't understand that. We were too awkward. It made me so angry. The anger swamped over me. I wanted to lash out, hurt Edward, but I already was hurting him. I wiped the tears away myself then, squaring my shoulders. I was out of trouble. Edward was safe. My anger started to settle in, grow. I glanced around the alley as Edward stood, a foot in front of me. And Alice was right there, two or three feet away, head bowed. I sighed. "I can't. I can't do this. Please just leave me alone." I turned and started back the way we'd come. I was scared again. It was like the monster was still there. Edward, my Edward hadn't returned at all. He'd appeared for a few minutes, but he was gone again. I wasn't ready to accept that Edward would leave me again, so I would leave him and I would never be hurt again. It was a move of desperation as I tried to flee from the man I loved so much, the man that had hurt me so badly. One thing I knew, more than anything else, love gave someone the power to break you. I wasn't going to give Edward that power ever again. It was a survival thing. A broken, destroyed body fighting to find that one way to run hard enough and fast enough to escape their hunter. Edward had broken me, and I couldn't let that happen again.

"Timmy, wait," Edward called, and I paused. He came up behind me. "Let me explain why I left."

"No!" I exclaimed, spinning to face him and ripping my arm out of his grasp in the process. "I know why you left. I found your stupid letter! You left it somewhere you knew I wouldn't find it soon if I found it at all. You were too much of a coward to tell me that to my face. So you left a note and left me there to pick up the pieces that you broke in the first place. You knew exactly what it would be like for me after you left, and you left anyway."

"I had to. You don't understand what--"

"No, you don't understand, Edward. You have somewhere to go. You can run away because your family lets you. You can cling to whatever you want to and you can run wherever because that's the life you've lived for so long. You learned to move on so easily. I didn't have anywhere to run. You knew what all those letters meant to me, and the letter you left was the same bullshit that you fed me for so long! It means absolutely nothing if you can't say it to my face. You left me to rot in hell and you didn't even tell me why."

"I thought it was a mistake."

"Yeah, you're damn right it was! Just not what you thought was the mistake." I shook my head. Why was I doing this? The tears fell again and I closed my eyes as they did. I had to do this. "You used to look at me like I was the only one around, like I was the only person in the world besides you. I gave my everything to you. I trusted you to always be honest with me! I gave you what I wouldn't give anyone else. It wasn't that you left. It's that you lied about it! If you would have explained the true reasons--"

"You would have begged me to stay until I did," Edward finished. "And then I would have killed you."

"No, you did kill me," I replied, and he met my eyes. "You killed every part of me when you left, and I can't... Please leave me alone." I turned on my heel and quickly started walking back towards the plaza. Out of my peripheral vision, I saw Edward was following and quickly stepped into the sunlight. That way, he couldn't reach out to grab me. He sighed, and muttered something under his breath. I thought it sounded like he was swearing, but he'd been mad before and I'd yet to hear him cuss. "I'm not going to pretend anymore, Edward. I'm not okay. I'm not happy. I'm not moving on. Loving you is killing me because I let myself fall in love. And I want those months to be enough, but they're not! I was given no warning. I never saw this coming. I can't believe you left me like that. You built me up and then you just tore me down like I was yours to destroy. It left me cold, out of breath, and... destroyed. I should have started running a long, long time ago." I laughed coldly, wiping the tears away. "Well, I'm running now. I'm not going to let you hurt me again."

I turned towards where the Volturi had been. Edward punched the wall, which made me jump. A loud crash that was so loud it hurt my ears, followed by a spray of pieces of brick falling to the ground. He cursed under his breath, fiercely. "Is she trying to kill herself for real?" he muttered, and I somehow knew he was turning to Alice in that small silence. "Does she have a hoodie in her bag?" A pause and I knew he was reading her mind--why did I have to know him so damn well? "...She always gets 'em like three sizes too big... Dammit!" I broke into sobs at the sound of his anger. It hurt to leave. I wondered if that was how Edward felt when he'd left me. But he didn't understand. This was all I could do. I couldn't let myself be vulnerable anymore. I covered my mouth and reached for my iPod, which was in my pocket. I stuffed the earphones in and turned it up so I couldn't hear Edward's voice anymore, but I missed it once the loud music blocked it. He was following feet away, hidden in the shadows. I shook my head defiantly. All I wanted to do was go back, run into him. No. I couldn't. I wouldn't.

I'd spent so long wanting Edward. Desperately begging for him. I had him for those few seconds. I couldn't let myself get my hopes up when they would only be destroyed again. I couldn't enjoy a few days with him with the knowledge that it would end. Wasn't it better if it just ended now? Wasn't that the best and easiest way? I turned down my music as I went to change it to one of my songs. One of the songs I'd written for Edward, even if I didn't have the words on my iPod. Just the music. I needed something to distract me. Anything. "Ma Vie, I love you. Please..." Edward was saying quietly, and I could hear him. I hated that I could hear him. It was like he knew exactly what to say. But I wasn't the Timberlee he knew. I'd molded myself into this new person. The new Timberlee was like the monster. She wouldn't go back or turn because of begging. Cold hearted and broken somehow.

I sighed deeply. Edward was there. I had to tell him how I felt. I glanced at him. He paused, meeting my eyes. I shook my head to tell him I hadn't changed his mind, but I slowly began to sing, so quietly that only he could hear, and the words came automatically--I knew this song so well. I had to make him understand! Then maybe... just maybe this would work somehow.

I'm not quite sure how to breathe without you here  
I'm not quite sure if I'm ready to say goodbye to all we were  
Be with me  
Stay with me  
Just for now  
Let the time decide  
When I won't need you

My hand searches for your hand  
In a dark room  
I can't find you  
Help me  
Are you looking for me?

Can I feel anymore?  
Lie to me, I'm fading  
I can't drop you  
Tell me, I don't need you

My hand searches for your hand  
In a dark room  
I can't find you  
Help me  
Are you looking for me?

Etch this into my brain for me  
Tell me, how it's supposed to be  
Where everything will go  
And how I'll be without you by my side

My hand searches for your hand  
In a dark room  
I can't find you  
Help me  
Are you looking for me?

My hand searches for your hand  
In a dark room  
I can't find you  
Help me  
Are you looking for me?

I paused with half my body in the shadows--I did that on purpose because I wanted him to hold me, pull me into his strong embrace to comfort me like my Edward would. I turned to him, sobbing. "Tell me when I won't hurt anymore," I whispered, and he pulled me into his arms. He breathed out a sigh of relief, but my anger wasn't gone. I shook my head once he released me. "I can't run from you, Edward. I want to protect myself so bad because I hate how much I hurt, but I need you too much." Edward stroked my hair and I gasped for air as I tried to swallow the sobs. The tears were so steady and they fell onto Edward's chest. He pushed my hair back over my shoulder. "Please, Edward. You always had the just right thing to say before. Why is it so empty now? Why do I have to be so desperate? Why can't I move on? What's wrong with me? Why do I need you so much?"

Edward let me pull back so I could look into his black eyes. "Nothing's wrong with you, Timmy. You just know that I was lying when I said I didn't love you. You're confused and exhausted. Please, let's go back. You need to lay down and we can talk later." He slowly pulled me back towards the alley, and Alice was waiting. With his arm around me and her hand in my mine, I found the strength to walk. I was walking by his side. But I was still running from the truth--Edward would leave again. None of this mattered. I could enjoy those few days, and then he would leave me. I would be alone again, as desperate as ever. I couldn't just live with the knowledge that he loved me. I needed reassurance because it was hard enough to believe that a vampire was real. It was almost impossible. I kept thinking that Edward was just a delusion in the first place, and that thought tortured me. I couldn't keep going. I was lost between the knowledge that Edward loved me and the panic I felt at the knowledge that he would leave again. If he was tempted after he'd just hunted, what would he be when his eyes were as dark as they were now? I couldn't lay down. I couldn't sleep. Because I was scared he would leave again if I did, leave in my sleep. I couldn't give this man my heart when he would only leave me again. And as hard as I tried, I couldn't even put up my wall because I knew I did love him. I was trapped.

We made it to the hotel safely. In the elevator, I pulled myself out of Edward's arms, even if my body tried to resist it. I wanted to be in his arms forever. Why was I running so hard? I nearly collapsed as soon as he let go of me, but I wouldn't let him catch me. Alice did instead. I couldn't trust him yet. I shook my head when he tried to steady me, even after Alice caught me, and he stopped. "You knew all along," I whispered. "That's why I'm so mad. You knew what this would do to me. Then you left, and you had Alice watching me the whole time! You knew about the nausea, and the motorcycle crap, and the threats to send me back to LA. And you knew about the car accident too!" I exclaimed accusingly, hating Edward. He knew about it and he never came to me.

"Motorcycles? The car accident?" Edward repeated quietly, glancing at Alice.

"Yes, when I drove my car into a tree going a hundred miles an hour!" I snapped, stepping out of the elevator quickly to prevent him grabbing my arm.

"On purpose?" Edward inquired, sounding furious.

I glared at him, mouth open in amazement. "You need to leave me alone, please," I whispered. "Get out."

"Timmy--"

"No, I'm serious! I can't do this right now." I snatched the room key out of Alice's hand and ran to my room, closing the door. Within seconds of me curling up on the bed, I heard Edward knocking on the door. I would know it anywhere. I only turned up my music so I couldn't hear him. But he was still waiting, listening for an answer. I finally had Edward back and I kept telling him to leave because I knew he wouldn't let me run anymore. I couldn't stop myself from firing back for some reason. The events of the past few days specifically were overwhelming me, and the exhaustion was even worse. I loved Edward with all my heart, but I couldn't take this yet. I had to wait until I'd sorted out my thoughts. Edward was waiting at my door, and I looked around the room. Romantic colors, the beautiful bed--one bed. Alice had expected Edward and I to be okay. But I was still too hurt. Edward couldn't take my pain, so I was taking it out on him. I hated that I was doing that. I had to release it somehow. I wanted to explain to Edward how I felt. I closed my eyes and began to hum softly. One of my songs. And the words came later, which I sung with the knowledge that they would hurt Edward. Why was I doing this?

I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears  
And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave  
Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating light  
Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind  
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams  
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears  
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears  
And I held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have all of me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone  
But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along

There was another chorus, but I couldn't finish. I was so tired of all my childish fears, trying to avoid the pain of any wound when it was so often unavoidable. Edward had left me in late May. Then he kept appearing in my dreams, in hallucinations, memories there to haunt me at every turn. It was my promise to Edward. I would always be there for him, as long as I could. Whatever his fear was, whether it was killing me or something else, I would help him through it. I would do everything I could, anything. I was bound by this silent contract never to leave Forks because that was the life Edward left behind. I couldn't leave it! I tried so many times to tell myself that Edward wasn't coming back, and that was why I left my phone home that day. He was with me in so many ways through that month and a half when he was off wherever, but I'd been alone that whole time--completely without him.

I broke into sobs worse than ever. I couldn't sing anymore. I needed Edward. I needed him to hold me, to promise me everything would somehow be all right, even if he left again. I'd made him leave though. And I couldn't take it back. He was gone, wasn't he? It was the same question I'd been asking myself for so long. Too long.

I looked up when the door opened. It was Edward, and my sobs doubled. I couldn't help it. I jumped up and ran to him. He caught me easily, pulled me to his chest, and he held me. There was no doubt that he loved me. I knew he did. That question was answered. "I'll hold you until the hurt is gone," he whispered, rubbing my back. I sobbed into his chest, the way I always wanted to if I had to cry. He held me so tightly. My hands were the only things between us, placed on his chest. He held me until my sobs started to slow. Then he picked me up and carried me to the bed. I laid down and rolled over to meet his eyes when he came to sit beside me. I shook my head then. "I won't sleep," I told him quietly.

"Why?" he asked. Too casually. He didn't understand how serious I was.

I shook my head. "Um... Can you give me a second?" I whispered, and got out of bed. I went into the bathroom and closed the door. I leaned back against it, sobbing again. Why did he have to be like that? Why couldn't he just tell me if he was leaving or not? I spent what felt like only minutes crying, but when I woke up on the bathroom floor, I realized I'd cried myself to sleep. A knock on the bathroom door. Quiet voices. No footsteps. Vampires! I sat up. "She won't let me in," Edward muttered quietly. "She's been in there all night. At least she slept, but that's about the least of my worries right now."

Another knock. "Hey, Tim, it's Emmett," the familiar voice called quietly, not teasing me for once! Maybe I was psycho and imagining his voice. "Uh... We hate to break up your party or your bath or--"

"That's not helpful, Emmett!" Esme snapped.

"Sorry. Wanna open the door so I don't have to pick the lock?" Emmett asked.

I sniffed and rolled my eyes. "It's unlocked actually," I replied, standing slowly. I opened the door to see all the Cullens there. Emmett, Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie, Jasper, Alice, and Edward. I smiled weakly. "Sorry. I'm... Uh... Well, you can see for yourself," I finished awkwardly.

"Timberlee, I'm so, so sorry!" Rosalie exclaimed, and I could see she was serious.

"Save the apologies for someone who believes them," Edward muttered furiously.

"No. No. It's fine," I said quickly because I saw Rosalie felt really bad. "It was my fault. Really. I mean... Under the circumstances, it was... understandable. Really, it's fine."

Rosalie smiled at me. Emmett wasn't laughing. Carlisle took my arm and slowly led me to the nearest chair, forcing me to sit down. I realized how much I was shaking. It was visible for the human eye. I sighed, leaning back. Esme hurried forward then. "We owe you everything. Thank you so much for doing this. You don't know how worried we all were, so scared for Edward. He's like my own son," she said gently, placing her hand on mine.

I nodded. "No. Don't mention it. I wouldn't have come if I didn't want to."

"When did you last eat, Timberlee?" Carlisle asked.

I cringed in embarrassment. "Uh..." The single syllable was enough. He knew that I hadn't eaten. That explained some of the shaking. But it was so much deeper than hunger. It was this physical need for Edward that I'd been feeling for so long. Now he was so close, and I couldn't let him in. I had the entire Cullen family here. Alice, my best friend in the entire world. Emmett, my big brother. Jasper, who had once protected me. Rosalie was even being decent. Carlisle and Esme were like a second set of parents. I loved them all, even Rosalie! Most of all, I wanted to leap into Edward's arms, be in them forever. But forever was impossible for any human in my situation. These were vampires. I was human. Our definitions of forever were different. And Edward would only leave again. Why would that change after what had happened? Suicidal thoughts and actions weren't any reason to come back when he thought he almost killed me--I knew he was too strong for that. He couldn't understand my need for him. I wanted so badly to talk to Alice, to have her tell me what to do, how to do it, and so on. It would have been the way things were before he left. But it would never be like that again--Edward would leave me again.

"So what are you all doing here?" I asked quietly. Any conversation to end the silence.

"We were coming to see if we could make it in time to save Edward," Jasper replied in his bass voice. His eyes were golden brown. The lightest of everyone. He'd hunted most recently. I flinched because I hated how I noticed these things so easily. Not even thinking about it. I knew when not to jump on a vampire. I knew when to make slower movements and when not to get too close. "We didn't know if you would come," Rosalie said because no one else would. She was the honest one in that case, not as sensitive to my vulnerability. Or maybe she just didn't care. "We knew Alice was going to get you. We all headed here to see if we could make it in time or to see if Edward would slow down and think for a second if we could get a hold of him and telling him you were alive. If you hadn't come, we would have been too late."

I nodded. "Yeah, thanks for the reminder that I got us all into this," I muttered, and stood.

"I really am sorry, Timberlee. You don't know how horrible I feel."

"No. Stop apologizing and stop thanking me. I jumped off the cliff, remember?"

"You did jump off?" Emmett inquired. A big brother tone. Ugh! He wasn't making it any easier either.

I sighed loudly, and ducked my head when the tears came. "Yeah. I did. I guess it was a form of suicide, but that's not how I meant it. I was cliff diving, which was like another form of running for me," I explained. Seeing his confused look, I tried to smile and only mustered more tears. "Shit. Uh... Sorry. I jumped because I heard Edward in my mind. And I was trying to convince myself that he was gone. Whenever I got into a dangerous situation, like when I'd usually have the worst accident possible or come up with an accident that no one else could have, he used to talk to me," I whispered breathlessly. "I jumped because I wanted him to leave me alone, to just leave. I didn't want it to drag on anymore."

Carlisle glanced at Edward. "You should sleep, and I'll order you some room service," he told me gently.

I shook my head. "I can't eat," I replied coldly. "And I can't sleep either."

"Nightmares?" Emmett joked.

I looked up at him, a hand on the back of my neck. "Yeah. Nightmares. That's exactly what it is," I said, hoping I sounded sarcastic, even if it was true. I didn't need to torture Edward anymore. He'd been silent this whole time. He'd let me fall asleep on the bathroom floor, left me alone like I'd asked. I didn't understand why I couldn't decide. This was Edward Cullen! Better than Romeo and the one man I would always love, no matter what. Why couldn't I love him even more because I knew he was leaving to protect me? I sighed and took a step forward, steadying myself on Esme, who looked as worried as everyone, except Edward. He looked dead with worry. More pale than usual. "I guess I can try," I whispered, and Alice and Esme helped me to the bed. I curled up into a ball immediately, eyes on Edward. Everyone else filed out of the room; Edward paused, standing still and staring after them. He looked about ready to refuse to leave until I finished my tantrum and got back to myself. He sent one glance at me, then he nodded and left. Seconds later, I heard him talking quietly. Human volume. Human speed. He was really upset. He sounded horrible. Raspy and... miserable. He was too hurt to even make sure I couldn't hear. Maybe he thought I was too angry to listen in the first place. "She can't even decide what she wants," he was telling his family. I was glad they were so close. Maybe they could help him because I couldn't then. Helping myself had to come first in some situations.

"She's angry with me, and I can understand that. She's exhausted, dead on her feet. She can't figure out if she should trust me or not. I understand all of that. I just wish I knew what she was thinking when she looks at me so I could help her. I wish I could help her decide somehow, make it easier for her so..." He sighed loudly, and I heard the next bedroom door slam. He was in it, behind the closed door. The only way to get to him was to go through the main area.

I glanced at my backpack. It held the picture of us--the one he hadn't taken. I grabbed it quickly, feeling the need for Edward. But what was a picture when Edward was twenty feet away? I stared at it for moments. Yes, I could be hurt again. That was love. It was never given without a price. I'd given Edward my love before and he'd made the months we had the best I'd ever lived. I could do with a few more days like that, a chance to become ready and to say my final goodbyes if he would leave again. I sighed and jumped up, determined. My fear grew as I reached the door, grabbing the knob. I could imagine everyone staring at it, waiting for the door to open. So I would take the stares. I wouldn't hurt Edward anymore. I had to stop. I had to decide because this was torturing him.

I yanked to door open and I walked straight to the next door. I couldn't believe he'd slammed it before. I pushed it open without knocking, the tears flowing again. Edward was on the bed, eyes closed, hands behind his head. He looked stressed out, unable to relax. He paused for a long moment, then opened his eyes and looked at me. I couldn't smile. I was breathless again, about to breakdown because I felt such an urge for him. Need. Necessity. The shaking was worse again. "I've decided," I whispered, almost inaudible. "I can't live without you. I want to make the most of this." I waited out the seconds of silence that felt like minutes. Then Edward held out his hand as an invitation to join him on the bed and I ran to him. I jumped into his arms, not caring that my hair flew into his face or that I knocked the breath out of my body again. My breath would return and I could move my hair. This was Edward! My Edward! He was back. Even if he would leave again. This was my chance to be rid of the monster forever. If nothing else, I could get rid of the monster.

Edward pushed my hair out of my eyes after I flung it out of his face again. He stared into my eyes, wiping away the tears. He was questioning me because he didn't want to hurt me. He didn't want me to think I was stronger than I was. I could hear his thoughts almost. I knew this man so well! I smiled at him through the tears. "I knew what I wanted all along. But I'm human, remember? Hormones, sleep deprived brain, not to mention oxygen deprived from me holding my breath or losing it by jumping on you," I said, and managed a tiny laugh. "I've known all along. I don't want anything else. Only you. I want to make this last."

Edward smiled at me, kissing the tear streams. He moved to my lips then, caressing them with a restrained amount of strength. My giggle brought a huge laugh from Emmett in the next room, which ruined the moment. I buried my face in Edward's side in embarrassment and he rolled his eyes. I grabbed Edward's hand when he started to stand. "No. Let him," I told him quietly, and Edward settled down again. I rested my head on his chest.

This would be hard. Enjoying the few days we had before they ended. I would do it though. All of it. I would do whatever I had to do. I had to preserve these memories in my head forever. I curled up into Edward's side, wrapping my arms around him. The last thing I remembered was him kissing my head and whispering "Ma Vie" in my ear. Thoughtfully, and I wanted to know so badly what he was thinking because maybe he was wondering about the same things--could we be apart again? I fell asleep in his arms. No nightmare. No horrible dreams. No confusing dreams. Peace. It could have been a peace that never lasted. But I had to make the most of it. And I slept soundly, breathing in and out so easily now that Edward was there. Breathing in the air that smelled just like him, breathing in those moments that took my breath away, like when he kissed me. I saw how he closed his eyes. He wanted to put more passion into it, but that passion would crush me physically. He treated me like I was a porcelain doll. Fragile, and I was then. Both mentally and physically. But maybe, just maybe I would never be so wounded again, even if Edward left again. That question would be answered in the future, and I knew it. So I could sleep soundly that night. No fears. No worries. Just Edward. My Edward. With me. That was all I needed in that moment.

-------------------------------

A/N: First song in this chapter is "Need" by Hana Pestle. The second is "My Immortal" by Evanscence. I'm not sure if the lyrics are the same for both versions, but I used the band version if not.


	19. Chapter 18

Chapter Eighteen

I woke up slowly. I was amazed to see Edward there, watching me sleep. I frowned for a moment, trying to remember what the hell had happened. Oh, right! Cliff diving, then Italy. I closed my eyes in frustration and snapped my mouth shut suddenly. Even if I hadn't had anything to eat, my morning breath probably wasn't attractive to anyone. Vampire or human. And I was ninety percent sure I was dead anyway. Volturi, remember? Yeah. I was definitely dead. Why else would Edward be there? It was too good to be a dream, but also too good to be true. So I concluded that I'd died and gone to heaven. I liked that conclusion. Edward was there at least! "Shit," I mumbled, and Edward laughed.

"That's the warmest welcome I've ever had," he announced.

"No. I mean, if I'm dead, what happened to Alice and everyone?"

Edward sat up so he was leaning over me a bit. His hair was longer than I remembered... And his eyes were still just as black. I held my breath, wondering if vampires were still tempted in heaven. "You're not dead," he told me, and I was already shaking my head before he finished. "Why won't you believe me?"

I explained my theory and Edward laughed again. "You're crazy, but I love you for it. How do I put it so you believe me? You're not asleep. You're not dead. You're wide awake, staring at me like I'm some ghost. I'm here, and I love you. I have always loved you and I always will. I was thinking of you, seeing your face in my mind, every second that I was away. When I told you that I didn't love you, it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy." That proved I was alive and awake! Heaven wasn't supposed to be sad. That topic did make me sad because it reminded me Edward would soon leave. My face fell immediately, and my stomach lurched. I tried to push Edward off me in case my nausea got bad again. He wouldn't move. Maybe he thought I was asking him to leave again. He leaned in and kissed my lips, but I couldn't kiss him back. "What's wrong?" he whispered gently.

"I'm sorry. I just... It's hard to be happy when I know how this will end," I explained.

Edward frowned. "And how do you think this will end?" he inquired, just as gently, just more sad now.

"If you left before, and the fact that I managed to get through a month and a half without being attacked by vampires or dying, isn't that only encouraging you to leave again? Doesn't that prove that you were right to leave? Won't it just make you leave again?"

"You barely made it through it without being killed by other means that I could have prevented."

I shook my head doubtfully. "Not really. I mean, the car accident was... complicated. And the cliff diving thing could have come up another time. And it was in La Push, so you couldn't have stopped me." I was changing the subject, avoiding the answer I knew was coming--Edward would leave me again. I just didn't want to hear it confirmed. I chewed on my lip as he tried to kiss me again. It was like he knew he could silence me that way. I glared up at him, trying not to smile. It was hard! He did love me. I could see that. "So what were you doing while I was exploring extreme sports?" I asked casually.

"I'll explain some day," Edward replied. "By the way, I'm not leaving."

I stopped smiling and stared at him. I wondered if it was some kind of cruel joke. I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to remember how sincere Edward had looked before when he'd promised me things. He wiped the tears as they began to fall--this had to be a joke. It seemed to me like he had more reason to leave now than ever. Maybe I was missing something. "I'm not going anywhere, Timmy. You made me realize a few things before. I only left you in the first place because I wanted to give you a chance to have a normal, happy, human life. I could see what I was doing to you--keeping you constantly on the edge of danger, taking you away from the world you belonged in, risking your life every moment I was with you. I had to try. I had to do something, and it seemed like leaving was the only way. If I hadn't thought you would be better off, I could have never have made myself leave. I'm much too selfish. Only you could be more important than what I wanted... what I needed. What I want and need is to be with you, and I know I'll never be strong enough to leave again. I have too many excuses to stay. It seems you can't be safe, no matter how many miles I put between us."

I was shaking again, staring up into his black eyes. I shook my head once. "I'll never be better off without you," I whispered. I sighed. "Promise me you won't get really mad, okay?"

Edward nodded once, but he looked like he knew he would be angry, despite the promise.

"Before the car accident, I was at your house. I was stupid and I went there. I knew I'd been missing for however long, lost in the woods and too exhausted to move anyway, plus twenty other dumb reasons. I just thought maybe I could catch you before you left or something stupid like that. Your window was open. I wanted to jump out of it because I thought you might catch me. I ran because I didn't want to be suicidal or that careless. Then I was speeding down the road and being more careless than before, and... It was stupid. I just didn't know what else to do. It was like everything left, everything that mattered or gave meaning to life. The moon and the sun. Like... there was no difference between day and night--they were both so dark. Are you mad at me?"

Edward shook his head. "I think we've both had our turn with suicidal thoughts," he muttered, and I managed a smile. "Before you, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars--points of light and reason. And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire. There was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no reason for anything. Can you ever understand that?"

"Your eyes will adjust," I whispered, wondering if Edward would ever get the urge to leave again. I wanted to believe him so badly. It was a need. I couldn't decide if it was right though.

"No. That's just it--they won't. They can't. I need you too." Edward paused because my stomach growled, and I grabbed his hand before he could jump up to leave. He sighed, rolling his eyes. "You can't stop me, ya know?" he said quietly, and I shrugged. It was true--I wasn't as strong as him. I had other methods of trying to prevent him from leaving though. "I'm only gonna be a few minutes, beautiful."

"Nope. Phone's by the bed. Use that one."

"Timmy, come on. I'll be back in two minutes."

I shook my head defiantly. "Nope."

Edward sighed. "Would you learn to take care of yourself for once before I lose you?" he muttered, and I only glared back. He rolled his eyes. "Fine. I'll put it this way. You're eating or I'm stuffing it down your throat. And I'm going to go order you the food, you're not going to argue about it, or I will have Carlisle get the needles out to put an IV in your arm."

I laughed, but Edward could hear the nervous edge in it--I hated needles. "Is that a threat?"

He nodded. "Of course, but you're welcome to put it into a term more polite if you wish."

"Just go! Two minutes or I'm not eating it," I yelled after him, throwing one of the pillows at the door. I rested my head on another pillow, counting down the seconds, ready to refuse if he was a second late. I closed my eyes in exhaustion, surprised that I was still tired. I'd slept so soundly with Edward there. He was like my guardian. He would always be there. I was so happy that he promised not to leave. And now that had settled in. I wanted nothing more than to stay up all night and talk to Edward, though I had no doubt he would demand I sleep more. He would claim we had the rest of time to talk. But we only had the rest of my life. And even if I lived to be a hundred, we would still have so much to cover!

Edward returned twenty-two seconds early. He smiled at me, jumping on the bed, which made me laugh. "Hope you're as hungry as you look," he said, laying down next to me so his head was rested on my hair. He pushed it around for a moment, then sighed, looking away. "Would apologizing help any?" he asked, sounding thoughtful.

I glanced at him. "Help you or me?"

"You," he answered, like it should have been obvious.

I shook my head. "No, it would make me feel worse actually. I wish you would never leave me again. Promise you won't ever leave me again, please. I have to hear it. Straight out, no fancy love stuff." I heard Emmett laugh in the other room. "Really simple."

Edward nodded. "I promise you, Timberlee Ember Stone, that I will never leave you, hurt you, or abandon you. I swear," he said, meeting my eyes. I could believe him now! I did believe him. He kissed my cheek. "I swear that I will love you for everything you are, treasure every part of you, preserve every twinkle in your eye, and I swear that I will punch Emmett if he doesn't shut up," he finished, and I laughed, burying my face in Edward's cheek. Emmett was still snickering outside. I could imagine him wiping away tears that weren't really there. He just did it for the dramatic effect, trying to get me to get really mad. And at that moment, I was too happy to give a damn that Emmett was listening into every word. And I knew the others were listening too. But they wouldn't tease me about it for years to come.

I smiled and sat up. "That's all I ever want," I told him. Edward was silent, holding me tighter. For some reason, he didn't seem to mind the scent of my blood anymore, even as he traced the veins in my wrist under the crescent from where his teeth had broken the skin as he sucked my blood clean of James' venom.

Alice brought me in the room service, and I wondered if there was a silent vote to who got to come in. It seemed like Esme would want to so Emmett wouldn't somehow get details and tease us about it forever. And I doubted Alice would give up without an argument. Carlisle wouldn't care. Rosalie probably wouldn't either. Jasper probably just wanted to keep his distance... Maybe there was som other reason Alice brought it in. I sat up, crossing my legs and saw Edward exchange a glance with his sister. Then she flashed a grin on her way out, excited, like she had some stupid, abnormally large and expensive gift just outside. I narrowed my eyes at Edward--he was in on it, whatever it was. "What was that about?" I asked, cutting the first meatball. He'd kept it simple--spaghetti, meatballs, Italian bread. I was glad. I wasn't in the mood for anything too fancy. He could still read me so well. "Some more secrets?" I pressed when he didn't immediately answer.

Edward went to sit across from me. "I don't mean to keep secrets. But it's a surprise," he replied, taking the knife to cut my meatballs--I was having trouble with him so beautiful and I couldn't stop staring. I would never adjust to that kind of beauty. He smiled at me. "If you want to know, I'll tell you. It'll ruin the surprise though, which I spent like three hours of last night working on."

"Really?" I pressed, suddenly excited. Okay, so it was Edward's surprise! Not Alice. I liked that a lot better. "Good or bad?" I asked after swallowing. "For me and my fear of gifts," I added before he could answer.

"I think you'll like it. Well, them actually."

"Then don't tell me."

Edward smiled, obviously pleased. Three hours of the night! Wow! It must be an extreme surprise. "Here," he said quietly and so suddenly that it made me jump a little. I hadn't expected him to say anything for a while. I thought he would demand that I eat until I felt sick, then force me to sleep, and then I could go to Carlisle and have him tell Edward that it wasn't a good idea for me to go to bed so soon after eating. Only I didn't know if there was any other health problems with that besides the possibility of gaining some weight, which Edward would like. So, maybe it was a counter-effective plan. But he handed me a silky cloth tied up with a black ribbon, and I wondered why he chose black or if he'd chosen it at all. It looked like there was nothing in it anyway. After I felt it for a minute, I knew there was something in it; I just couldn't guess what. Edward saw my confused look and shrugged. "It's yours. It's been bothering me. It never belonged to anyone else, so..."

I frowned and carefully began to untie the ribbon, watching Edward's face. I met his eyes for reassurance that time. He nodded once, no smile. He was nervous! I opened the cloth on my palm and looked down. "My ring!" I whispered, pulling it out of the cloth. "You found my ring. How? Where? When?"

Edward took it and put it on my finger carefully. "Took me six hours actually, so this isn't the surprise by the way," he admitted with a grin. He shrugged. "I expected you to find some way to convince me I'd made the worst mistake of my life--which it was. I wanted you to have it."

"What's so special about it? Some deep meaning you never told me about?"

Edward smiled. "Actually, yes. My father put his life savings in to buy it for my mother. Their second date ever. He gave it to her," Edward explained.

"So he knew right away that she was for him?" I inquired.

Edward nodded. "You're the only one who deserves it. And I could never give it to anyone else. Don't get mad at me for not telling you about the deep meanings though. I didn't want to press your already bad luck by telling you I gave you a dead person's ring," he explained.

I rolled my eyes because of the comment about my bad luck, though it was true. "Thanks. Thank you so much. For giving it to me, and for finding it," I said with a smile and squeezed his hand. It felt so right on my finger. That ring was meant to be on my hand. It amazed me that it fit perfectly. It made me want to cry out of happiness. Were it not for the fact that I was out of tears, I probably would have. "You don't know how much it means to me. It's impossible to explain."

He didn't reply. He pointed to my plate, which I had totally forgotten about. "Would you eat? You look like one of us!" he exclaimed, gesturing towards the door that connected my room and the main area. "You need to sleep too."

I smiled at the though. I could sleep soundly with Edward's arms around me. That would be even better than just his presence. I wanted to sleep for the first time in forever. Wanted to! I finished every bit of my food because I was starving and my stomach had finally settled. Edward took away the tray and returned to see me in a clean pair of cut off sweats and a t-shirt. He pulled me into his arms before I could even lay down. He started humming my lullaby, and I glanced at him. "All my letters, pictures, and stuff. Where'd you take them?" I asked. "Where'd you put them?"

"They were never gone actually," he corrected, forcing me to lie down. "They're under your floor board." He sat up, pushing me up with him. He touched the old burn mark on my leg from the motorcycle accident and I cringed. Cut off sweats was a bad idea! He would want an explanation for that... "What happened?"

"I burnt myself," I said honestly.

"So I can see. How? What'd you do--drop a skillet on your foot, have it bounce off somehow, then try and catch it with your leg?"

"Ha ha. Very funny," I muttered, but it was amusing how much that sounded like something that would happen to me for real! I leaned back so he could get a better look at the nasty burn on my leg. "I was riding motorcycles with Jake. I got another in Port Angeles. Jake was leading me somewhere. We were in this really thick forest, and I was going too fast. I knew that. Way too fast." I paused because I didn't want to tell him about my hallucinations anymore, but he would find out eventually. I would let it slip sometime. So I closed my eyes and sighed. "I heard you talking to me. I thought you were in the forest, or that thought had occurred to me. I knew how stupid it was. I kept trying to speed fast enough to see you, thinking maybe you were hiding there. Human reflexes, panic attacks, heart throb, mud, and a thick forest, plus me on a motorcycle is a sure recipe for disaster. I had to turn really fast to avoid hitting a tree head on. I turned too suddenly, and the bike fell over on me. Burnt my leg. Jake had to pull it off me." I shrugged. "I cleaned it up myself. No rare infections or anything, so that's a plus."

Edward nodded, but I could tell he was beating himself up again. He ran his fingers over the burn mark so lightly that it didn't hurt. His cold fingers felt good against the skin. He hugged me closely, giving no reply. I fell asleep in his arms, but that time, his presence didn't chase away the nightmares. I woke up with a scream, sweating, and Edward's arms knocked the breath out of me as I tried to sit up suddenly. That told me he was real. I groaned, closing my eyes. Alice, Carlisle, Esme, Emmett, and Jasper all came running. Not Rosalie at least... I covered my face, trying not to cry that time as I crumbled into Edward's arms. This was my Edward holding me. Why did the monster have to come back? I sighed. "Sorry. Nightmare," I told everyone, and Carlisle was the only one to remain by the door after that. He was probably debating whether or not to give me a sedative, and Edward shaking his head only made me suspect it more. I ran a hand through my hair. "Sorry. I thought the dreams would stop," I explained quietly, glancing at Edward to make sure he wasn't angry with himself. "Sorry. I hope I didn't--"

"Sorry? Why are you sorry?" Edward asked. "Why are you apologizing to me?"

"I forgave you already. I promised I wouldn't torture you anymore. I don't want to keep reminding either of us about it all," I told him softly, glancing at Carlisle, who sent me an encouraging smile. "I thought they would stop with you here. I'm more just mad that they're not stopping. It's just frustrating."

"You can't stop dreams," Edward replied gently with a small smile.

"I'm not trying to, Edward. I just thought they would stop on their own. They were always about me running after you or you not taking me with you. I did run after you, got a few bruises, and I have you. You promised not to leave. I guess it's just another stupid assumption that they would stop. I want to go back to how things were, forget about all this, and move on. Don't get mad at yourself or I swear I'll get mad at myself for having nightmares," I threatened.

Edward grinned. "Okay, okay! Go back to sleep, Ma Vie. I'll hold you tighter this time and see if that works."

I fell asleep so fast. It was peaceful then. Edward must have held me tighter because the monster was chased away. He was gone and Edward--my Edward--was back, so I was free to forget. My pain was gone. I could breathe again, even if it was hard sometimes when I looked at Edward. It was the easiest thing I'd ever done--breathing. I could have slept for two years if I wanted to. I wanted to wake up and see Edward every once in a while to make sure it wasn't a dream or heaven. Edward was always there when I woke up, staring at me or smiling at me. He always acknowledge me when I woke up. A smile, a wink, squeezing my waist, something that told me he was real. I knew it wasn't a dream by the third time, but I kept waking up. I slept soundly, waking and falling asleep until I was finally fully rested and unable to sleep anymore.

The next time I woke up, I opened my eyes right away. I smiled first because I could clearly smell Edward. I opened my eyes and saw_ them_. My smile faded immediately. So this was the surprise! This was Edward's surprise, and I was certainly surprised. Shocked even. Amazed. No, that wasn't even the right word. I stared, blinking like an idiot because I couldn't decide if I was still dreaming or not. At the very least two hundred red roses. They covered my room. No thorns--that was one of the first things I noticed. Though I knew I would be able to cut myself anyway. A precaution he took the time to work out. No wonder it took three hours total! He must have had to call fifty different places. I knew exactly what he was trying to do--apologize. I rolled over to smack Edward, yell at him for being so sweet. I wasn't actually angry. Two hundred roses! Any girl would have been happy. I was happy, but most of it had to do with the fact that Edward was back. Only he would do something like that for me. Edward was gone. I found a simple bouquet of wild flowers tied up with the same black ribbon from before. A note under it. I smelled the wild flowers--I liked these better than roses. I preferred gifts that didn't cost money. And he'd taken the time to find them, decide which ones are most beautiful, and pick them for me, which was even more sweet than the three hours of the night on the phone ordering roses for me.

I sighed and opened the note. He left me a note! That was real romance, the kind that I liked. Roses just complicated things.

I went hunting. I'll be back before you can miss me.  
Take care of my heart. I left it with you. No bruises allowed!

I smiled to myself and smelled the wild flowers again. Edward already had my forgiveness and he didn't need to apologize. It worried me that it seemed like he was trying to buy forgiveness when he already had it. I knew my nightmare didn't help his guilt either. I rolled out of bed to go take a bath--I would never be able to shower with Edward there. I laughed in awe, trying to decide if I should get mad or keep laughing. The bathtub was sprinkled with more rose peddles. The bags of new clothes told me Alice was somehow able to go shopping, despite our strict orders to stay out of sight for a few days. I wasn't sure who set up the candles--Alice or Edward. Maybe Esme. I was slightly suspicious the entire Cullen family was in on this. Minus Emmett who would have woken me up giggling like a girl who just discovered boys. I laughed at the metaphor because it was true! I found a small CD player on the counter. Next to it was a CD marked "To Timberlee" in Edward's writing. I put it on and hit play. My lullaby was first. After that was a song I hadn't heard before. I glanced at the piece of paper telling the titles to the songs. This one was blank. Cheater! But I smiled, so happy.

My bath was extra long because I knew Edward would need to hunt for quite a while. I'd never been so relaxed, except for the times I was in Edward's arms. I found a silk robe Alice had gotten and rolled my eyes. I swore I would never wear it. Not because I didn't like it--it was beautiful. I just felt way out of place when I put it on. Alice was crazy--it fit perfectly. I wondered if she'd been shopping before I jumped off the cliff. That conclusion seemed most likely with all the clothes I found. I changed into jeans and a simple black t-shirt, not wanting to offend Alice. They were from the huge stack of bags she left. I pulled back my hair while it was still wet, then I stepped out of the bathroom. Edward was on my bed with a huge grin on his face. I could tell he'd just arrived. I ran and jumped on the bed, returning his smile. "You shouldn't have," I told him, gesturing around the room at the roses. I was trying to sound annoyed, but I couldn't manage. He was too beautiful, and I could tell he was expecting to be backhanded or something extreme like that.

Edward touched my cheek, which made me smile again--I missed that so much! "I just want to dote on you for a while, beautiful," he explained quietly. "You looked so unhappy, and I know it was all my fault."

"No, Edward! No, it was my fault. I let myself become like that."

Edward sighed, not wanting to argue. He looked thoughtful then. Beautiful as ever. More beautiful even. Stunning. It took my breath away, and I had to remember how to suck in the needed air. He played with a bit of my hair, tugging on my ponytail a bit. Gentle, and his eyes were topaz again. That made me more comfortable. It didn't make me so scared that he would almost kill me if I moved too suddenly. He sighed. "Was the car accident intentional?" he asked. Straightforward, direct because he couldn't think of any other way.

I shrugged, not sure why I had expected that to be the topic. "I'm not sure to be honest. I was driving too fast on purpose because I wanted to get away, and I knew the danger. The road's all winding, and the trees are everywhere, but I'd never seen anyone else driving around there before. I wanted to get away and I swerved on purpose because I didn't want to be killers like my parents. I never tried to avoid the tree, but I slowed down before I hit it actually. There were skid marks. Crazy as it sounds, you saved me then too. I heard your voice in my head and something about that gave me the strength and determination to slow down before I killed myself. I did total my Acura though. I got a new truck though."

Edward nodded. "You were hurt?"

I listed my injuries, watching Edward's face as I spoke. It was always the same, worried expression that I couldn't seem to erase no matter how I joked or tried to shrug off the accident. He was concerned. I laid down, my head on his shoulder. "I'm fine now," I said quietly.

"No, you're not," Edward whispered. "You're... You don't trust me. I can see it in your eyes. It's like they're screaming out a warning as loud as they can. And you flinch sometimes. When I was pushing your hair out of your face last night, you flinched away from me. Like anything cold is just a reminder that I left, like it's associated with me."

I wanted to deny it, but Edward was convinced on at least parts of what he'd said. I sighed and cleared my throat. "I flinch because I'm not used to your skin right now," I told him patiently. That was the only way he would listen. If I started in an argumentative tone, he'd never believe me. How could I make him see? "It's hard to explain, but you could say I've been around humans and Jake too, who has this constant fever. Like he's burning up." And the other part... That was harder to reply to. "It's still hard," I admitted--honesty was best in that situation. "I want to trust you and I'm trying. Just my mind has this certain image and I can't get it out of my head. When you were gone, there were two Edwards. You--the one I love and the one that would never leave--and the monster. I could always sort the nightmares into those categories. Even when you were my Edward, it always hurt somehow. When you were the monster, it just destroyed me. Trust has always been hard for me. And it's not you. I just don't know what to do yet. I'm trying to figure everything out in my head. I'm trying. It's not you."

"I know you're trying, love! Don't misunderstand that. I just regret leaving. I never wanted to hurt you."

"You didn't. That was the monster," I replied quietly. "Don't waste time on the past anyway. You're here with me now. Isn't that enough? It makes it mean more that you're here after you left because there was that time when I thought you would never return. You came back to me, and that's all that matters. That's enough for me. Enough for forever."

Edward nodded. He breathed in the smell of my shampoo. "I missed you," he told me, and I looked up at him. I hugged him closer, refusing to ever let go. How could I? Especially because I knew there wasn't anyway to have him forever unless I became a vampire. I remembered that silent promise I'd made unconsciously: I wouldn't ask Edward to change me because he was back. That was enough. He wouldn't change his mind, even if I begged him. No need to waste time on that when we were together then. In that moment, his presence was enough. And maybe I would end up a vampire anyway.


	20. Chapter 19

Chapter Nineteen

Edward ordered me more room service the next morning and I ate it all in the main area. Emmett was sitting with me while Edward packed up my things and Alice gathered the bags of clothes she'd bought me. We were finally given the go-ahead to leave Volterra, and it came as a relief. It seemed to have taken so long for whatever reason. Edward seemed the most relieved. Maybe because he thought there would be a problem with me knowing so much about vampires. No fight, no war, and we were clear to leave. He saved me only the best twenty roses for me to take home. Our flight was at eight in the morning. We were up early to leave. Alice met us in front of the hotel with a grin. I raised an eyebrow as Edward opened the back door for me--Emmett got shotgun while the others were on foot headed back to Florence, then Forks. "No Porsche this time?" I asked Alice, glad to have my best friend back! And I would miss the Porsche actually--I had the feeling that Alice really liked it.

"No. They can't all be like that," Alice replied with a giggle.

"Am I missing something?" Edward inquired. "I've been a little distracted the past few days--don't say anything, Emmett!" I laughed. "What Porsche?"

"Tim stole a Porsche!" Alice exclaimed.

"Liar," I muttered, climbing in behind her. "Alice stole it and I was whining about it being too obvious."

"I'll miss it," Alice sighed. "It was amazing! Smooth ride, speed, great color!"

Edward shrugged, tossing me my backpack easily. "I'll get you one for Christmas," he promised, squeezing my hand. I didn't bother buckling into the hideous car that I didn't recognize. It must have been some foreign car and not made in the past twenty years. I leaned into Edward with my feet next to the door. He closed his arms around me, and I was able to sleep the entire drive back to Florence, which came as a surprise.

I hadn't realized how exhausted I was. I didn't want to sleep because I feared I would miss something, but I was hopeless to fight. Edward's gentle touch was so refreshing after so long without him. Sleeping came so easily. Like breathing. I could have slept for years. I slept, surrendering to the exhaustion that had built up. It was no use fighting it anyway. When I got home, I'd be grounded at the very least. Edward woke me up when we reached the airport in Florence. His arm around my waist, we boarded our flight. I sat next to him, holding the bouquet of wild flowers, my other hand folded into Edward's. My thoughts were on Charlie. For the first time, I realized he had no idea where I was. Even if he had known, I would be grounded just as long. Edward would be yelled at just as much, and Charlie would be just as angry. We couldn't rush the flight, and it was faster than going on foot, even with Edward carrying me when he was the fastest of all the Cullens. I would handle the running away later. Right now, I just wanted to be with Edward, absorb the moments, enjoy every second. Edward was back! He was returning to Forks with me. I would never lose him again. I would make sure there was some way I became a vampire. I sighed. "What're you thinking about?" he asked, and I started to think my sighs were a sign that I was deep in thought.

"Well, you know that thing I always used to ask you for?" I mumbled quietly, and Edward nodded. I caught the annoyed look. "I'm not going to ask right now! Stop looking at me like that! But if you couldn't live without me for a month and a half, why do you think you'll be able to do it for longer?"

"That's different. You were alive and hurting because of me before. In the case that you do die, I would know you're in a better place," Edward replied.

"What if I go to hell?"

Edward rolled his eyes, not bothering to reply. I smiled at him. I'd forgotten how handsome he was when he was annoyed! He was always handsome. Certain looks really got to me though. Usually he would have been furious that I brought it up, especially in a moment like that. Only annoyed then. He was still as happy as I was. "Who died?" he asked suddenly, glancing over at me. He saw my confused look and squeezed my hand. "When I called, Jacob Black told me your father was making funeral arrangements. Who died?"

"Oh. Sorry. Uh... Harry Clearwater," I answered quietly. "He had a massive heart attack."

"I'm sorry."

I rested my head on Edward's shoulder then. Charlie's anger would be horrible! I knew that much at least. I knew I would be lucky to be grounded less than the rest of the time I lived with him, and I wouldn't move out until after my eighteenth birthday at the very least. So a long time. The entirety of my senior year! Worst case scenario. Edward was coming back to Forks, but I wouldn't be able to see him much until Charlie freed me from my punishment, and I didn't know if Edward would still agree to the night visits after everything. There was always school... I couldn't believe how fast time had flown by. It was nearly August. School was starting August 24th--Charlie had already enrolled me for my senior year. I smiled--Edward would be there! That was something to celebrate, even under the tension of the knowledge that I would soon have to face my dad. I hoped Edward would be in all my classes. I let out another sigh and looked at Edward. By his thoughtful look, I knew he was thinking about the same thing I was. We were headed in the same direction and he would arrive at the thought I'd just come to if he hadn't already--where were we and were we really okay?

"Edward," I began, turning in my seat a little. "How do you want to do this exactly?"

He smiled. "Ah, look who's reading my mind."

I allowed myself a small smile, then moved the arm rest up so I could move closer to him. I really wanted to sit on his lap, make sure he knew I wasn't mad. I just needed to know these things. I had to have a few more answers. "Can we just be serious for a minute, please?" I requested. We, not him. I would have preferred to joke around, make sure it didn't end in either of us being hurt. But it wouldn't solve anything that way. "I need to know how we are, Edward. I need to know the truth about absolutely everything. I need to know that we're okay once we land in LA, then Seattle, then Port Angeles, then on the ride to Forks, after we face Charlie, and all of that. I don't want to assume we'll always be okay because we are right now. I need to know we're really okay and not just avoiding the truth."

Edward nodded thoughtfully, then cleared his throat after what seemed like forever. "You're right. It's just that I don't want you to have to relive all of that, Timmy. I don't ever want to see you hurt ever again. Whether it's emotionally, physically, no matter the methods or who hurts you."

"I won't relive it, Edward, because it's over. And I won't be mad. I just have to know. Was Alice watching me while you were gone?" I asked, chewing my lip and sending a glance over my shoulder towards Alice.

Edward shook his head once. "No. She probably should have been, but I tried to tell myself you would be so angry that you wouldn't be too badly hurt. Alice figured out the reasons on her own, and she disagreed. She said that I was being stupid. I was in a way, but I couldn't dream of hurting you. Alice's visions aren't always certain or clear. She only sees things once the decision has been made. Like when you went cliff diving. She can't control when they come; they just come. She can specifically watch someone or something, and it makes the visions come easier, but she wasn't watching you. I wanted to erase myself from your life because I thought it would be easier for you to forget me. Apparently, I was wrong about that too."

"Where'd you go?"

"All over." Edward shrugged. "I left Carlisle. He was teaching night classes. Alice was researching with Jasper, trying to find out more about her past. I'll let her tell you, love," he told me when I glanced at Alice again--I wanted to know what she discovered. Alice couldn't remember her human life, which made the fact that she could find out anything amazing to me, interesting, and listening to Alice was amazing, whatever she was saying. She was my best friend! "Emmett and Rosalie were off on their own. I didn't want to be around them when I couldn't tell them why I left you. It complicated things. I couldn't face any of them. I started running. Just anywhere to keep my mind busy. I couldn't stop worrying about you. I hadn't been gone five minutes before random accidents started coming to mind. All of them were things I could have prevented or things that really hurt you. I wanted to get your screams out of my head. I kept trying to run from the memory of how honest you were that day and the image of your face in my head that day. I could never get it out of my mind because I knew how much I hurt you. Just the shock and disbelief hurt me. I couldn't escape from the knowledge of how much I hurt you. I couldn't face my family and I didn't want to be around them, pulling them down in my depression, my absolute need for you. So I called every few days, trying to reassure Esme that I was all right. Every time, she just kept saying that if I was that miserable, I should go back to you. It was true, but I kept reminding myself of what happened when you were asleep..." His voice faded, and he sighed. He hated himself for that. I smiled at him, wishing I could have said something to help. All the things I could have said would have revealed he was a vampire to every passenger on the plane though. "I went to Alaska, all over Canada, London, Chicago, back and forth between a ton of places. I never settled down anywhere. I tried to exile myself from all humanity, as Carlisle did when he first discovered what he was. Wastelands, empty mountains, anywhere I could get away from other humans.

"To be honest," Edward continued softly, "I looked for you in every crowd when I was with humans. I couldn't stop thinking about you. I kept thinking that you would somehow show up around the next corner. I thought I'd hear your laugh in a crowd full of girls going out to lunch or see your eyes looking for me in a crowd. I knew that you were looking for me, but you weren't leaving Forks. I had to get away from humans before I went mad, and I was going to away from them too because that thought kept coming that you might be there, even if it was nearly impossible. It was the worst time of my life simply because I knew how much I hurt you. I can't ever let myself do this to you again."

I nodded, molding myself into his frame. "What do I have to do to make it easier for you to be around me?" I whispered.

"Nothing."

I pulled myself out of his arms to give him a firm look. There had to be something! He was crazy if he didn't give me something. "Edward, that's not true, and you know it as much as I do! There's something that helps, even if it's tiny. We're in this together, okay? I want to help." Edward didn't reply. He stared at me, and I sighed. "If we can't just be honest with each other, this will never work. I know there's something I can do, Edward. Please, just tell me."

"You're right. I'm sorry. I don't want you to change your entire life to help me. The big things wouldn't help. Your throat and your wrists are most tempting. I can handle it though. I just have to make sure the same thing doesn't happen again. So a break after hunting before I go see you."

"Okay. And I'll wear a long sleeve shirt and a scarf," I said.

Edward smiled and kissed my cheek softly. "Can you ever forgive me? I wasn't there to witness it, no, but you looked miserable when I saw you. There was no sparkle in your eye and your smile was... it was like another person was looking at me. You've changed so, so much."

"You have too," I replied. I saw Edward's confused, and amused, look. Vampires couldn't physically change. They were forever stuck in the perfect state. "It's your posture," I explained quietly. "You're more proud to be with me now, therefore your shoulders are squared more. But at the same time, you slouch because you're still mad at yourself. The way you look at me too. You're always worried. It's like you're always apologizing too. I really wish you wouldn't. Can't we just completely start over on a clean slate? Let's start over and we'll do it the right way this time around. Complete honesty."

Edward nodded. "All right," he said, and he fell silent. He pushed my head down onto my shoulder, obviously wanting me to sleep. I couldn't sleep because there was still at least one point we had yet to cover. He would ask it soon. I knew that. I waited patiently, unable to sleep. Edward sighed finally. "Do you... hate me?" he whispered. "Or resent me even a little?"

I sat up straight to look at him. The answer was the same word Edward had been telling me in my dreams for so long, destroying me with. _No_. The word used to haunt me, but I wouldn't answer any other way. There was no other way to answer. Edward wanted a simple yes or no. The _no_ had turned my life into hell when Edward spoke it. Now all of that couldn't be erased, but it would be healed with the same word. _No_. Life was a strange thing. It takes you in circles, doubles back and circles again. I took Edward's face between my hands and shook my head, meeting his eyes. I had to make him believe this with every ounce of his mind and body. I had to make sure that he never doubted it, not from the second I said my answer or anytime after. He had to be sure. "No," I answered. I shook my head, more fiercely that time. "No. I don't hate you, and I never did. Hate seems so _possible_ when you're this in love, but I never hated you once."

"Do you trust that I won't hurt you again?"

I nodded. "Yes, I do trust you. You left, but it was for the right reasons. You were trying to protect me. I understand it now, so I do trust you. I'll trust you'll always do what you think is right, but please, dear God, let him tell me he'll do it in other ways next time," I muttered.

Edward grinned, and kissed my hand. "That's a promise, love. So you won't get mad if I ask Charlie if we can move on?" he asked. He saw my alarmed look and smiled a little. "I just want to do this completely right. I know he'll be angry. I understand that. He's the police chief of a small town and I made a huge mistake, really hurt his daughter when he never approved of me in the first place. I want to do this right from the very start. I want to make sure nothing like this happens again. On either side of this... whatever. Who better to judge than Charlie Stone?"

"He's biased," I mumbled.

"True. But that's the idea. If I can get him to agree to let me continue dating you, then we know we're really okay. Complete honesty, right? He'll be most honest. It's all over how much I hurt you, love. I can't heal that or change the past or even make it go away, but I want to help you. I want to make sure you feel more safe than ever before."

"And what if Charlie says no?"

Edward shrugged, trying to cheer me up at the sad question. I couldn't imagine what would happen then. "Well, sneaking around was never ruled out in that case," he joked, and I couldn't tell if he was even a little serious... Damn! I hoped he was because I couldn't live without him for a day now. I had to be with him always. "If he does say no, I will prove to him that I didn't mean to hurt you and that I'll never do it again, that I love you more than ever, and that you'll always be too good for me, like he thinks because it's true, but I don't want you to doubt anything or to ruin your relationship with your father because you're lying to him about me. _For me_."

"Edward, do you have any idea how angry he's going to be, how mad he's been at me lately? He'll yell, scream, cuss probably, then yell some more. He can't deny that I'm a thousand times happier when I'm with you. And he'll attack you verbally at least! I might have to ask Alice to go in and steal his live rounds and his gun too..." I muttered, glancing at Alice again, who was grinning past me at Edward.

"I don't think bullets could hurt me, love."

"Not you! Him!" I said. "What if they like... bounce off you and hit him...?" My voice faded as I realized how stupid that sounded, and Edward hugged me close as I blushed in embarrassment. "But after all the yelling, screaming, possibly shooting as well, I think he'll be fine with this. He'll accept you as much as he ever die before, I'm sure," I explained with a small smile.

Edward chucked, then he demanded that I sleep some more. We pushed the other arm rest back so I could remain in his arms more comfortably, tuck my feet under Alice, and I folded one hand into Edward's, trying to think of how we were going to explain my disappearance to Charlie. He would be furious no matter what. I sighed deeply because there was no good way to explain it. No right way. The truth was always best in those situations, even if he sent me to a mental facility for my suicidal actions, but Edward and I had to avoid certain points, like him being a vampire, the Volturi, the cliff diving, the motorcycles, the hallucinations... Almost all the important points. Cutting those out made the story useless and unbelievable, or so Charlie would think... I fell asleep long before I was even close to a conclusion. Edward's caring arms made it so easy to sleep soundly. Our hurry wasn't so bad on the way back and we had a two hour wait in Seattle. I borrowed Alice's phone to call Charlie, but as I assumed, there was no answer. So I left a message on the home phone, Charlie's office phone, even Jacob's home number in case he could get a hold of the search team or the FBI or whoever Charlie had out looking for me. All the messages were exactly the same. I'd practiced it for quite a while in my head. "Hey, Dad, uh... it's me, Timberlee..." _Oh, shit!_ "Um... Edward was in trouble, and it's kind of a long story. You'll hear it later, I'm sure..."_ That is the wrong thing to say! He'll get mad about the last part... _"We're all okay and we're on our way home." Damn! Why did I have to point out the fact that Edward was okay? Wouldn't it be better if I lied and said Edward had amnesia or brain damage? "I'm okay, perfectly fine. Uh... Bye," I finished. What was I supposed to say after that when I knew what was coming? Love you? See you later?

I closed my eyes and handed Alice her phone with a groan. I felt sick all over again. Just a different kind this time. So sick I wanted to cry. Edward was going to be attacked by Charlie! Yelled at, screamed at, reminded of everything that I'd already forgiven him for. Edward massaged my shoulders gently, feeling my tension as I tried to come up with a reasonable story that was easy to remember. "Uh, he's going to kill me!" I told Alice, who sat on the floor, picking the wilted leaves off my roses.

"No, he won't!" Alice exclaimed, but she couldn't understand the situation. Jasper was her husband. They had been together much longer. And he was part of her whole family, not an outsider. They were both vampires, living in the same house, inseparable. With me and Edward, it was too complicated. And Charlie only made that worse. "He'll be mad, yes, but he won't kill you. Stop worrying. When he sees how happy you are to be with Edward again, he'll be so glad and it'll be fine."

"You say _when_ he sees how happy I am. I think it should be _if_," I muttered. And Alice's words didn't help me at all. Harry Clearwater was one of Charlie's best friends. Charlie needed me not to give him anything else to worry about at the very least. Right after Harry died, I ran away to Italy without any trace and without leaving a note even or any hint to what had happened. No one knew! Jake had knew that Edward had called me. If he told Charlie that, Charlie would assume I'd committed suicide or something. Both my trucks were in the driveway or parked on the curb... The more I thought about it, the worse it got. Jake would definitely tell Dad how Edward called me. After that, Dad would go crazy to find me. I doubted they had traced my ticket to Italy yet if they had even found it. And if they had, they wouldn't be able to track me all the way to Volterra because I'd stayed out of sight almost the entire time and we drove. He had only a few conclusions to come to since I didn't take either of my cars, and I knew one was suicide. Another would be that I ran away to go find Edward, taking a cab or just walking. A third would be that I was kidnapped.

"Why didn't you answer your phone after you talked to Jake?" I asked Edward, trying to distract myself.

"Oh, I threw it away," Edward told me, playing with my hair. "I'm surprised no one got it before I got it on my hunting trip actually. I had to get it. Then I realized how many times you tried to call me back or tried to. It made me feel really stupid." He sighed and helped me up as it came time to board our last flight. Seattle to Port Angeles. That was the longest flight yet when it was only an hour long. I wondered if Charlie had gotten my message yet. If not, he'd be out looking for me. If he did, he was waiting for me at home. I couldn't imagine all the things he could come up with to say to Edward, and I had no doubt he would hold nothing back. I was so sure that he would yell and scream at Edward until he felt even worse than he already did, though that wouldn't be hard. I was ready to defend Edward with everything I had. I was just nervous, wondering how long my grounding would be... Summer would be extremely long without being able to spend all day with Edward. It was about half over, and school would start soon. Then I would see him daily, and the nightly visits--if we continued to have them--would help. But it wouldn't be the same as all day, everyday as we had before. I wanted to be with him every second now, falling in love all over again as he held me.

After our plane landed, Alice hugged me and announced that she was going home on foot with Emmett. Edward's Volvo was waiting for us, and he helped me inside. I was glad he sped all the way back to Forks because I wanted to get this over with. I had no doubt in my mind that Charlie would be the angriest person alive when he saw Edward. I was probably going to be yelled at, but my fear was for Edward. He had his reasons to leave, and we couldn't explain them to Charlie. That wasn't fair or right! I wanted to be able to tell Charlie about how Edward had left to protect me, but then the Volturi really would come for Edward when I explained that he was a vampire. Edward was the only reason I knew about vampires.

Upon arriving at the house, Edward parked behind my new truck and nodded. "Nice ride," he commented quietly. A simple observation. He wasn't going to make this any harder than it had to be. He wasn't going to try to cheer me up. If I got too happy then, I'd breakdown once we were inside. He knew that.

"Timberlee!" Dad yelled, and I cringed as Edward helped me out of his car, then to the front door. I was shaking. Dad was furious. I could imagine him red-faced and the veins on his forehead about to burst.

I pushed the door open, sending a glance at Edward as we entered the living room. No gun! That was a good thing... "Uh... Hi," I mumbled.

"Where the hell have you been?" Dad demanded. "No! Don't even answer that. We'll get to that later. What the hell is he doing here?"

"Dad, please, it's not like it seems. Edward--"

"Edward is leaving now. You're grounded, and you're never to see him ever again. If he comes anywhere near you or my house, I swear..." He didn't finish because--I'm sure--Edward could have filed a police report about the threats Charlie had in mind.

"Dad!" I yelled, trying to get him to stop glaring at Edward. "Would you just listen to the explanation, please?"

"No, I won't. Do you have any idea how worried I've been? I came home from work, the house totally empty. Your backpack gone. Your toothbrush, toothpaste, everything you would need to run off and escape wherever. No note. No car gone. No reason for you to leave! I thought you were with Jake. I waited up until midnight, thinking you two were in Port Angeles or something until Billy called me saying that Edward called, Jake answered, told him about Harry, and--"

"Actually, that's bullshit!" I exclaimed. "Jake didn't say anything about Harry, and that's how we got into this mess."

"So you're blaming this on Jake?"

"No. I'm saying he needs to learn how to communicate more clearly."

"You shut your mouth, Timberlee. I'm not done. I called your mother, Phoebe, everyone I could think of that you might go to. Your mother just about died of worry and couldn't sleep at all. She's been calling me every ten minutes to ask if I knew anything else. I called her, thinking you were headed home, and she's even more worried than I am. I spent all night on the phone, and you didn't tell anyone where you were going! You completely disappeared. I filed a missing persons report, Timberlee! Do you have any idea how serious this is? You could have been dead. And you didn't even call me until much later. I've been sitting around here for days, worried sick, waiting for the investigators to come up with something, and there was absolutely nothing. You booked a flight to LA, and that was as far as we got. But you were nowhere in LA, so that information was pointless. And then you let him near you, into this house?"

"Dad, please! There's really an explanation for everything if you would just listen."

"No. Absolutely not. You're never to talk to him again. You're leaving for LA the day after tomorrow. Period."

I fell silent, waiting for the outburst, the tantrum to come. I would not leave Forks. Ever. There had to be some way around it, any way. I glanced up at Edward when he squeezed my waist. "Dad..."

"Timberlee, I'm not going to argue about this. I haven't slept in three days. I'm not the one who disappeared like that. Edward is leaving and you're not going to argue about this anymore. After I've caught up on sleep, we can discuss it maybe."

"Maybe? Dad, that's not even fair! I just said there was an explanation."

"I said we would discuss this some other time. Under the circumstances, I think I'm being very fair and very calm."

I sighed again. That much was true. No bullets shot at Edward. No horrible comments... yet... And he said that Edward had to leave. Maybe they would never come, but I refused to go without Edward. He had to come back! We would find some way to make Dad understand, even if we had to come up with some stupid story about how I ended up being pregnant after all and ran away to Vegas to get married. Then later on, we could come up with another story to explain a miscarriage or an abortion or whatever. Surely Carlisle would be able to help us come up with a reasonable story about how I lost the baby. And the hormones would have explained all the crying, and the nausea. I ran my hand through my hair and turned to Edward. "Uh..." I started quietly, trying to figure out what to say in front of Dad. He would never let us out of his sight right now, and I really wanted to kiss Edward, ask if he would come that night, try to figure out a way to see him every possible second. I was about to cry though, freaking out because I couldn't stand the thought of going back to LA.

Edward took my face in his hands and made me meet his eyes while Dad was about ready to punch Edward or something. "Don't," Edward whispered. "It's all right. I love you, and thank you... For everything. And I'm glad I still have you."

I nodded, unable to glance at Dad. I didn't care if I got in even bigger trouble then. I felt like Edward would disappear again. "You'll always have me," I replied, and Edward smiled at me. He turned, walked to the door, and he was in his car within seconds. I ran up to my room to watch him go from my window. He blew me a kiss and sent me a reassuring nod before he drove away. I smiled because I knew that meant he would come at night. Once Charlie was asleep. That was all I needed to know. We would be okay. We would get through this. We really were okay. No matter what Charlie said... And I knew there would be some way to get out of going to LA. Mom would side with me after she heard the parts of the story we could tell her. That was an advantage on my side, and my new happiness was another advantage that continued to grow every second, even as I waited for Edward.


	21. Chapter 20

Chapter Twenty

Edward did come that night. I waited up for him because I needed to ask what story we were coming up with to excuse my disappearance. And I wanted to be with him. I showered and curled up in bed. Dad had taken my computer and phone with the thought that I might try to talk to Edward that way, so I couldn't call Edward. He knew that Charlie was allowed to read my texts without any argument from me. I wasn't worried about him saying something that might end up in disaster. There were no old texts from him on this phone either. I couldn't sleep without Edward, so I waited up, trying to read. I didn't even know what book I had open on my lap. I was just trying to survive until he came. I knew he was waiting for Charlie to go to sleep or at least stop peeking in my room every few minutes. By the seventh time Charlie glanced in to see if I was there, he finally stopped and went to bed.

Edward appeared seconds later. He smiled at me when I set my book aside immediately. "You okay?" he asked gently, pushing my hair back for me.

I shrugged. "Worried," I admitted without any hesitation. This honest thing wasn't that hard yet. I liked it better that way. Complete honesty included weaknesses, fears, and screw ups. We both knew that now. It would make our relationship better, even if we fought more. I let Edward pull me into his arms without an ounce of strength put into a struggle. I wanted him to hold me.

"Don't worry about it. I'm not going anywhere. I'll wait for you if he says no," Edward whispered, and that did help. More than he knew. I closed my eyes and listened to the pattern of his breathing. He was holding the arch of my neck in his hands, no fear shown in his face. No hesitation. Something about this man was so much stronger, and he didn't seem to be tempted. None of his power was put into the hold on my neck. There was something else there that I couldn't read. Happiness maybe? But that was already obvious in his face. Relief was in his face, but I couldn't feel it in his touch. Edward smiled at me. "Don't waste time worrying. I'm here. You should sleep. You still look exhausted."

I shook my head, wondering if I would cry. Happy tears were tears just the same. "I don't ever want to sleep again," I told him, and that was partially true. I knew I needed to sleep, and I knew that Edward wouldn't leave me if I did. I just didn't want to waste another moment with sleep when he was here. My life was ticking away like the seconds on a clock. My life was a functioning clock while his was a broken clock. I would keep going, and he was frozen. I couldn't sleep with the knowledge of what we could have discussed while I slept instead. I sighed quietly, wishing Charlie would hurry up and tell me what his verdict was. Of course I was worried! I'd spent so long without Edward. He was back. And now there was a chance that I would lose him again. I couldn't stand that thought. Dad seemed so serious about sending me back to LA. And if he wouldn't let me live in his house, Mom would demand that I go home with her. I would lose Edward again if that happened. The sun would destroy our chances to be together.

"Don't think like that," he said firmly, and I was surprised. He must have been able to hear my thoughts... "I can read your face, not your mind, Timmy," he told me, and I smiled a little. "If he sends you back to LA, I'm going too. I'll come see you every night. I'll do whatever I have to. I promised that I would never leave or abandon you, didn't I?" He waited for me to nod. "Letting you be sent back to Los Angeles without fighting or sorting things out so we can be together is another form of abandonment. I'm not going to go one more day without you, not without reason. A damn good reason too. I love you, and that's all I need to know. That's all that matters. The rest of the pieces will fall into place because I know this was meant to be."

I was crying again, tears of happiness. Edward wiped them away quickly. I knew he meant it. And this was meant to be. My hand fit perfectly into his. It disappeared in it. His hands were cold and rock hard. Mine were delicate and warm to him. Our minds worked together so well. We could tell what the other was thinking without the ability to read minds, though one of us had it. He was over protective sometimes, and that was one of the things that gave me security. We were both so stubborn because we had to be. Edward had to force himself not to kill me--that was why I was alive now. I had no choice but to fall in love with him. I kept falling every second. His eyes captivated me. His words were like music, and I wouldn't forget a single one. I treasured every second, even if we weren't talking or looking at the other. We just had to be together and that alone made the moment so special. Edward was the only life I wanted. It made me sad to know how much he would give up to see me if I was sent to LA, but it was another reminder of how much he loved me. He would give up a normal life. They all lived human lives, besides their diet and the inability to sleep. He would give up that life and his family for me. He would hide away all day just to see me at night. That was something that couldn't be described. It was beautiful, heartbreaking that we may have to go to those extremes, and it was relieving that he was willing to do that. I didn't deserve him... But I was glad I had him.

Edward smiled at me when the tears didn't stop. "Are you going to cry all night?" he asked me gently.

I nodded, half joking, and we laughed. "Probably. I'm amazed, and blown away, and... overwhelmed. It's all in a good way too. The best way, the only way I'd want," I explained, chewing on my lip once I finished.

Edward nodded. "Sleep, beautiful," he whispered, and that was enough to make me sleepy. I curled up under the blanket with him, refusing to even have the comforter between us. His cold skin was refreshing. It was beautiful to me. I loved it, like I loved every part of him. I let Edward's arms cradle me as I closed my eyes. He hummed me to sleep. My lullaby. I slept soundly, no nightmares, and all through the night. There was no need to wake up to make sure Edward was there because I knew he was. I could feel his presence. It was as strong as ever. So strong it could have strangled me. I could sense his love as he held me. His left arm was under me, tucked in the smallest part of my waist. His right arm was over me, elbow placed on my hip perfectly. His left hand was folded into my right with his right hand folded into my right. I could feel his breath on my neck. I could feel his nose lightly brushing against my hair, and he was completely still. He couldn't see my face, and he spent the entire night listening to me breathe. It amazed me how happy I was to be with him, even with what we would face when Charlie got around to getting out of bed. That worry was forgotten. Edward gave me the security I needed. He'd said everything I needed to hear from him. And I knew that the other pieces would fall into place because we were meant to be together. It was face. Destiny.

In the morning, Edward woke me by kissing my head. I wondered how he'd gotten out from under me without waking me up. But I opened my eyes and my hand immediately flew to his. I didn't want him to go. Ever. Not for a second. Edward smiled at me, and I saw that all my pictures, my guitar, everything he'd hidden under my floor board was out already. I only had to put it up. I wanted him to help, but then I heard Charlie's groan from the next room and realized he was awake. Edward kissed my lips. "Sorry for waking you," he whispered, and I knew that meant I must have looked extremely peaceful. I was! I would never cry myself to sleep again if he was there.

"I'm glad you did," I told him, releasing his hand so he could leave quickly if Charlie decided to tip toe to my door and peek in. "I would have thought it was all a dream if I didn't see you."

Edward nodded, then he was gone. I smiled to myself. Edward was here. It wasn't a dream. I was so happy about that. Unbelievably happy. No words could express the feeling I had. It wasn't just happiness or love or joy. It was so far beyond all of those. Safety because I knew he would never leave me, because I knew he would be back soon, never to leave me alone for too long. I knew he wouldn't leave Forks. He would be there if I somehow managed to get the chance to call him. I buried my face in the pillow to muffle my giggle, then rolled over. More wildflowers. Purple and yellow. The note only said three words. But they were so much more important than the millions he could have written.

I. Love. You.

That was all it said. He loved me. Edward Cullen loved me! I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

The day was spent reorganizing my room, changing my sheets so they weren't tear stained from my month and a half without Edward. That time seemed so silly now, so pointless. It was like Edward had never left in some ways. In others, I was glad he left because now I knew exactly what he meant to me, even if I couldn't express it in words. Actions wouldn't even help. I loved him with everything inside me. My mind screamed out how much I loved him. When he was gone, it was like I was drowning when I wasn't even in water. It was like that now as well. Just different kinds of drowning. Opposite kinds.

I put all my books onto my bookshelf and found another note from Edward. Brand new. It was the second after the one I found on my bed... I opened it slowly, wondering if this was something Edward had made up to help me through the day. Well, it was working. "Don't cry anymore," Edward had instructed in this letter. Three more words, and I would obey them! I would not cry anymore. Now I was too happy to cry.

I found a new picture in the hundreds I already had. It was of him holding me the night before. I wondered how he got it printed, but that didn't matter. I smiled, looking around my room for a place to put it. It was obvious I was fast asleep. There was a tiny smile on my face. I was relaxed and carefree. Edward was holding me to him, never letting go. It was beautiful. I couldn't put it anywhere Charlie would see it or find it if he decided to search my room some day when he thought Edward was hiding in my closet. Though it was fairly likely for a human, Edward was a vampire. He'd just jump out the window and be back the second Charlie was gone. We would never be caught because Edward could read Charlie's mind and we'd have a warning immediately. Convenient. Sneaking around wouldn't be so bad. I was a teenager, right? It would be normal to sneak around for a girl in my situation, even if it wasn't right or my preferred methods. Charlie would find out some day surely, but we would never regret it. There wouldn't be another moment of regret in my relationship with Edward.

I put the picture in a frame, also new, that I found tucked in my desk drawer. He knew where everything on my floor went, so he'd put the gifts somewhere I would find them. The frame said "Forever in my heart" in Edward's writing. I smiled and hid it behind my books. Dad would never find it there, but it was somewhere I could easily get to it on the days I wanted to stare at him.

My closet was packed! He'd returned all the clothes, plus Alice had added tons more. I had to steal a few hangers from Dad's room, the hall closet, the coat closet, and the attic too. Then my dresser was so full none of the drawers would close all the way, which had me laughing. I wondered if Edward would be able to close them because I certainly couldn't.

Dad slept the entire day, and I knew how that felt. I understood the exhaustion completely. I could hear him snoring. But the day was sunny, so Edward wasn't there. The sunny day was convenient. It only added to my happiness, even if I missed Edward. I knew he would be back as soon as the sun disappeared. He would help me hang up the hundreds of pictures on my bulletin board again. He would help me sort my letters into categories. Love letters that Dad could never see, letters about being a vampire and becoming one that Dad could never see, letters that talked about being a vampire yet never said it, letters that were too sweet to let Dad see, letters that I wanted to read a ton, letters that Dad could read, letters that everyone could read, letters that were really simple, and so on.

Total, I found fourteen notes and three gifts from Edward in my room, and my room was entirely clean by dinner time. New sheets, new comforter, new pillow cases, and the floor was spotless so I wouldn't trip. I'd taken the time to vacuum Trooper's hair off my floor and make my bed even. It was more just a distraction though. I was starting to get anxious in Edward's absence. When I went downstairs, Dad was still fast asleep, but I planned to wake him up when dinner was ready. I found my cell phone on the counter with my computer. One bar left for my battery. I saw the read texts from Edward. Fifteen! Dad had gotten up at some point and read them all, but that didn't stop me from opening my inbox quickly, listening to make sure Dad wouldn't catch me.

Most of them were something like "Emmett says not to trip" or "Alice says to wear those red stilettos today". Three of them were the ones that I preserved in my memory forever. The first: "Don't slip away because I have to be able to get you back". He didn't want me to get discouraged and I would never fall out of love with him. I would always love him. He didn't have to get me back. Just him coming to see me was enough to send me into a giggling frenzy, unable to stop smiling or laughing in all the overwhelming joy. The second: "I wanted to apologize for getting you in huge trouble, but thank you for coming because I needed you to come." He needed me! Edward Cullen, the most gorgeous, caring, amazing person alive, needed me! He needed a clumsy girl with a cop as a dad! I smiled at that, closing my eyes and trying to imagine how he would have sounded saying that to me. It was like music just reading it. It made my heart pound so hard that it hurt. "You're gonna give me a heart attack," I mumbled, and I wondered if Edward was close enough to hear me... I smiled again and moved onto the last text, which was the third that I wanted to always remember: "I'm pleading for you not to dwell on it because I didn't mean it. I never will. You're the only thing I need in life. I love you."

I sighed and set my phone down again. The second I put it down, the red light started flashing again. I glanced out the window, wondering if Edward could have seen me... I smiled--another text from him. "If you ever feel like letting go, I'll catch you because I won't miss another day. I'll always be there," I read in a whisper. I nodded, almost positive Edward could see me then. I smiled, biting my tongue to stop the victory cry that was about to escape my lips. I set my phone down when I heard Dad's door open and quickly moved to the fridge.

No more texts from Edward, and I really wanted to reply. No doubt Dad would check with the service company to see if I'd just deleted the sent texts. The fridge was almost completely empty. Dad obviously had been extremely worried about me. I knew that much! But he hadn't even gone to the store. There was absolutely no food, other than things only I could make. And all of them would take longer than I wanted. I wanted to escape to my room again, see if I could find any other note from Edward or another gift. I glanced up casually when Dad entered the kitchen. Wow! He looked horrible. Like me when Edward was gone. Rings around his eyes, unshaven, and pale. I tried not to cringe and looked away, pulling the thawed chicken out of the fridge.

The kitchen was a wreck! Mail piled up on the counter from before I ran away. Some of it was for me. Colleges mostly. I pushed it aside so I would have room to set the chicken down before I cooked it. The sink was full of all the dishes we had, half full cups of water, beer poured on top of them, food smeared all over until you couldn't determined which dish was used for that meal. I was about to comment on how disgusting it was and that he should've done dishes, but I remembered that I was already dead. No need to pull Edward down with me. I would have something else to do until the sun went down. No clouds to be seen! Another sunny day tomorrow would probably be even worse. No, not probably. It would be worse. But I had no doubt that Edward would find some way to keep me in a good mood, whether it was small notes, pictures, texts, music, gifts, or a long letter that would take me all day to read. He would make sure I didn't have any time to get upset, and I knew he wanted me to be happy, even if he wasn't there. For him, I could do that. After all, he was close enough to come visit me every night, and there wasn't much that would stop him from seeing me nightly. That was nice to know. Great even!

"Timberlee, how do you turn off your phone?" Dad asked quietly, snatching it off the counter. "He won't stop sending you stuff, and it woke me up."

"Oh. Sorry. Button on the side. The middle one," I answered casually. Why hadn't I heard it? Maybe I wasn't expecting him to have sent me that many messages, but I was pleased that he did. It was something to think about when I started wondering how long it would take for Charlie to fall asleep again.

"No, I mean off off. As in not on."

I rolled my eyes. That would really kill the battery--me turning it on to read the texts, then turning it off over and over again. "The red button. Hold it down for three seconds or until the screen says shutting down," I told him. I was able to hide my disappointment while thinking about the possibility that there was still another note in my room. There was still a few things left undone. I hadn't cleaned the windows or dusted yet. I would only do those if the night became completely unbearable though.

"Oh..." Dad sounded exhausted! Raspy even.

I ignored him as I finished making the chicken wings. It took quite a while, and I was in a great mood. Edward would come see me at night! He would hold me. He would be the highlight of my day, even if he didn't come until night. Seeing him was the best part of my day. Being with him at night was the only reason I was able to get through the day. Without him, it would have been unbearable. He was the reasons I was sane still. And he was still close by. I could feel him. No doubt he wanted to see my reactions whenever I found the next note. They were all excited to a point where no one could possibly understand unless they were as in love as I was.

"Your room looks better," Dad mumbled. So... I was grounded, unable to see Edward, and he hadn't even given me a chance to explain, then he wants to talk about me cleaning my room... I deserved the grounded part, and maybe even the part where I wasn't allowed to see Edward. But I still deserved a quick and fair trial, right? It wouldn't take that long to explain, even if I had to make up a story. I would explain that Edward thought I was dead and that he was going to kill himself, and I was the only way to save him. So I went to Italy, where he had supposedly been staying, and I made sure he believed that I was alive. And then there was many reasons for him to leave. The most basic and easy for Dad to believe would be that Edward thought he wasn't good for me. Edward had wanted to give me a chance to live a normal human life--he'd said that. Only we would leave out the human part because that sort of hinted that the life I was living now wasn't exactly human. It was on my part, but it was more like a fictional book. But then the only place Edward's beauty would be normal was in a fictional book.

I sighed and nodded after a long pause. "Yeah," I said quietly, wondering if he'd seen the entire wall covered with pictures of Edward... More than before he had left. About twice as many pictures. More letters. All of them were simple and no hints towards the fact that he was a vampire. Then there was the poster Alice had made me, the football helmet Emmett had given me as a joke. All of that was back on my walls, covering every inch possible. My closet had shoe boxes of letters, gifts, pictures, and everything else Edward had taken. Yes, my bed was made, the floor was clean, there was no evidence that Edward had ever left. Only the fact that it was so clean should have been a hint that I was trying to find any way to survive until I next saw Edward... Maybe that's why Dad sounded so deep in thought. Or it could have been that he was completely exhausted and the tiniest detail started a huge, long thought process--I knew how that was.

I glanced over at Dad, wondering if I was allowed to question him any, change the subject. I wouldn't bring up Edward or my grounding or the whole Italy thing even. Just casual things. Like "how did you sleep?" or "how's Sue Clearwater?" Something that wouldn't get me killed or Edward in bigger trouble. Instead, I only moved to the fridge and got Dad a beer.

"Thanks," he said, tossing my phone aside. I cringed, hoping it wouldn't break with the force. I had to be with Edward! I had to be able to read his texts, even if I had to charge my phone some. Dad wouldn't even notice. I doubted he knew what the bars meant, even though they were inside a battery... When it came to technology, it was extremely complicated and he couldn't do anything but work a remote. Even his computer at work was problematic for him, and I didn't bother trying to explain everything to him because it would have been a waste of time. It would have been sort of like describing clumsiness or how good apple pie was to a vampire. I smiled at the thought, trying not to laugh--I would have to try that with Emmett some time. It would be an interesting, amusing, and memorable conversation.

I finished dinner and reluctantly sat down with Dad to eat. That was the most opportune moment to lecture me, so I brought a book down from my room. I found a note from Edward inside on the page I was just about to begin and burnt my hand on the side of the pan in my surprise. "Ow," I muttered, hiding the note so Dad wouldn't see.

"What?" Charlie asked.

"Nothing. Burnt myself. It's nothing." I sat down, eyes on the book, following the words and changing pages, but my thoughts were on Edward's note the entire time. I hadn't even gotten a chance to read the first two words! Or even the first. That was torture for me. I was trying to eat slowly so Dad wouldn't think anything was up. Finally, I shoveled the last bites into my mouth, then ran up to my room without bothering to clear my plate. Of course, that wasn't anything near my normal behavior, but Dad would probably be able to dream up some explanation. After all, I was reading--or pretending to read--_Wuthering Heights_, which was one of my favorite books. He would assume it had to do with my reading material or maybe even that I was sick to my stomach. Both stories made sense, and they were something Charlie would be able to dream up.

I made it to my room and immediately closed my door. Slammed it more like. I jumped onto my bed so I could easily hide the note if Dad came up to see what the hell I was doing. I found a CD on my bed, Edward's writing. He'd just been in my room! I glared towards the window, wishing he was still there. I opened the note furiously and smiled at the writing alone. "See you tomorrow at one in the afternoon," I read quietly. I was confused. What was that supposed to me? He couldn't seriously think that I was going to dig my hole any deeper by sneaking out. And wasn't tomorrow the day I was supposed to fly home from LA? Or maybe that was a sign that I wasn't going to... I glanced towards the hall when I heard Dad's footsteps. I shoved the letter under my pillow and reached for my book again. He paused at my door, then continued onto my own room. I sighed in relief, turning back to the note. "See you at one in the afternoon," I read again, just as confused. "I have to go hunting tonight. I'm sorry that I won't be able to spend the whole night with you. I have to wait until the sun's down to go, so don't wait up. Sleep. Please?" Pleading again! Ugh! Why did he have to do that? I couldn't refuse now when I wanted to wait up for him to come. "I promise I will come after my hunting trip and once I take a break so nothing happens. Don't get depressed. Curl up in bed with the new CD I made you, relax, and sleep. I'll be there as soon as I can, I promise! No waiting. No delay. I need to see you. All my love." No name signed. I knew exactly who he was...

I smiled, burying my head in the pillow. I wanted to scream from happiness this time. I would see Edward tomorrow! And Dad hadn't forced me to pack or anything. Things were starting to look up somehow. I was so happy, and nothing could have stopped me. I turned on the CD Edward made me. All new songs with another note inside.

These are songs I wrote just for you, beautiful. I wrote them when I couldn't stop thinking about you. It was like the only way I could tell you that I still loved you when I was gone. Know that I always will. Good night, and sleep well. Sweet dreams. I love you.


	22. Chapter 21

Chapter Twenty-One

I slept soundly and, even in my sleep, I was aware when Edward joined me. I could feel the coolness of his skin and it was relaxing. Though I was already asleep, that was when the slumber became so deep that I could have slept for years, nothing could have woken me up, and I would have been completely awake in hours alone. I slept the entire night in Edward's arms and only woke as he shifted to move. I caught his smile just as Dad's footsteps in the hall came. I returned it, then closed my eyes, and Edward was gone when I opened them again. Today, I would know my fate. Or so I hoped. I would know part of it anyway. Dad said that today was the day I would return to LA. So far, I hadn't packed, I hadn't heard any arrangements for tickets, no calls from Mom about pickup times, or anything to suggest that he still held to that. Maybe he would let me stay. Maybe there was more than just a thought of it. Maybe it was already set... I could hope.

I rolled over when Dad opened my door. He looked surprised to see that I wasn't crying or even looking depressed. I couldn't be though. Edward hadn't left me a note or a small bouquet of flowers or even a big one. He'd left me the memory of his smile to mull over until one in the afternoon when he promised to come. That was a great thing! Beautiful and the only thing I wanted to remember. I was completely ready to spend the entire day dreaming about Edward if I had to. Seeing him would have been much better. But his smile was always something that could make my heart pound no matter how many times he grinned or laughed. Everything he did was another beautiful thing. Knowing that he was there, knowing that I would be able to see him or even just feel his presence at night was more than enough to keep me from becoming depressed.

I showered, went through my usual morning schedule. Dad had work off, probably because he still looked exhausted. Apparently, an older person like him couldn't recover so quickly from little or no sleep... I made him breakfast and ate at the table with him, thinking about how Dad would react if I actually greeted Edward with the excitement I would feel when he got there. I wondered if I could actually hold it back at all. Probably not. I was bursting to see him, shaking in the anxiety and the tick of the clock couldn't have sounded slower.

I grabbed my iPod from upstairs mostly as a distraction before I went to do the dishes and I started on lunch immediately afterwards, which left Dad watching me like I'd gone completely crazy or like I was wearing my shirt inside out or something completely unlike me. Really, I was just trying to survive until I saw Edward. Knowing that I would soon see him was the worst part of all. I couldn't stand the thought of waiting much longer, and one o'clock was two hours away still.

Dad eventually moved off to go watch tv, which left me alone in the kitchen. I hummed along to myself, so completely happy and none of the depressing songs could have changed that. I just wanted to burst into laughter.

One hadn't arrived, but there was a knock at the front door. I heard Dad's annoyed grunt and went to answer it myself. I pulled the door open, my heart stopped. "Edward," I whispered, my eyes wide. It was only noon! He couldn't possibly be stupid enough to show up an hour early! That would have been the worst thing ever. "What are you doing here?"

"Don't worry. He changed the time, trying to make me late," Edward exclaimed, running a hand through his hair in the pouring rain.

"Oh... Sorry. Come in," I told him, taking his hand. Of course, as soon as I closed the door behind us, I nearly jumped into his arms. I couldn't help it. He was soaking wet. I noticed his Volvo out by the curb, so he'd just walked from the road to the front door human speed and he was completely soaked through. I smiled at him when he pushed my hair behind my ear, watching my face. "Something wrong?" I pressed, handing him a towel once he let go of me--Dad was watching.

"No. No. On the contrary. You look much better, love. Not like you're dead on your feet or starving yourself to death," he said.

I nodded--I felt better too. Not half asleep or dead. I felt more alive than ever. I couldn't stop smiling as Edward took my hand and led me towards the living room. Not even Dad's verdict could have ruined my mood as long as I had Edward there. True, I would probably have a delayed reaction, but that wasn't the same as it completely depressing me and ruining my life. I sat on the couch with Edward, squeezing his hand so he couldn't leave me or wouldn't. I didn't know if Dad was thinking about separating us or forcing me to sit on another cushion instead of my preferred seat--no space between me and Edward. Dad gave an annoyed sigh, but it wasn't completely furious or to a point where he was about to kill Edward... "Timberlee, I want to talk to Edward alone," he announced, and I cringed immediately. There was no way I was letting Edward out of my sight, especially with Dad on a rampage about my disappearance, and then there was how Edward left. I would not let Dad yell at him for something that I'd forgiven him for!

Edward gave me a nod, and I reluctantly let go of his hand. I would stay in the kitchen, listen in so I could easily step in if Dad got way out of hand. That would be something. Edward wanted to face Dad alone if he had to, and I guess he had to. I sat down at the kitchen table, out of sight currently, still able to hear.

"In the past two months, I've seen my daughter go from the happiest she's ever been to her completely being a new person to being happy all over again," Dad began quietly. Too quietly, it made me think there was an explosion coming. "She's been let down too many times. I'm not going to sit back and let you destroy her life again. It's not possible. She's still young, she has her entire life ahead of her, unless you decide to ruin it all over again." I flinched. Ruin it all over again, hadn't Edward already promised not to?

"Chief Stone, I never meant to hurt her at any point. I know I've let her down many times. I realize that I could never deserve someone so wonderful as Timberlee. The only reason I left was because I thought she would be better off without me. I thought she would get over me within a few days, weeks maybe at most. I thought she would have a better life without me. There are other ways to find happiness. I did know that it would hurt her, but I thought it was for the best. She was never the problem. If anything, the problem was that I was too in love with her. She was too good for me, and she still is! I believe that with all my heart. I don't ever want to hurt her, I never did, and I see now that she's not going to give up because that's in her character. I'm not going anywhere this time because I know she needs me, even if I wish she would see that she deserves someone better," Edward replied in a respectful, business-like tone. I smiled a little. I was still nervous, but he knew how to make it seem so easy to say these things, though I knew Dad was probably still about to explode.

"I don't know how to prove to you that I love your daughter. There may not be any way. But she's the only reason I'm alive right now. I was misinformed. I heard about her accident and that it was intentional," he said quietly. So we were using the accident instead of the cliff diving thing, thank God for that! "I called to see if it was true. Her cell phone wasn't being answered when I knew that she always answered it. Then I called the house phone. Jacob Black answered. I said that I was my father because I didn't want Timmy to hear about me calling if she was alive. He said you were preparing for a funeral, and I thought he meant Timmy's funeral. I thought she killed herself because I left. I couldn't live with that or the fact that she was dead. I went to Italy to escape the attempts my family would make to stop me. Alice came here to get Timberlee because that was the only way I would believe she was alive. I had to see her. Methods didn't matter to me. I just wanted to end my life because I knew what I'd done to Tim." Edward paused, and I cringed. Why did Charlie have to be so damn silent? And he was probably glaring at Edward too!

"Timmy only left because of me. I should have come to confirm the information, and I didn't even ask whose funeral it was. I know Timmy wouldn't have ran off like that if it wasn't for me. She didn't come to beg me to come back either. I came back on my own because I can't let her hurt anymore. That would be more than cruel, and I couldn't handle it. She left to save me, and there wasn't time to work it out with you. They had to fly to Florence, then drive to Volterra," Edward explained.

I could imagine Dad rolling his eyes and being as disrespectful as possible. Then he cleared his throat. "Timberlee," he called, and I immediately jumped up, stubbing my toe in the process. I caught myself on the table, then practically ran into the living room. "You ran off to _Italy_ to make sure Edward didn't kill himself?" he demanded in a quiet tone that was worse than yelling.

I nodded. "Dad, okay, listen," I started and stood because I couldn't stand sitting still then. "The past month and a half, you saw how miserable I was, right? You got so mad at me because I couldn't stop crying, right?" I paused because I knew that was only reminding Edward what he'd done, but better me than Dad. "You were threatening to send me back home, and really worried about how I was going crazy. But that was only because Edward was gone. Just him not being here was horrible. What if he'd died? The only reason I tried to live was because Edward was still alive. I knew there was a chance that he came back," I explained quietly.

"So if you were misinformed of his death, you would have killed yourself?" Dad inquired.

"Yes. And even if it sounds crazy, it's true."

"Chief Stone, Timberlee's had boyfriends before. She never let them take advantage of her or let her down. She may be over forgiving with me, but I don't think she would let herself be in a situation that would hurt her," Edward said from the couch. "She's not the kind of person who lets herself be abused in any way. I'm not going back just so I can leave again."

I smiled over my shoulder at him. An excellent point! It was true. Whenever I was let down by one of my ex boyfriends, they were kicked to the curb almost immediately. I knew they weren't the ones I would marry, so it didn't matter. But Edward had already made his request for me to marry him actually. I just hadn't given him my answer. I turned back to Charlie then, who looked furious still. "Stop blaming Edward because it's not his fault. Do you really think he controls my life, Dad? And anyway, isn't this really my choice anyway? It's not like you can stop it. I'm already in love with him, which you said yourself and you can't deny it. You said that the only reason I was such a wreck was because I was in love. So if I'm in love already and you know how miserable I am without Edward, isn't that a good reason to let me see him?"

"I actually never said that I wasn't going to let you two date," Dad pointed out.

"No, not in those exact words, but sending me back to LA..."

Dad sighed, rolling his eyes. "Your mother won't let you move home," he told me, and I grinned at Edward. "She says that, since Edward is back, you'd be a wreck all over again. So for your mental health and hers, you're staying. Now I can see for myself that you're happy now. That's all I ever want for my girl, but I don't want someone to hurt you ever. I don't like it or him." I glared at Dad. How rude! "But... well, I'd rather know about it than have you two sneaking around. That, however, does not mean that you're out of trouble! Jacob told me about the motorcycles." I cringed again, falling back onto the couch next to Edward. This was bad! "That reaction confirms it then? What were you thinking?"

"They're... fun," I whispered. "And I know how to ride one already, Dad. It's not like I killed myself. We did go riding on them, ya know?"

"Yes, and he said it fell over on you. Plus you dragged Jake into this. He could've been killed." Dad rolled his eyes when I glanced at Edward. "All right. I'll make this short. You're grounded. You're allowed two hours with Edward everyday, that's it. No leaving the house with him. No going to his house. He has to come here. If I say it ends, it ends and he goes home. No more motorcycles. The only reason I'm allowing this is because I want you to be happy, so you're staying here. And I'd better not regret it," Dad finished, glaring at Edward, but I was already hugging him, too happy to care. Two hours a day! That was definitely something. Edward smiled at me and helped me up to my room where we could talk without Charlie glaring at us. Edward pulled me down onto the bed, leaning into him, and I laughed. This was what destiny felt like. That thing that determined the course of the future. Even if I was grounded, this was meant to be, and Edward was the only future I wanted. I could have spent forever with him, and maybe I would. Maybe becoming a vampire was also part of my destiny...

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A/N: Next story in my series is called Bloodlust and it'll be posted pretty soon. Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed it.


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